Page 13 of Paradox
“Get inside, you idiot.” I quickly kick my shoes back off and step inside. The smell of wood smoke and cigarettes hits me before the warmth does. “You don’t have to take your shoes off.”
“I always will.”
“Yeah, I know. It was hard enough to get your brother to not change into slippers at the shop.”
"Shoes are dirty, why would you want to bring that inside?"
Opposite where I'm standing—with the couch on my right and the kitchen and loft to my left—Eden slams a skillet down onthe top of the large black stove. “How fucking polite of you," he snarls, and has a hold of me before I can even figure out how I offended him. “If this place is so disgusting to you, then you won’t mind cleaning it.” He throws me toward the kitchen, but I catch my footing. “Start in the bathroom. I filled the tank up from the lake yesterday, but don’t be stupid enough to drink the water.”
Gripping the sink, I keep still as Eden walks behind me. In the window’s reflection, I watch him enter a small room beneath the stairs and return with eggs and a loaf of bread.
“What the fuck are you still standing there for? For Christ’s sake, have you never done anything for yourself? The bathroom is the only door that hasn’t been opened. Everything you need is in there, and if you ask me one fucking question, I swear to god you’re sleeping outside tonight.”
My fingers slide off the edge of the sink until my nails are digging into my palms. Biting my tongue, I turn towards the bathroom just as Eden cracks an egg into the pan. At the sound of its sizzle, I reflexively look over my shoulder and watch him crack the second one.
With a perplexed look on his face, he walks right past me like I’m not even there. Lifting the lid of a red pail on the counter, he puts the shells in then heads back to the eggs.
“I hope you don’t think any of this is for you,” he says before cutting off two slices from the loaf and tossing them into the griddle pan as well.
I gulp, and turn my head away, but the emptiness of my stomach betrays me and gurgles louder than the frying eggs.
“Oh my god—you did. Wow. I mean… I must have gotten confused because, you know, you have ramen. The ramen that's going to last you twelve weeks.” The look of spiteful glee falls from his face the second his mocking is through, and I’m certain,in this moment, that I’ve made a deal with the devil. I’m just not sure yet whether I’ve sold him my soul, as well.
Nothing I did all morning was right.
I spent three hours just in the bathroom on my hands and knees, scrubbing the crooked slate that should have been left in the 90s. While Metallica blasted in the background, Eden returned every twenty minutes just to stare at me, watching every move I made as I scrubbed the grout with a toothbrush.
I could feel the hatred radiating off him. He may as well have been sitting on my back for how heavy my body felt whenever he was there. Six foot plus with his tattooed muscles showing through the holes in his red and black flannel that looked like it's a hundred years old.
I wish I was like Wootek and didn't care.
I wish I could just brush away the shame in our parents' eyes, and with it all the guilt so I didn't have to stay here…
Eden moved on about two hours ago.
He fixed the generator then started on the roof.
I've finished the kitchen but have been standing here staring at a jar of sourdough starter on the windowsill for who knows how long. I want to open it. I want to see if it smells anything like a finished loaf, but my hands are so sore and wet that I know I couldn't get the lid off. Walking towards the heat of the fire, I hover my hands over the stovetop. It stings at first, but it doesn't take long for the warmth to sink in and flow through my entire body.
I close my eyes and listen to Eden work above me.
He uses the drill then swears, but I don't even have the energy to smirk.
Opening my eyes, I stare at my hands. They're shaking, and I can see silver spots creeping in from the sides.
I take two steps and collapse onto the sofa. It's big, and soft, and possibly the most comfortable thing I've ever laid on. As long as I keep listening out for Eden, I can close my eyes and just lay here a while. Let my head settle. Catch my breath. And relax a little before tackling the rug.
The right side of my head is pounding, but everything is black.
My body feels fine, like it’s floating.
I smile, though I’m not sure why.
Maybe because I’m not cold.
Not like last night.
But still, my head is aching.
