Page 51 of Side Hustle
“Oh my. Are we going to make it a threesome, Officer?” I said in a high-pitched voice, trying to stroke his obvious hard-on under those jeans with my toes.
Rip batted my foot away. “No! Hazel. For real. I see someone sneaking into the clinic.”
I gasped and looked out the window, trying to see beyond the fog we’d created. I thought I saw something dark and shadowy by the front door. When the door opened, I knew we had our thief.
“Let’s get him!” I shouted, scrambling to push Rip out the door.
“Stay here,” he ordered without looking back at me. He swung open the door and then shut it again quietly before I could get out.
“Hey!” I yelled, but he either didn’t hear me or just didn’t care. He was going to have all the fun without me. “That son of a bitch…”
I went to climb out after him, but the firm yank on my wrists reminded me I was handcuffed to the goddamn steering wheel. “Shit!”
Looking out the window, I could see a shirtless Rip creeping toward the front door of the clinic, adjusting the front of his pants. My heart rate hit dangerous levels thinking of what could happen to him all by himself with what could turn out to be a dangerous thief. I mean, everyone knew Nikki Quinnly took Jiu Jitsu lessons on the regular.
I looked around the truck frantically. My gaze snagged on my cell phone on the floor. If I scooted my butt to the edge of the seat, I could just reach it with my toe. Seconds ticked by, seeming like hours as I painstakingly used my big toe to punch in the passcode I’d had since smartphones became a thing. I nearly collapsed with relief when the screen finally unlocked. Another toe swipe and I was in my contacts. I hit the L for Lucy but a loud bang coming from the clinic had me jumping. I didn’t see anything in the dark, but when I looked back at my phone, I’d hit Lenora’s contact and my phone was currently dialing her.
“Hazel?” I heard from down on the floor.
“Lenora?” I shouted, not trusting myself to hit the speakerphone button with my jumpy toe. “If you can hear me, call Lucy! Tell her we have an emergency down at the clinic!”
“Okay, honey. Should I call the police too?” I heard her shout back after only a brief moment of hesitation. That was my girl. Even nine months pregnant, she was on the ball.
“Yes! Call the chief! Call the firemen! Call everyone and get them down here!”
“I’m on it!” she shouted. And then she hung up on me.
Another loud bang echoed across the pavement from the clinic and I saw a second dark figure creep toward the front door. I inhaled so sharply my vision went blurry. I couldn’t take it anymore. My poor Rip was outnumbered by frenzied jizz stealers. For all I knew they could take one look at the beautiful erection that was just for me and milk him for the goods they so desperately wanted. Nobody stole my man’s spooge! With renewed enthusiasm, I yanked again on the handcuffs and the cheap plastic chain between them broke. I was free!
I scrambled out of the truck, not bothering to shut the door. Then I ran like my future children’s lives depended on it, my open pants inching down with each step. By the time I flattened myself to the wall outside the front door like all the cops I’d seen on television, my poor jeans had dropped to my ankles. Stupid boyfriend jeans. This wouldn’t have happened in my tight skinny jeans. Hopefully the cameras didn’t catch my naked ass run. I yanked the offending pants back up and fastened them, my brain scrambling for what to do next.
By now, the police should be on their way, so maybe I should wait.
Then again, there were two thieves in there and only one good guy. I’d even the odds by charging in there. I really wished I had Amelia’s bat right about now, though. Who would have thought her advice to carry one at all times would turn out to be good advice?
A high-pitched battle cry from inside took the decision right out of my hands. Before the yell even broke off, I’d kicked the door open and run inside to help my man.
20
Hazel
“What in the ever-loving hell is going on here?” I muttered, taking in the scene with wide eyes and a racing heart. I’d run down the hallway and found all the activity in the sample room.
Jayden’s baby mama, otherwise known as That Bitch Addi, whacked my boyfriend with a four-foot inflatable penis in a light fleshy color. Rip took the hit and whacked her back with a five-foot inflatable penis in a much darker flesh color. Behind them stood Nikki Quinnly with her black knit hat all askew and a vial in her hands. All the refrigerators in the room were open, revealing hundreds of sperm samples that Lucy kept stored here. I was no sperm expert, but having the doors wide open didn’t seem like a good idea for the longevity of those swimmers.
“Stop!” I shouted, hands out wide like I could somehow control the chaos.
Addi squeaked and spun, the tip of her penis taking out a whole row of samples in the refrigerator closest to her. She hopped over the samples as they rolled by her feet. Rip, God bless him, took her moment of distraction to drop the inflatable and tackle her to the ground. She squawked something about us ruining her life. I ran around them and grabbed Nikki, who outmuscled me by twenty pounds and at least six inches of height. She easily batted my hands away and backed up, hitting the refrigerator and making it shake precariously.
“I’m just getting her late boyfriend’s sperm!” she warbled, holding her hands up like Rip and I really were the police and not just role-playing tonight.
I pointed to the sample in her hands. “That ain’t her boyfriend’s. That’s the sperm of Bain Sutton, the prison warden.”
She gasped and went to drop it. I sprang into action and tried to catch it, bobbling it several times before clutching it to my chest in safety. Lucy would kill me if it spilled on the floor. Plus, that would just be gross. I’d like to keep all the unidentified splooge contained if I could.
“My sperm!”
A shout from the doorway had us all swiveling our heads. Lucy stood there, her hands on her head, taking in the wreckage of the room. Chief Waldo pushed her aside and hustled into the room far faster than I would have expected from the aging chief considering it was almost midnight, and based on the boxers that didn’t quite contain the oversized belly, he had been fast asleep when he got the call.
