Page 72 of A Play For The Heart
Her brows furrow together and her head cocks to the side, so I elaborate.
“I mean Declan probably cheated on me and Henry broke up with me. Within three months my only two relationships have started and ended.”
It would make sense, wouldn’t it? That I’m the reason neither has worked out. If it was just Declan, I would chalk it up to him. But it's Henry, too. I never thought Henry would think the same as Declan. That we were better off as friends. The realization settles deep in my chest. I am the common denominator. In all my relationships, as friends or more, I’ve been left. Something about me is unlovable. Or too difficult to love. Not worth the time or the energy. I mean, they both basically said so. Declan told me we weren’t compatible, and Henry told me we were better off as friends. Neither of them saw the relationship the same way I did. Shame fills me. I feel foolish and silly and sad. So, so sad.
“No,” Maren says, breaking my train of thought. The word is harsh. Commanding. “Don’t even go there.”
Too late.
I look down at my feet, avoiding her gaze. The truth is sitting right in front of me holding a massive sign. I am the one who is too much.
“Did he tell you why?” she asks as gently as she can. Gentle is not a word I would use to describe Maren but her effort to comfort me is valiant.
I shake my head and I watch her as she tries to work through her thoughts.
“Nothing at all?”
I shake my head again, but her confusion nags at something in the back of my mind. The lack of explanation seems off. I expected something like that with Declan, but that’s not Henry's style. He would tell me why.
The indignation and anger return with fervor. If he is going to break up with me, I at least deserve an explanation. I have the right to know what went wrong. What I did. Because to me, everything felt perfect. Right. For me, Henry was theone. The person I wanted to spend my days and nights with. He was who I wanted to share a life with, to grow old with. The realization that those things will never happen is death by a thousand cuts. Each small hope and dream I had for us is a slice against my flesh, cutting me down to the core.
I settle into the fact that if I want the answer, I’ll have to face him again. Knowing that the anger releases from my body, leaving nothing but bone-deep sadness.
I crawl back onto the couch, curl into Maren’s side, and sob. For the loss of the relationship. For the loss of my best friend. For the loss of the future I had imagined.
CHAPTER 30
“Is it insensitive for me to say, “Get your shit together so I can love you?” Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything, or do you just not want to?”
Renegade—Big Red Machine, Taylor Swift
Henry
Groggily,Ipeelmyeyes open and the scent of oranges and flowers surrounds me. My heart skips in my chest at the smell, the reminder of Sawyer. I take note of my surroundings and my heart stops beating altogether. Sawyer sits in the chair beside my bed, staring down at her phone. After what I said to her yesterday, the last thing I expected was for her to show up again. I should have known better. No matter how badly I hurt her, she would still be here to make sure I was okay. It’s the kindness that I fell in love with. I lay there a moment, just taking her in, since it might very well be the last time I get to look at her, fully. I know it’s my fault, I pushed her away. I’m under no assumption that it wasn’t entirely my fault. Every single thing in my life is crumbling in my hands, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
“Why are you here?” I ask her, forcing my voice to go hard and deep. It was difficult enough to send her away yesterday, and the agony in my chest hasn’t left. My heart was ripped from my chest the moment she walked out the hospital room door. Seeing her here is reopening the self-inflicted wound in my chest where my heart should be.
She jolts in her seat, unaware that I was awake. Settling herself, she puts her phone back into her purse and turns to look at me. Her hair and skin are dull and she looks tired, her eyes red-rimmed. My stomach plummets as I catalog her ragged appearance.
“You owe me an explanation,” she demands, her gaze focused entirely on me, though instead of looking at me, it feels like she's looking through me.
“For?”
“For whatever bullshit you pulled yesterday. I want a reason. What did I do?” With that question her voice cracks, and whatever fire she had leaves her. “Why are you doing this? I don’t understand. Is it me?”
I open my mouth to respond. To shut down any thoughts of self-doubt she has. To tell her it’s me. I’m the one who's not good enough. That it has nothing to do with her. But I don’t. I stay silent. No explanation seems enough.
Sawyer’s eyes search mine, pleading for a response. Her eyes fall shut and she inhales a deep breath and when her eyes open, they’re resolute. She barrels forward, shattering what’s left of my heart when she does.
“You’re not going to say anything at all?” She draws her bottom lip into her mouth, giving me opportunity after opportunity to say something. Even now, after everything, she’s trying. When she realizes I’m not going to speak, her demeanor changes. “Fine, but I have some things I want to say.”
A heavy moment sits between us, everything balancing on the precipice. Whatever she is going to say will destroy me. And I welcome it if it softens her pain.
“Declan ignored me and made me look stupid at that bar, one of my worst fears and biggest insecurities bubbled right back to the surface.” Her eyes shine as she speaks quietly, her lip trembling as she holds back tears. Her next words eradicate what little left I had holding myself together. “That I’m unlovable. That the reason I’ve always struggled to make friends and didn’t get asked out in college was because something was wrong withme.” She jams a finger against her chest. “ThatIwas the reason all my friendships faded, and guys never called me back. That it was simply in my DNA. I had believed it for such a long time. Until you came along. We got partnered for that dumb project and something shifted. Almost like we understood each other at an atomic level.”
I force myself to look at her, to witness the pain I caused. The damage I created. A small penance for the misery I’ve created with my choices. I’ll take her agony and hold it for her, protect her from it. Sawyer can’t see the choice I’m making is for her and I can’t blame her. So, I watch her fall apart in front of me.
“You made me feel loveable, that someone wanted what I brought to the table. And that meant the world to me. I had feltsoalone before we met. Then, our relationship changed, and I felt loved in a different way. A new and exciting way. But yesterday, you brought back every thought I have spent years trying to banish. Those words—what you said, it hurt me, Henry. Deeply. You did the one thing I never thought you would be capable of. You made me feel unlovable again. Disposable. And my heart broke into a million little pieces. The one person who made me feel safe and accepted ripped the rug from under my feet in a matter of minutes.”
