Page 62 of Paradox
He rolls onto his side and props his head up on his hand. “That’s different.”
I slide back down to the rug. “How d’you figure?”
“Well, the greatest indication of future behaviour is past behaviour.”
“And where did you hear that?”
“Dr. Phil.”
Credit to him, he manages to hold serious for at least ten seconds before smacking the rug like he’s patting himself on the back for a job well done.
“Ahhh.” He flops onto his back again but spins forty-five degrees so he can poke at my arm with his toes. “I’m bored. Do something.”
“So pick a movie.”
He lets his feet fall into my lap and says, "Don’t wanna,” then starts digging his heels into my thighs. It’s rough, and unexpected.
“Well I’m not moving.”
“How did you ever live like this?”
“Like what?”
“Like having to actually move when you wanted to put something on the TV.”
“The dark ages were hard, but we struggled through.”
Elbows holding himself up, he looks at me, then looks at his feet. My first instinct is to hold onto his crossed ankles so he can’t move them. But I leave my left arm resting on the couch instead, and watch as he slides them off my lap because he thinks I think it’s weird.
“Will you give me a tattoo?”
“Do you have one already?” Jin shakes his head. “Then I don’t think I’m the right man for the job.”
“Why? Because I should have my brother do it?”
“No. Because I don’t think having your body permanently marked by someone you hate is a good idea.”
Jin looks at his feet again then moves further away from me. “I don’t hate you.”
“It feels like you do.”
“Would you blame me if I did?”
I bring my knees up to my chest and rest my arms on them. “No… But I don’t understand how you don’t.”
“I guess,” he shrugs. “Because I don’t hate anyone… I hate what they do. What they believe… I hate the pressure my parents have always put on me. I hate how you’ve always looked at me like I’m worthless. But I can’t hate you.You’ve been by Tek’s side through everything. And it's the same with my parents. I know they love me, but—fuck! Love doesn’t mean ignoring the other person’s happiness.”
We sit in silence for maybe a minute. At first I thought I should fill the void, but the longer it stretches, the more profound his words become.
“You were right about me, you know?”
“In what way?”
“I was jealous of you.” Jin nods slowly, like he’s giving my confession room to breathe. “And I guess I still am… It’s always been there with Tek, too. But it's different with him. When I was at my lowest points; when Mom replaced me with Carey then forced me to raise him. When Brian moved everyone to San Diego and Mom never fought for me to move with them. All I could see at the time was that Tek had what I wanted. But also, when I was with him—when I was at your house—I could fill that hole just a little bit. Then, once we bought the shop andeverything fell into place, you were the same age I was when shit was at its worst. But you had it all. Family, girls, popularity… Holy hell, how do you keep doing this to me?” I swallow the last of my soju and move quickly to the coffee table.
“What have I done?” Jin asks, meeting me with his water glass.
“Made me philosophical.”
