Page 62 of Side Hustle
25
Hazel
I threw another log on the fire and danced as the sparks flew up into the air. Sure, I may have had a demented look on my face that scared my friends. Sure, I was drinking alcohol after a week of almost no food and zero activity outside of getting out of my bed to pee. Sure, I was one more disastrous shift away from losing my job at FART. (Have you ever tried to smell things when your nose was stuffed up due to incessant crying?)
Tonight’s bonfire on the beach with my girlfriends was my first spot of fun in a dreary week of grief and self-flagellation.
Okay, fine. It wasn’t so much fun as forced activity. The girls had come over after a week of me ignoring their calls, standing hip to hip just inside my doorway like breakup superheroes, having been let into the house by the traitor formally known as Granny. They’d dragged me out of my bed, tossed me into the shower fully clothed, and threatened to shave my eyebrows if I didn’t get cleaned up and dressed.
I really liked my eyebrows.
Which was how I ended up here at the beach, dressed in leggings, a black sweater with a black jacket on top, and a scarf with little skulls and crossbones on it. I was out, but I wasn’t happy about it.
“The mother situation aside, I really think we need to talk about you and Rip,” Amelia stated, the first one brave enough to get down to business. She probably figured since I was on my third hard cider, I was primed for pummeling.
“That asshole?” I smirked and plopped down in my chair, taking another long drag of cider.
“Now, Hazel. Don’t act like you weren’t in love with the guy. He messed up, but his heart was in the right place.” Lucy sat forward, a look of concern stamped across her face.
Here we go. The tag team. I’d been part of the tag team before. I knew how it worked and I wanted no part of it. This was one party I could do without. “Please. The handsome fucker paid my mother to leave town and then broke up with me. After I helped him run for mayor! If he wins, I’m going to have to leave the town I grew up in. If anyone has a right to be pissed, it’s me.”
Finnie looked at the others. “She has a valid point.”
“Thank you.” I tipped my head at her.
Lenora gave Finnie a death glare. “Of course, you have a right to be upset. But you also have the obligation to see things from his point of view. You did ask him to help you get rid of your mother, right?”
A pang of guilt filtered in through the anger I wore like a heavy blanket. “Ugh. Yes, thank you so much for throwing that in my face. But that doesn’t excuse why he broke up with me. He went from wanting to marry me to telling me I’m not good enough and that I should calm down.” I punched my index finger in the air. “That is asshole behavior. I dare you to contradict me.”
Amelia sent a look to Lenora, who sent the same wide-eyed look to Lucy. I knew that look, having been a participant when each of these ladies had gone through boy trouble in the past. They were about to ramp up their attack with something that would really piss me off, yet send me into the tailspin of a truth hurricane.
“He loved you enough to give away half his fortune. Forever,” Lenora said.
Lucy jumped in. “And he didn’t break up with you because you weren’t enough. From what we can piece together from what Amelia overheard, he broke up with you because he thinkshe’snot enough foryou.”
“He’s running scared,” Amelia murmured.
My eyes stung again. As much as I wanted to hate him, I didn’t. Not even close. And I knew it because hearing that he was scared absolutely gutted me. Holding on to anger was just so much easier than feeling the hurt.
“Your mom ran the first second she could. Don’t you run too, Hazel Redding.”
My head popped up to connect with Amelia’s dead-serious gaze. Wow. There it was. The first jab. The truth hurricane had started. Saying it without saying it, they’d compared me to my mother.
“A simple misunderstanding kept you apart in high school. Don’t let it keep you apart again.” Lucy came through with the right hook.
The pain blooming in my chest like a real wound lit a fire under my ass. I hopped out of the chair and faced the group, legs wide apart, ready for battle. I was tired of feeling all the feelings. I wanted to go back to smiling for no other reason than being happy to be alive. I wanted to find a rowdy get-together and be the life of the party. I wanted to feel whole whether Rip was by my side or not. And the only way to do all that was to go through, not around, the pain in my chest.
Reaching into the billowy jacket, I pulled out an old, rumpled flannel. I held it out to the girls, no longer willing to hide it in the back of my dresser.
“This is the flannel Rip was wearing junior year when we made out down by the marina. I was cold and he gave it to me. I took it home that night, and even when we went our separate ways, I kept it.” I bundled it up into a ball. “But tonight, I’m going to burn it.”
“Oh, Hazel,” Lucy said sadly.
“No. Not for the reasons you think. I’m burning it because I’m done holding on to who he and I used to be. The hurt we caused each other back then and now. Shit, the two of us are expert grudge holders.” I huffed out a laugh before getting serious again. “I’m just done holding my breath and waiting for him to let me down again. Even when he told me he wanted to marry me, I didn’t believe him, which is why I had to have a ring on my finger to take him seriously. In the back of my mind, I was just waiting for him to back out. And he did! I can’t give him the confidence he needs to be with me. He has to find that for himself.”
I shook my head and swallowed past the tears. “I’m just ready for a clean slate. With or without him.”
And with that, I dropped the shirt into the bonfire and watched it catch fire. Within a minute, the shirt I’d held on to for over a decade was nothing more than ash.
