Page 201 of Paradox
"You disgust me."
"Mom, please." In a flash her eyes meet mine, and it's like a knife stabbing me straight in the heart. "I…I…" Again, I have thewords—all of them, but they're moving so fast I can't put them together. I want Eden. I want his touch. I want his arms around me.
"I—" I try again but I choke, like my body is trying to inhale and exhale at the same time with a tennis ball caught in my throat.
My heart beats out of control.
I claw at my chest but my hands are so shaky the fabric of my hoodie slips from between my fingers.
My stomach is churning and my muscles are tensing and I can heareverything,
The dogs, the baby, cars, birds, the wind, my mothers words; all growing louder with every new beat of my heart.
Heavy hands are on my shoulders.
They spin me, then they're on my cheeks.
They're warm. Big. Calloused.
There's pressure on my forehead, then heat against my lips when he speaks.
"It's okay, Jin. I'm here. Breathe for me."
I suck as much cold air into my lungs as I can.
"I've got you. You're safe. I won't let you go."
I exhale and open my eyes. I'm still crying. I'm still scared.
"You're the strongest person I know."
"I—I love you," I stutter out as I cry.
"I love you, too," Eden says, but instead of feeling his lips against mine like I expect, he straightens out and lets his hands leave my face. The sense of rejection is instant, and it hits well before the realization that the reason he took his hands off me wasn't because he wanted to, but because my mother tore them away.
"You need to stay away from him," my mother spits at Eden as she tugs me across the sidewalk.
I plant my feet; sick and tired of my family treating me like a damn rag doll.
I roll my shoulder harshly until she lets go.
Standing in between my mom and Eden, I stare them each down in turn. The level of fury raging inside my mother matches the anxiety within me, but Eden looks so calm. His hands aren't even balled up like they were in the truck.
"How could you, after everything we did? We took you in and treated you like a son for the past seventeen years. He's like your damn brother."
"He's never been my brother."
It's like she can't even see me anymore, but that's no different to how it always was.
My future never had anything to do with me, it was what they wanted.
It was about how they looked as parents.
It meant that moving across the Pacific Ocean was a success.
"Why isn't whatyou'veachieved enough?" I ask.
"What are you talking about?"
