Page 30 of Paradox
I've spent so much time in the forest alone that I'm noticing all the things that were always there but I was too preoccupied to notice the first time around. Like how each species of tree has a distinct color of trunk, and how their barks feel different as I run my hands over them. Then there’s the knots and the tiny holes; which are little homes, and which are yet to be claimed.
I’m doing fine.
I can keep going.
I’m constantly wracked by hunger pains, but I’ll get through this…
I only have two packets of ramen left.
A few mouthfuls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner are all I've been living on. I’ve had the tub of gochujang and the perilla oil sitting by the stove for days, and I keep staring at it like it will magically transform itself into my Halmae’s Dakgalbi.
"Screw it,” I say to myself and sit up on my cot. The sun has already started rising, but I've never seen Eden up this early. So if I'm going to make a move, it needs to be now.
The shack door creaks as I open it, and I immediately crouch down.
When it's brighter, I can see half of the loft from here, but it's still too dark, so I just make a run for it.
Pressed up against the back of the cabin, I count to one hundred before moving, then creep to the back window. From here I can see Eden's feet sticking out from under his quilt. I count to one hundred once more while watching to see if he stirs, and when he doesn't, I sneak around the far side of the cabin and to his truck.
I know there's a sack of something in the back, and whatever it is, I need it.
Lifting the cover just enough to grab onto the topper handle, I close my eyes, and wince as I pull on it—but nothing happens. I try again, but the harder I pull, the more noise I make.
I kick the grass, and scream in silence with everything I have.
I ball my hands and squeeze my fists so tight they sting.
I want to cry out for real.
I want to bang on the cabin door, wake Eden up, and punch him so hard half his face will be swollen and bruised like mine, because I’ve always done as I was told. I've always walked the straight and narrow and spent years existing in a weird purgatory, never really knowing who I am or where I belong. So when does the karma come back to me?
With anger surging through me, I march towards the porch.
Holding my breath, I turn the screen door handle. At first the hinges squeak, but I open it so slowly it doesn’t make another sound. After closing it with just as much care, I creep towards the front door and look through the small gap in the curtains that cover its four-panel glass window. Eden is still in bed, though not in the same position. But right now, he can get fucked. As long as he’s up there and I’ve come this far, I won't be leaving empty handed.
Moving to the left side of the porch, I gently lift the bench lid of the long storage box.
Carrots, and two kinds of potatoes.
If I take one, he won’t notice.
The carrots are huge, and I figure that with their shape it will be the least obvious if one is missing. So I take one from the top, being sure not to move the sack. With it in the front pocket of my hoodie, I start closing the bench when I realize my eyes haven't left the bag of potatoes.
The starch…
How well they soak up gochujang…
Only the good die young.
I snatch two and shove them into the pockets of Tek's jacket.
I stay crouched on the porch for far longer than I should. I know it makes no sense. I know he'll skin me alive if he finds outwhat I've taken. But as long as I stay still and quiet, I can pretend like I've already gotten away with it.
When I’ve finally built up the courage, I stand, and step as lightly as I can to the screen door. I’m like a cat, completely silent—
“Aww, fuck…”
A low, gravelly moan comes from inside the cabin, and I freeze.
