Page 112 of This Blood That Breaks Us
“The human isn’t the only one who enjoys your company.”
“You . . . know?” My heartbeat sped in my chest.
“I do know you met Cecily during the first new moon of your arrival. She’s fond of you. It makes me very fond of you as well. Cecily is attracted to kind people.”
She still didn’t know about that day with Cecily in the garden. Which meant there was still hope of Cecily’s words. Someone was coming, but Ascension was close. In less than two days, my brother and I would bond ourselves to Her, and the thought brought me more relief than grief.
I swallowed as a wave of anxiousness fell over me, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
She stroked my cheek. “What’s wrong?”
“I think I wanna stay with you. And that scares me.”
I couldn’t deny that part of myself anymore. That part of me that grew stronger and stronger every day and urged me to give in. To abandon my life and let this place swallow me whole. To let Her take me and hide me in all Her divine power and beauty.
“Why does it scare you?”
“Because I don’t think that’s what I should want.”
“You’ve always looked after everyone else. Why shouldn’t you get something you want?”
“I don’t know.”
She kissed my cheek, and my unraveling came together again, but as soon as Her lips left me, I was back to the same confusion as before. With nothing but butterflies circling in my chest, I reached for Her, cupping Her cheek and pulling Her lips to mine.
It was gentle and slow. Euphoric. I melted into Her, and She let me slide Her down onto the sheets. It wasn’t lust this time but a need of a totally different kind. We were perfect together.
She pulled away first and pushed me off.
“I’m sorry. I should have asked.”
“I want you to be settled and levelheaded for Ascension.”
“I’m sure,” I said, fighting the urge to kiss Her again, “I’m thinking clearly. I know what I want.”
“Will you continue to read to me?” Her eyes were softer now, and I wondered how close Cecily was. If she could see or hear me, or if she felt that kiss.
“Of course.”
As soon as I left Her room, the weight of my own fate hit me. Her gravity upon me was like a healing salve nothing could permeate, but as soon as it was gone, all of my aches and pains were back. My whole body hurt all the time because of my pain but also some of Zach’s and Will’s. I couldn’t tell what belonged to who anymore. I was starting to think it was only mine.
Thane waited outside the door.
“You need to be alone, huh?”
I said nothing but nodded as he stayed a couple feet behind me. I didn’t want to go back to my room where Zach could be waiting, as the sun had gone down for the day. Instead, we walked to the west wing, and I found my favorite room to sit in.
I stopped at the doorframe. “Do you mind?”
“Not at all. You know I’m here if you need,” Thane said.
I closed the door behind me. The room was themed in blue and held a fake fireplace and a vaulted ceiling with light-blue walls. When the sun was up, the entire room would be lit up by the turquoise-stained glass on the windows. It was the brightest room in the entire castle.
I collapsed into an armchair and finally let all the emotion fall out of me. Bitter tears welled, and I didn’t stop them from falling. I sobbed into my hands. Why was this my fate? And why couldn’t I pick something I wanted? The confusion was the worst part. I was tired. So tired. I thought of Sarah. She’d be upset if she knew the things I’d done. The things I wanted to do.
There was a knock but not at the door. Will rapped his knuckles on the edge of the fireplace. He’d made his way into the room, and I hadn’t heard him.
“You all right?”
