Page 23 of A Play For The Heart
I feel a little robbed that I lost six months to Declan, but I wouldn’t use the word ‘sad’. In all honesty, it probably wasn’t going to last long-term, but the way it ended does sting a little bit. The idea he may have cheated on me leaves me a bit queasy, but I’m not heartbroken over the ending of our relationship.
“No, not really. Maren was right, breaking up was for the best.”
“I’m never wrong,” Maren mumbles from the other side of the couch, her mouth full of snacks.
“Aren’t scientists hesitant to use the wordnever?” From the way Maren glares at Nathalie, I can tell she does not enjoy someone questioning her.
“Was he at least good in bed? That would make up for some of his shitty behavior.”
“That does not make up for poor behavior, Maren.” Nathalie chides, concern plastered across her face.
“I beg to differ,” Maren shrugs, a smirk on her face.
Nathalie and Maren turn to me, waiting for my answer. I open my mouth then close it. Open it, then close it. I’m not exactly sure how to divulge this information without causing a riot. Because that’s what will happen. I’ll say the words and Maren will lose her shit. She’ll throw a million different questions in my direction, her thirst for knowledge unquenchable. Especially when the knowledge is about my personal life.
“Oh, well about that…I haven’t—I didn’t sleep with him,” I scratch the back of my head, nerves overtaking my body.
“What?! He looks like a misunderstood villain,” Maren’s arms whirl through the air, “and you never slept with him? I would have jumped him the moment we started dating.”
Oh god. Here it goes. I covertly slide backward on the couch, widening the space between Maren and me. “Actually, I haven’t slept with anyone.”
Maren’s jaw goes slack, and her face goes two shades paler. My eyes dart to Nathalie, who has a similar response. They both look at me with awe and confusion and shock.
I snatch a bag of goldfish from the coffee table and shove a handful of crackers in my mouth. The need to stress eat is overwhelming. The two of them look at me like I’m some exotic zoo animal and not a twenty-four-year-old virgin. It's not all that uncommon. I looked it up for reassurance one night when I was sad about my love life. Just to be sure.
Finally, after what felt like years, Nathalie speaks. “You’re avirgin?” She whispers the last word like it’s a swear word and she's in front of children.
“Um…yeah. No need to whisper. It’s not a forbidden word.”
“By choice?” Maren asks the question, making a face like the answer may hurt her.
“No. Not by choice.” My cheeks flame and I can imagine how I look. As red as a ripe strawberry.
I’m not waiting for marriage or anything, but I need an emotional connection to be vulnerable in that way. I attempted the whole one-night stand thing to get it over with, but the second the guy wanted to leave the bar and go back to his place, I panicked and said my pet fish needed to go for a walk. Not my best work excuse-wise, but I freaked out. He was honestly so confused that I was able to scurry away, tail between my legs.
“Okay…yeah, okay. Gotcha.” Maren’s face lights up in a feral smile. I think it's her attempt at a supportive friend's smile. Her execution needs some work.
In the past, it has never really bothered me that I was a virgin, but now it’s slowly beginning to feel like the race has already started and I’m still on the bench, trying to tie my shoelaces. People say that everyone moves at their own pace, and for a while, I was a confident believer in that. Now, however, I’m becoming more skeptical. It’s not even really about sex, although that’s part of it. I want to be loved and to give love back. I want to know that someone chooses me, wants me, and loves me. So far, that hasn’t happened, and the feeling I'm not meant for that type of love is slowly starting to creep into my mind. Doesn’t help that Declan solidified those thoughts with his actions.
“I’m touched you shared this with us,” Nathalie smiles softly. That is the smile of a supportive friend. Not whatever Maren just attempted. “Thank you for trusting us with this.”
Nathalie shoves Maren’s shin with her foot. “Ouch!” She looks at Nathalie bewildered, who raises her eyebrows and jerks her head in my direction. Maren blushes. “Oh! Yeah, thanks for sharing. Very cool of you.” Maren throws up some finger guns for good measure.
I can’t hold back the laugh that tumbles out. The information has short-circuited Maren’s brain. She’s floundering and it’s fun to watch. Even if it's at my expense.
“You could sign up for one of those dating apps, maybe go on a few coffee dates?” Nathalie offers.
“Wait. Hold up. We’re not done here.” Here come the questions. I sigh, getting comfortable. We’re going to be here a while. This is Maren losing her shit. “Have you ever…?” Her hand makes an in-and-out motion near her mouth, her tongue pushing her cheek out.
“No.”
“Sure. Sure. Have you ever…?” She makes an up-and-down motion near her crotch, her eyebrows wiggling.
My ears go warm because that’s also a ‘no’ but before I can answer, Nathalie shuts Maren down. “That’s enough. No more gestures. I can’t watch them.”
Maren gives Nathalie a look, like a puppy who was just yelled at. Hurt and confused. Nathalie rises from the couch, gathering her things.
“I wish I could stay, but I have to meet my sister for lunch. I’ll see you guys later.” The door closes behind Nathalie and Maren turns to me, a mischievous smile on her face.
