Page 48 of Paradox
I turn my body to mirror him. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Fuuuuuck,” he sighs deeply with a self pitying laugh, and rests his head back on the door frame. “For so long all I thought about was what my next tattoo would be, and when I could get back inside her. I got so used to it, you know? Sex on tap. Whenever I wanted. And now I'm so goddamn horny all the time I don't think my body realizes that we aren't together anymore, and that I'm…" He pauses, catching himself. "It doesn't realize I'm stuck here with you."
I huff, because, there he goes again. Reminding me how much of a burden I am.
"It's no secret you wouldn't be my first choice."
Dredged up from somewhere I can't place, I find the courage to quietly ask, "You wish I was a girl, don't you?”
“I mean…” He falters, almost like he's worried to hurt my feelings. Though I’m not sure why he'd pick now to be concerned. “Yeah. I guess I do.”
“So you’d sleep with someone who's nineteen?”
I can see his Adam’s apple bounce as he swallows. “I haven’t. Not since a while before Shawn. But stuck out here in the state I'm in… I don’t know what I’d do.”
“But say you wouldn’t. In that case, would it really be easier if I were a girl?”
“I’ve had too much to drink for this philosophical crap.”
“There’s not that much behind it. It’s just… maybe you’re not the only one who's frustrated.”
“Ya missing your cheerleaders?”
“Something like that.”
“And what’s there really to be embarrassed about?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s not like we don’t all do it.”
“Exactly.”
“I don’t want you in my loft.”
“I don’t wanna be in your loft.”
“I mean, I don’t wanna do it in my loft.”
“What the hell are you trying to say?”
“I mean, I’ll get a DVD and, um…” He swallows hard again and pauses for so long that I’m terrified he won’t finish the sentence. And, my god, I’ve never wanted someone to keep speaking more than I do right now. “We can use the big TV.”
“Okay.” My reply is so soft, I hope he hears it.
“Fuck, I’m so hard right now.”
How am I meant to respond to that? Because I sure as hell can’t tell him what I really want. So I hang my head, and say, "Yeah,” and allow him to take from it what he will.
“Just don’t make it weird.”
“Why would I? You’re not the only one who’s gonna be… You know.”
A groan falls from Eden’s mouth, and when I look up, his head has fallen back and he’s grabbing himself through his sweats.
“Um…”
“Fuck. Let’s go.” He stands quickly, and I have to look away because all I can see is the fire casting the biggest shadow against the front of his pants.
