Page 20 of This Blood that Bonds Us
It had taken me so long to see it, and it was two weeks too late. They’d given me everything I could ever want. Safety. A house. Mom, Presley, and Kimberly. But it cost them everything. They were okay with that, but I wasn’t. They watched me build a life while everything they wanted got taken away from them.
I needed a plan, but I didn’t make plans. The only times I’d ever made the plans had resulted in almost killing someone. So how was I supposed to do this? How was I supposed to find them? Where did I start and how could I make the time go faster so I could see them sooner? If only there was a way for them to know I was looking for them and I wouldn’t stop until I found them.
Mom appeared bundled in a blanket and holding another for me.
“You don’t have to worry about hypothermia with us, Mom.”
“I just want you to be comfortable. You’re not used to this kind of cold.”
I took the blanket, knowing it would do little to help my wet clothes. The fleece engulfed me, and the smell of vanilla helped ease the tension in my shoulders.
Mom sat beside me, watching the stars overhead before she spoke. “You look so grown.”
“I look the same.”
She shook her head. “No you don’t. You look . . . like you aged five years. I can tell something is different.”
“A lot has happened.” I didn’t want to look at her. A strange invisible wall blocked me from her. Was it time? Was it me?
“I know. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
I stared into the blank nothingness of the snow. The porch light illuminated the fresh powder in front of the cabin as it fell on the hood of our car. The snow was like a blanket that muffled every sound. There were no cars or critters close by. Outside was a void. If I disappeared into the night, I wondered if I’d be swallowed by the emptiness of it all.
“It’s okay if you’re upset about the letter.”
Upset didn’t cover it. Devastated didn’t hit the right note either.
“I’m not just upset. I’m angry. They deserved better.”
“You’re right. They do.”
“I don’t know how to find them. I don’t even know where to start.”
“There’s time to figure it out.”
“No there’s not! Who knows what’s happening to them right now? Luke always had a plan, and I have nothing. I’m not like him.”
“I don’t think you have to be, baby.”
I stood up. “Well, I can’t be me. All I’ve done this entire time is mess things up. I don’t know how to form a plan. I can’t even protect anyone like this. I’m literally useless. I have to go. I have to save them.”
“Just let it sit for tonight. Don’t rush things.”
“Mom.”
“I know. I know.” Her voice quaked. “But I just got you back. Can I enjoy it for a second? Will you sit with me for a minute?”
A tear fell from her eyes, and I darted to her, burying her in a hug. I held her close to me and let in everything I’d been trying to hide from. Her warmth and her scent. How it felt to see her almost a year later . . . aged. Different. And I hadn’t been there.
“Of course you can. I’m here. I’m sorry you had to wait all alone.”
She wiped her eyes. “Don’t worry a second about me. I was just so worried about all of you, and I wondered if I’d ever see any of you again. And I wasn’t sure if I could live with myself if I didn’t.”
When Mom hugged me, she wrapped her arms around my head to smother me. Thankfully, I didn’t need to breathe.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Oh, honey. None of this is your fault. It’s mine. I should have done more. I should have—”
