Page 1 of Mom-Com
1
Lily-Marie
I clicked the door shut behind me, wishing I could slam it instead and get out some of the frustration bubbling inside me. With my two kids asleep in their beds—dear God, please say they were asleep—a soft click would have to do. That’s why moms drank wine. It was silent, tasty, and calmed the daily frustrations that chafed almost as badly as the Spanx trying to hold in my pooch-y belly those same kids were responsible for.
We couldn’t have tantrums, so we drank. Sue me.
“Gabby?” I whisper-yelled into my house.
My lifelong best friend was babysitting for me tonight so I could “enjoy” a night out with a guy I’d connected with on Kinder, the latest dating app that promised “solid relationships with just one click!” More like false promises and nightmares. Bejeezus, why were people so weird? Was it too much to ask to be swept off one’s feet by a dashing prince? Although, I guess that wasn’t Kinder’s fault. Maybe I should blame the company I happened to work for. I mean, they kind of sold me—even as a little girl—on the idea of a prince saving me with one perfect kiss.
“Hey, how did it go?” Gabby came around the corner, rubbing her eyes. She checked the watch on her wrist, frowning.
I hung my jacket up on the hook by the door and moved farther into the house.
“Yeah, it’s early, I know. Sorry to interrupt your nap. It was a lukewarm date right up until he whipped out his phone over the appetizers and showed me—and I’m not kidding you—at least thirty dick pics. Apparently, there’s an art form for taking just the right one, did you know?” Her jaw dropped open and I continued. That joy needed to be spread. “Because, as I learned, lighting, angle, level of excitement, the temperature in the room. Those are all things that can positively or negatively affect the end result. Which. He. Showed. Me.”
My eyes glazed over and I full-body shivered just recalling the things I’d seen. Gabby snapped her mouth closed and hustled around me to the kitchen, pulling down a bottle of wine from the top cabinet that had seen better days. At some point I’d get around to refacing my cabinets. Tonight was not that day.
“I know what this calls for. Tonight’s a merlot night.” She pulled out two glasses and got to work on the cork.
I sank into a bar stool and pushed the kids’ stack of graded homework out of the way. “God bless you.” My shoes, the ones I only pulled out for dates because they killed my feet, were kicked off in a frenzy. And then, only because we were such good friends and I had enough dirt on her to last a lifetime, I reached up under my dress and peeled off the Spanx so I could breathe.
“Oh, that’s nice...” I whispered, sitting back down and accepting the glass she held out to me. The first sip went down the hatch and I could feel the layer of ick he’d left on me with his detailed pictures sliding off my skin, hopefully never to be seen again.
“That’s truly the most disgusting thing I’ve heard recently. And I just babysat your eight-year-old son, who thought it was fun to make slime and smear it all over his skin like he was a mutant lizard shedding his winter coat.” Gabby sat on the stool next to me, her long black hair always so perfect, even though she’d just woken up after babysitting the hellion spawn of mine I loved so dearly.
I cringed. “Ah, conned you into making slime again, huh?”
She shrugged. “It made him happy and you know I can’t say no to my godchildren.” She raised her glass and we clinked them together before taking another healthy swig. “So, fill me in. How have the other dates gone?”
Gabby was a hotshot columnist for the LA Times, writing a modern-day advice column, similar to Ann Landers, but with a younger perspective. She was busy all the time, but still found time to encourage—nag—me about going on dates with men I met online.
I’d been single for two years, but was just now feeling like dating men was something I was ready for. I’d only been with my ex, having dated him all through high school and most of college before we had kids together. We never officially got married, and that was something that had always bothered me. Call me old-fashioned, but I really wanted to wear a white dress and show off my sparkling diamond engagement ring. Which, if these recent dates were any indication, wouldn’t be happening any time soon. My cabinets would be getting that remodel before I was a Mrs.
“Oh God, Gabby. It’s so bad out there. Seriously. Count yourself lucky you have a man already.” I rubbed my forehead, smearing the makeup I’d so carefully applied just a few hours before. She didn’t say anything, so I kept spewing, the words leaking out uncensored. This was what I needed. Time with my bestie. Total therapy. “So, I went on that mid-day coffee date last week and I should have known better. He never showed. And here’s the kicker: hismomshowed up to tell me he couldn’t make it.”
Gabby drew her head back sharply. “No!”
I slapped a hand down on the counter and immediately winced at the noise it made, hurrying on in a whisper. “Yes! She said he’d wrecked her car that morning and she took away his cell phone as punishment. Then she proceeded to tell me how wonderful he normally is and that I should call him in two days when she gave him back his cell phone.”
Gabby’s giggle turned into a full-out belly laugh. She abandoned her wine glass on the counter and bent over, muffling her laugh with her knees.
“It’s not funny!” I whisper-yelled at the top of her head. “Besides, you’re going to want to hear what happened with my lunch date.”
Her head whipped up and she swiped the tears from her wide eyes. “It gets worse?”
I took the time to top off my glass before answering. She laughed at me. She could wait a minute or two before I told her more. “As I was saying, I had a lunch date last week too. I showed up, he showed up. He was just as attractive as his picture, so things were looking good, right? Next thing I know, he’s telling me all about his last fight with his ex-girlfriend. And I mean details! Like his favorite red sundress she was wearing, and the way she called him an asshole under her breath, which she knows he hates. By the time my salad showed up, I was ready to shovel it down and get the hell out of there.”
“Wow, Lil, that’s crazy. I wish I could say that’s abnormal, but there are some crazy-ass people out there.” Gabby looked at me sympathetically. She got a lot of crazies writing in and asking her for advice on bizarre life situations, so I knew she understood.
“But that’s not even the end of it.” I placed my glass on the counter. I needed two hands for this. “By the time I ate my salad, he’d let the cat out of the bag that he and his girlfriend werestill together. They hadn’t actually broken up. I was out on a lunch date helping a guy cheat on his girlfriend.”
“Oh, honey...” Gabby looked a little green. That was an area we’d always agreed on: cheating was never okay. Not ever.
“But wait!” I stopped talking and burst out laughing. “Oh my God! I sound like an infomercial. ‘But wait, there’s more!’” Gabby laughed with me and then I finished it. “So, naturally, I hop up like my chair’s on fire and head out the door. He follows me all the way to my car and tries to hug me. I push him off me, but his hand is stuck in my purse. The fucker was trying to pickpocket me on our cheating date!”
Gabby jumped off the stool and looked ready to fight the dude right there on the spot. “What did you do?”
