Page 71 of Deep In Love
Now I’m sobbing because she’s right. She knows it, and I know it, too. I’ve allowed those thoughts so much control, I’ve hurt myself, and Mateo, too.
“I haven’t run, and neither has he, so when areyougoing to stop running?”
Amy calls me out on my shit, always has, but right now, it’s like she’s saying everything she’s been holding back, hoping I would figure it out for myself but haven’t, so now she has to tell me herself.
I don’t want to hate my skin or spend days avoiding my reflection. I don’t want to waste hours wondering why someone was staring at me in the grocery store. I don’t want the joint pain or the pins in my hip or the scar that cuts across my eyebrow. I don’t want to hesitate every time Mateo compliments me, because my initial reaction is to brush off his words as a lie.
But I don’t know how to function any other way.
“I don’t know how to stop.” Stop running. Stop hating myself. Stop pushing people away. “I’m scared, Ames. But I’m trying. He asked me if he was worth it.”
And it broke my heart.
Witnessing him stand in front of me in the small bathroom, his uncertainty palpable, and ask if I thought him worthy enough, it fucking shattered my heart into a million pieces. Because for one moment, he and I were the same: two people terrified the other was going to throw them aside.
“But I think he might be,” I continue. “I think he might be worth the risk.”
Amy squeals. “Isn’t that so exciting?”
“No, it’s fucking terrifying!”
“It means you care for him—a lot—and I, for one, think that’s fucking incredible. You deserve someone who makes you happy, and if that’s Mateo, then chase that feeling, and when you catch it, don’t let go.”
“And if I get hurt?”
She releases a gust of air, rattling through the speaker. “Charlie.”
“What?”
It’s a valid question. What if when we get off this boat and return to reality, Mateo realizes this is a bubble? That what happens onthe boat is not a reflection of real life? That he’s choosing someone who has to pull over in a rainstorm and freaks out on airplanes? What happens when he realizes I have nightmares and wake up drenched in sweat?
What happens to me when I let him in and he realizes I’m broken?
“The only person who could potentially get hurt in this scenario is him.”
“You thinkIwould hurt him?”
Why does that feel like a fucking dagger straight to the heart?
“I think you have the power to, if you wanted.”
My sniffles are the only sound between us.
“I’m not saying you’re going to hurt him, I’m just saying that he’s as vulnerable as you are. Falling in love is an act of blind faith. It’s trusting another person so fully you give them everything that could hurt you—hand it to them on a silver platter—and believe they would never use any of it to cause you pain. It’s letting them see every soul wound you possess and allowing them to help you heal.”
Her words sink into my soul, settling and growing roots.
Falling in love is an act of blind faith.
I have to decide whether Mateo is worth the faith, if I trust him enough not to hurt me, the same way he would trust me.
If it wasn’t for this trip—the way he has helped me step out of my comfort zone—I don’t think I would have been ready to hear Amy’s words and fully understand her meaning.
“Are you smiling?” she asks. “I have a best friend’s intuition, and it’s telling me you’re smiling.”
My fingers trail along the seam of my lips, where a tentative grin appears, nothing more than a tilt at the corner, but she’s right. She always is.
“No,” I say, but she can hear it in my voice, and she laughs in response. “How long have you been waiting to have this conversation?”
