Page 6 of Mom-Com
I’d rather die a thousand deaths than hit a ball with a stick. That one wasn’t making the cut. Of course, there were others that wouldn’t work, simply because I was living half a century after she’d written the article. No payphone booths to get tangled up with a good-looking man. Or harpsichords I could borrow to impress the gentlemen with my strumming skills. Ah, well, fifty was probably too many to tackle anyway.
Decision made, a list of twenty seemed more realistic. I got busy transcribing the ones I planned to try out in my notebook. If I made a goal of two per week, I would have a nice long line of men waiting outside my door, I just knew it.
Once I had my twenty all laid out, I grabbed my phone to call Gabby to tell her about my change in plans. I wasn’t going modern with dating apps, I was going retro with vintage dating advice from Prevention magazine. She’d be thrilled, I was sure.
“Hey, Lil, what’s up?”
“Gabby?” I could barely contain my excitement. You know that feeling you have at the top of the roller coaster? My heart was pounding and I could barely catch my breath. I was exhilarated. “You’re never gonna guess what I’m doing.”
Twenty Ways to Find a Husband:
Get a dog and walk it
Have your car break down in strategic places (fire station!)
Be nice to everybody—they may have an eligible brother/son
Flirt even with ugly men...they’re the ones who will be faithful
Sit next to men, not women, in public social situations
Stumble when you walk by him, so he knows you’re there
Wear a Band-Aid, men will ask what happened
Stand in a corner and cry softly, he’ll come over to see what’s wrong
Learn how to bake tasty apple pies...bring one to all areas where eligible bachelors go
Accidentally drop your purse/bag and have contents fly all over the street so he’ll help you
If you look good in sweaters, wear them more often
Go on a diet if you need to
When on a date, order a rare steak
Don’t whine—girls who whine stay on the vine!
Don’t talk about how many children you want (the cows may have already left the barn on that one...)
Learn to sew and wear something you made yourself
Very early in your dating, why not get a favorite song that you both regard as “your song”?
Resist the urge to make him over—before marriage that is!
Clip and mail him a funny cartoon you think he’d like
Make and sell toupees—Bald men are easy catches!
4
Jameson
Today was the day. I was ready. I’d constructed my hypothesis, written out my predictions, and designed the experiment the best I could. I didn’t have the luxury of a control group to test the effect of my independent variable, but I did write out all the steps of my experiment in great detail, going so far as to type up the ways I’d attempt to woo my neighbor. Laminating the list was a little over the top, but I didn’t like to take any chances once an experiment was underway. What if I spilled my coffee?
Twenty Ways to Find a Wife:
