Page 24 of Paradox
The topper door unlatches and flies open when I go too fast through a dip in the track.
I check it in the rear view mirror.
“Goddamnit!” The bag of beets—the one I just had to get—that don’t fit in the storage tub on the porch, have slid to the back of the bed and are half hanging out.
Hitting a sizable bump, I watch the bag bounce.
I slam on the breaks, watch the sack topple out the back, turn off the ignition, and—
“Holy fuck!”
Not two feet beyond the bumper, stands Jin. The tub is in his arms, and his eyes just stare—not as blank as before, more like he wants to tell me I’m late. Like he’s itching to take my words and throw them back in my face.
Out of the cab, I slam the door shut and snatch the tub from him. “Are you trying to get yourself killed?”
Back in his sweatshirt and pants, he looks off into the trees and shrugs one shoulder.
My fists tighten around the handles of the tub to the point my knuckles turn white.
He’s lucky I’m not willing to go without cushion covers.
My hand shakes as I unhook the tailgate.
I’ve never felt hatred like this before.
Abandonment? Yes.
Betrayal? You bet.
The passenger door shuts, and I throw the tub into the back of my truck and kick the beets like a fucking idiot.
I crouch down and pick up the sack. “Fuck me. I think this weighs more than you,” I say to Jin, but unsurprisingly I get no response.
After making sure the beets are pushed as far in as they can be, I close the tailgate and topper; checking it again to make sure it’s properly latched.
It’s not often that wind this strong makes it through such a dense spot in the forest, but as all the low branches shake near me, I look up. In the sliver of sky I can see clearly through the canopy of Douglas fir and Western hemlock, I watch as the sun is covered by grayness.
Climbing back into the driver's seat, I see Jin sitting as far against the window as he can get, clutching the strap of the seatbelt. I might have burnt him earlier, but right now it's my skin that feels like it’s on fire.
Clenching the wheel with my left hand tighter than I did the tub, I start up the truck, put it in reverse, and look over my shoulder. When I extend my right arm over the back of the bench seat, Jin twists his upper body towards the window so he’s even further away from me. My jaw tightens and I sink my fingers into the faded leather as I put my foot on the accelerator.
“Are we really doing this again?”
“The fuck are you going on about?”
“Never mind.” He shakes his head lightly before letting it fall against the window like it's too heavy for him to hold up.
The trip back is slow going, even with the lights on. Typically I avoid reversing in this thing because of how obstructed the view is, but I didn’t have a choice. It would have taken twice as long to drive all the way to the lake just to turn around.
“My hands and feet hurt,” Jin says so softly I barely hear him.
“Did you dry your shoes?”
“I tried. I… I can’t really feel my toes.”
Slowing the truck even further, I reach for Jin’s hand.
His fingertips are ice cold, and red.
