Page 40 of Mom-Com
I didn’t know if it was being sleep-deprived from Butterscotch, the name drawn out of the hat for our new puppy, or if it was a natural function of missing the man next door. Either way, I dragged ass all week, my normal energy drained like my cell phone battery by the end of the day.
I hadn’t figured out what to do about Jameson, nor had I continued my list of ways to find a husband. I was stuck, stagnant, standing in one place and getting damn sick of myself in the process. My stomach got queasy every time I thought of Jameson’s face when the guy from down the street asked me to go running with him. The idea of implementing any of the other ways on my list made me want to hurl.
But I couldn’t make myself go over there and talk to Jameson either.
I called myself every name in the book. It boiled down to the fact I was, in fact, a big, fat chicken. Something kept holding me back and I couldn’t put my finger on it. The bouquet waiting for me every morning on my welcome mat didn’t help matters either. There was never a note, but I knew they were from Jameson. It was the same bouquet of flowers he’d given me that first night I’d invited him and Stein over for dinner. His intent was clear: he wasn’t done wooing me. He’d backed off substantially, but not entirely.
I loved those flowers and dreaded them at the same time. My thoughts and feelings were all over the map and there I stayed, stuck in one place, no decision of any kind made yet. So when Shawn showed up Saturday morning to take the kids for the weekend, I was in a mood more foul than any man should have to withstand.
“Back by five tomorrow?” I snapped from the front door. The kids hustled to his car, probably anxious to get away from Grumpy Mom. Shawn spun around on the front porch and eyed me warily.
“Everything okay, Lily?”
Oh, now that was brave. A mistake, but brave nonetheless for such a spineless little man.
“Oh, just great, thanks for asking.” I smiled an overly sweet smile, the kind so sweet it makes you queasy. The pressure was building and I felt like it just might take me with it when it exploded. Then, like a demon possessed, I spewed forth questions, the ones I’d never asked in the two years we’d been apart. “Did you ever love me? Or were we more like a pair of ratty old slippers, comfortable and easy? Did you just keep me around until you found a brand-new shiny pair? Or did I do something to stop you from loving me?”
Shawn staggered back a step, surprised as I was by the twenty questions. Apparently, the explosion I feared looked a lot like verbal diarrhea once it spewed. We’d never really fought when we split, he just quietly gathered his things and moved out. Thoughts and feelings were never really discussed.
He glanced over his shoulder quickly, seeing the kids safely inside his car. “What’s this about?” His gaze met mine and he looked properly cautious.
I slumped against the doorway, tired now that the questions were out there, hovering in the space between us. “I don’t know. I just—I’m trying to understand.”
Shawn stepped closer, his body rigid and prepared for flight. “You were never a pair of slippers. But I do think loving each other became habit, something we did because it was the natural progression of our dating. I just got to a point where I didn’t think that was enough to keep us together. We both deserved to be passionately in love with someone else. That was the main thing. There was no passion between us. I still love you, Lily. Like I love my sister, or my best friend.” I cringed, but he kept going. “I deserve more. You deserve more. You’re a beautiful woman and will make someone ecstatically happy one day. It’s just not me.”
As harsh as that was to hear, the words rang true. Like everything in me resonated with what he said, accepted it as true, recognized it as my own truth too. I wondered why I still harbored feelings of not being enough, like our split was proof of it. That just wasn’t true and I was finally able to receive the message. Ultimately, I was happy he’d had the insight and courage to end things when he did.
A rush of affection for this man, the one I should have only been friends with, flooded through my body, causing tears to blur my vision. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.
“Thank you. You’re so right,” I whispered.
He hugged me back for a moment and then we broke apart awkwardly.
He hooked a thumb over his shoulder. “Gotta get going.”
I nodded, stepping back. “See you tomorrow.”
As he walked back to his car, I felt completely different than I had this morning. Or all week. Like that simple conversation with my ex had locked something into place. In the back of my mind, I’d always wondered if I just wasn’t good enough to love. If maybe I just wasn’t enough, period.
Our breakup hadn’t been about me at all. It was about both of us equally. About two people not being right for each other. About two people being given a chance at love again. About two people being courageous and brave and daring.
Shawn, in his own way, had already done that. It may have taken me two years to get my head screwed on straight, but I was ready now. I was ready to be brave. To take a chance on love. To lay it all on the line and open my heart up to something wild and crazy and wonderful.
Something that looked a lot like Jameson.
* * *
“I’m running out of material, woman! Get your flirt on, would ya?” Gabby answered the phone without even a hello, just getting right down to business.
“I’m kind of done with that now, Gabs.” I paced my living room, staring out into my backyard, my brain whirling.
“What do you mean ‘done’? Did you finally give up on the list? What happened?” Gabby’s voice turned soft, taking off her reporter hat and putting on her bestie hat instead.
“Nothing happened. Well, that’s not accurate. Everything happened. I just talked to Shawn.” I rubbed my forehead. This wasn’t coming out right.
“Oh, no, honey. Don’t listen to that man. He’s never understood you.”
“No, no. It was a really good conversation. We never loved each other, you know? I mean, we did and we still do, but not in the way a husband and wife should. We were an old pair of slippers and I want glittery ruby red slippers.”
