Page 70 of A Play For The Heart
“I’m alright.” I try to reassure her just as much as myself, but the worries seem to worm their way deep into my core.
She pulls up a chair next to the bed, her hand latched to mine as we sit in silence.
The air is heavy between the two of us. Both our fears mingle in the space, the uncertainty of my future staring us in the face. The feeling of relief I felt seeing her transforms into something different. Anguish. A small voice in the back of my mind whispers the words my father told me. That I have no direction right now. Nothing to fall back on and no guarantee that I’ll be able to play football again. I fight to dispel them, to disprove them, but I fall short. They sit and linger as I watch Sawyer flutter around the space, tidying up to keep herself busy. She smooths out the sheets and then organizes her purse. I can see the anxiety eating at her. I notice the bags under her eyes deepen as doctors and nurses come in and out, checking my vitals. She’s a worrier and I’m nothing but a cinder block that will drag Sawyer under with me if I let her.
My reality sinks in and the truth hits me like a semi-truck barreling down a highway. Fast and painful.
I know Sawyer better than I know anyone. I’ve spent years loving her, being in love with her, so I know exactly who she is. Sawyer is kind and loyal and caring, and she will stand by me through this, no matter the outcome. I love her for it. But I can’t let her do it. She deserves more. Someone who can give her everything she could ever want and need. A person I’m not sure I can be. Not now. The only option I can come up with will shatter me, but maybe I can prevent her from too much heartache. For Sawyer, this relationship is new. She will recover. I know I won’t, but I won't let her get dragged down with me.
I pull my hand away from hers, placing it on my lap. The gesture immediately warns Sawyer that something’s off.
“Henry, what’s wrong?” Her eyes shift down to my foot, “Are you in pain? I can find a nurse.” Sawyer rises from the chair.
I let out an empty laugh. “What’s wrong?” I echo back, voice full of condescension. I force my features to go cold, the same way my father did. The similarities between the two of us make me queasy.
“I—I don’t understand.” She searches my face for an answer, but I just stare back at her, my heart breaking in the process. “I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling, but we’ll get through it. Together.”
Her face softens as she takes a step in my direction. She’s going to comfort me, to tell me how things will work out. I yearn for the words, for her to hold me and banish every fear and worry but dragging her down with me is cruel to her.
“No.” The one-syllable word comes out harsh. The moment I say it, it feels as if the world stopped spinning, and birds stopped chirping. Every sentence I say, my soul shatters more and more.
“No?”
The softness forms into confusion then something even more heartbreaking. Sadness.
“I can’t do this, Sawyer. The thing between us. It’s not working.” I quickly gesture between us, barely looking at her. Everything inside me screams to take it back, to say I was lying. To tell her it's not true. To drag her into my arms and never let her go. But I hold steadfast in my declaration, knowing that in time she can see the mercy I'm trying to give her.
“Wha—what are you saying?” Her voice cracks as she asks the question, and the sound hits me straight in the gut, crumbling what little left I have. “Thisthing?”
The hurt in her tone guts me from stem to stern.
“We were foolish to think this could become anything serious long term. This thing just wasn’t meant to last. I think—,” my voice breaks as I spit out the last part, “I think we made a mistake. We should never have been anything more than friends.”
She stares at me in disbelief. Her eyes blink rapidly as she works to process what I'm saying, scrambling to understand why I’m saying the things I am.
“Do you—” she chokes out, tears welling in her eyes. “Do you mean that?”
She’s giving me a chance. A chance to take it back. I almost give in. I nearly drop to my knees and take it all back. The pain in her eyes, the slump of her shoulders begs me to give in.
“Yes.”
Three letters. All it takes.
Her eyes lock with mine, tears mingling with the gold flecks in her irises as she hunts for confirmation that my words have substance. Standing there in silence, it seems she finds what she is looking for. The tears fall from her eyes down her cheeks, and I watch as I break her. Her chest deflates and her shoulders curl inward. My soul feels as though it's been beaten and battered and trampled. But I see no other option. No other way out.
I’m on the verge of throwing up and taking back everything I said, so I do the only thing I can think of. Taking a deep breath, I demolish what’s left of my heart.
“Just go, Sawyer.”
“But I—I thought we—I gave youeverything.” She wrings her hands together, tears streaming down her face. “I thought this was it for us.”
I had thought so too, but I won’t let her sink with me.
Looking away from her, I effectively end the conversation. Dismissing her.
I listen, as tears build and fall in my eyes, while she grabs her purse and runs out the door, taking my heart with her.
CHAPTER 29
