Page 163 of Paradox
"I'm not gaslighting anyone," I laugh, and pull him down to me. "I know I was a grade A asshole."
"You're unbelievable."
"I know." I quickly peck him on the lips. "Now, why don't you pour us a coffee and I'll get these holes dug?"
Jin removes my hand from the back of his neck and stands over me. "You don't deserve it."
"Then why don'tyouhave the coffee and watch me make the holes?"
Jin puts one foot on my chest. "I'm going to get my book, sit by the fire, and not do a damn thing until there's a fish on one of those hooks."
I give Jin an aye-aye captain salute, and the second I'm done he steps over me, grabs one of the chairs, then heads back tothe truck. And I don't move. I just listen to his footsteps getting softer and softer until I hear the truck door open.
Reaching for the axe, I start hacking away at the ice again.
When the second hole is finished, I set up the poles and move the camping chair in between them. Sitting down, I take the thermos and pour myself a cup. It's bitter, not hot enough, and I'll never get used to how bad it tastes without brown sugar.
Leaning back, I look over at Jin.
He's got an old crochet blanket over his legs, and he looks snug, and comfortable, and happy in his little spite bubble.
"How's the book?" I call out to him.
"It's the worst one yet."
"Can you tell that much after one chapter?"
"I knew after the first page."
"So put it down and come back and talk to me."
"Pass." He turns the page.
I smile to myself and take another drink.
At first, I thought I was convincing myself that I was happy because it just didn't seem possible. But every day my heart and my brain argue less and less over what I deserve, because this really is the most content, and selfless, I've ever felt in my life.
The Eden of only a few months ago would never have put up with this. And why not? It's not like Jin's reaction isn't warranted. It's completely justified. But having my flaws spat back in my face has always dredged up the same hurt I felt whenever Mom would bring home another boyfriend and lock me in my room.
It was my fault they always ended up leaving.
It was my fault she couldn't find someone to love her.
And when I still lived with Brian, it was my fault there was always tension in the house.
Everything has always been my fault, so why not embrace it?
Being angry was easy.
But I'm not an animal. I am able to learn from my mistakes. And Jintae is teaching me every day that letting things go actually feels pretty great, and frees up so much room for all the mushy, disgusting, good stuff.
"I love you."
"I love you, too," he says without hesitation. But still dedicated to his act, he doesn't lift his head from the book.
"You look sexy."
"You look cold."
