Page 67 of Deep In Love

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I nod, and Mateo crawls into bed, leans against the wall, and spreads his legs. He taps the mattress between his thighs in a silent command, and I will my limbs to loosen enough to move.

My back falls against his chest, and he wraps his arms tightly around my shoulders. He turns out the light, and darkness falls around us as he cocoons me within his embrace.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Sorry I ruined the moment.

Sorry I’m broken.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I wanted to grow—to evolve into someone new, someone I was proud of—but maybe it’s a foolish dream to think I could be any of those things.

Mateo presses a soft kiss on the crown of my head, and the fissure deepens with the intimate act.

“Don’t apologize to me.Not for this.” He pulls me tighter. “Never for this.”

I don’t have a response, so I sit in his arms until the exhaustion makes my eyelids grow heavy and my heartbeat slows to time with his. Mateo’s grip never loosens, even after his breathing deepens.

When I wake in the middle of the night, the hosing from his CPAP presses against my back as he clutches me in his arms. Rather than face the reality tomorrow may bring, I allow myself to fall back asleep in his arms, where things feel safer.

Chapter 20

Mateo

“Mateo?”

A soft knock echoes through the bathroom as I shave. I drop my razor on the side of the small sink and crack the door open to find Charlie drowning in the t-shirt I offered her last night.

She was still in bed when I slipped in here, and I wanted to give her some time to sleep, given last night’s events.

I’ve seen a panic attack before. I know the signs, and when Charlie’s features went blank and her hands began to tremble, I knew she was in the early stages of a major attack.

She shifts on her feet, playing with the hem of the shirt.

“I wasn’t sure if you left for breakfast,” she says, staring at the shaving cream covering my face. Red spreads across her cheeks, and she shifts her attention to the carpet. “Sorry, I’ll let you finish.”

“You can sit with me if you want.”

She hesitates before slipping behind me to perch on the toilet seat. Wordlessly, I resume my task, dragging the razor along my skin. She watches me through the mirror, her blond hair frazzled from sleep.

The last thing I want is to overstep any of Charlie’s boundaries, push her too far and ruin what we could have. So I wait and allow her to make the first move.

I’m nearly done shaving when she whispers, “I’m sorry.”

They’re the same words she whispered last night, full of so much self-hatred it was a punch to the gut. Her head hangs low while she picks at a loose thread on my shirt, like the guilt is too heavy to look up.

“For what? Letting me in?” Surprised by my question, she snaps her chin up and meets my stare. “There’s no shame in leaning on someone.” I spin to rest against the tiny basin, heart thudding in my chest as I face her. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Do you want to call it? Put an end to whatever’s happening and return to how we were before?”

My heart lodges in my throat, but I need to know. I don’t want to give her any more of myself if she’s going to break this off. She already holds so much of my heart. If I give her any more, it will become hers alone.

She doesn’t understand. Doesn’t know there’s nothing she could do or say to scare me away.

“I don’t want to burden you.”