Page 50 of This Blood That Breaks Us
The dam had broke, and tears streamed down my face.I didn’t used to be like this. Terrified and weak. Broken.
Zach pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
“It’s not. I hate that I’m like this. It’s not fair.”
“No, it isn’t.”
I wanted my body to stop betraying me. For my face to stop tingling and the warmth to disappear. I wanted to feel normal again. I wanted it to be a bad dream. I wanted Sarah . . . and she was gone forever.
“Why didn’t I save her? Why am I useless?” I barely got the words out.
“Stop.” Zach squeezed me harder. “Don’t do that.”
Now I was hurting my brother with my brokenness; emotionally before, and now with the bond.
“I’m sorry.”
“What the hell do you have to be sorry for?” he asked, rubbing my back.
“I’m sorry I’m . . . I’m broken.”
Everything would be easier if I wasn’t like this. That Luke could have come up with a better plan. He’d have prevented this from ever happening. That Luke wouldn’t cry on his bed in the dark. He’d be the hero and bring everyone to safety. He’d get up and give a speech. He’d be braver. I was him once and wanted to be him again, but I didn’t know how. That Luke would find a way out of this and get back to his little brothers.
My younger self, full of dreams and optimism, would be so disappointed in me if he knew what I’d become. I imagined it. My younger self sitting in the corner and frowning, then I cried harder.
“Luke.” Zach pulled away with urgency, and to my surprise, he had tears too. “You gotta stop. You’re safe.”
For me? Because of the bond?
“You’re not broken. I’d never let that happen. Here.” He placed his hand over my heart and mine over his. “Just focus here.”
Zach’s heartbeat was calm, but it was hard to tune into with a never-ending stream of tears. The pain of the bond fell into me in waves that felt like they’d never quit pulling me under. My hands still felt weird, and my face was still hot. I wanted to peel off my skin.
“Focus,” he repeated, squeezing my hand over his heart. “Right here. Nothing else matters.”
It had to be a punishment ending up this way.
“Stop thinking and focus on the feeling of vibration. Count it.”
I focused harder on the sound of his heartbeat and the rise and fall of our chests. The vibration of his heart in his ribcage was steady and strong.
With my brother, I was in the safest place in the world. Zach didn’t need me to be anything. Just alive, and that I could do. Even if it was like this. Painful. Tedious.
Every passing minute grew slower. I didn’t focus on my own warmth despite it screaming for my attention. My hand shook, but he squeezed it harder. The pressure helped. I counted the beats in his chest. He was alive. His heart was beating, and it was all I needed at that moment.
As panic let go of me, I let go of him.
“I wouldn’t be here without you,” I said, sniffling.
“You would.”
“No, I wouldn’t. You’re the only thing I have left. The only thing that matters anymore.”
“Luke, don’t say shit like that. I hate it when you say things like that.”
“Why? It’s true.”
No one had ever been there for me like my brother. I would have never made it if I’d been alone. My brother would die for me. He’d kill for me and love me no matter what I did. I needed that. Someone who expected nothing from me.
