Page 158 of Paradox
"You scare me so much." My hand drops from his face, and his left hand leaves the wheel to stroke my hair. "I'd do anything for you if you asked me to."
"I don't need you to do anything. Nothing more than you already do."
"I wanna give you everything."
"I only want you… And for people to let us be happy."
"And that's why you scare me."
"You're being silly."
"I'm not, though. I know what you look like when you're happy,andwhen you're not. And if I ever see the happiness you have within you now, fade, then I'll never forgive myself."
"But what if it's got nothing to do with you?"
"Then I've still failed… It's my job to keep you safe and happy. And if I see you fading, then I'll know I let someone hurt you."
"You can't control everything."
"How else am I supposed to make it up to you?" Eden's hand in my hair grows firmer until he's massaging my scalp. "Do you know what you wanna do when we get back?"
"Move in with you."
"Well, yeah. But after that. You didn't want to be a lawyer, so do you know what you do want to be?"
"No. Not really."
Eden scoops under my head to dig his nails into the nape of my neck. "Quit playing games."
"I'm not," I giggle.
"No, andnot really, are two very different things."
I grab his wrist, pull him away, and put his hand back on the wheel. "I don't know what I want to do. The rest of my life is a really long time, and what I think now will probably be different to what I'll think in ten years."
"Fuck ten years from now. That's a whole decade away. The entire world could have imploded by then. So if you only have to think about what you wanna donow,does your answer change?"
"Maybe. I don't know."
"Did you seriously never imagine what you would be if you weren't—"
"Why is it alwayswhat do I want to be?That was the problem. I don't wannabeanything. I just wanna be Jeon Jintae, and I'm sick of that not being enough."
"That's not what I meant."
"But you still asked it, and that's my answer. I might never know what I want to do. I might want to change careers, jobs, whatever, every twelve months, and I know that can't happen—"
"Why not?"
"Because that's not life. So I know I need to find something that interests me enough to keep showing up every day."
"Why can't that be your life?"
"Because that's selfish."
"But you're not selfish."
"I must be—"
