Page 44 of Love Bank
Wait, no. Just the thing about Nikki and the case of the stolen sperm.
“Damn diesel engines. They’ll kill our eardrums and then the environment,” I grumbled.
I pulled out my cell phone to call Chief Waldo, but took a minute to think about what I’d say. It’s not every day that you have to call in a missing person’s report on a cup of sperm. I mean, it was just the sperm, so it was kind of half a person. Could you issue a BOLO for half a person? Or a whole cup’s worth of half persons. Unless of course, the sample had a sperm count issue and then there’d be less. I needed to get my story just right for Chief Waldo not to laugh me off the phone.
It was as I contemplated this ridiculous turn of events that I noticed the guy sitting in the driver’s side of the truck still idling twenty feet from my door. He was shifting constantly like he had ants in his pants. And he never looked over at my clinic, but kept glancing in his rearview mirror. Which would mean he was staring at the prison.
A red flag went up in my head, stirring up the unease that already resided there. I narrowed my eyes and ignored the continued gasps from Keva. They were coming at odd intervals now, just a whiff of air intake as she processed all the possible outcomes of the Nikki problem.
Instead of calling the chief, I texted Bain.
Lucille:There’s a suspicious male idling outside my clinic.
After a few seconds, I got a message back.
Bain:I promise it’s not me.
Lucille:No, you dumbass, I know that. It’s some shifty guy staring at the prison. I think we have a problem brewing.
Bain:I’ve had a problem brewing in my pants ever since I saw you try to stare down a seagull.
Lucille:Seriously? Is everything about sex?
Bain:Says the woman surrounded by cumshots.
I rolled my eyes again. I had no idea what a cumshot was, but I could guess based on Bain’s one-track mind. Fine, if he wouldn’t believe me, I’d call the chief and kill two birds with one stone. I’d ask him to come over so I could report the theft, and while he was here, he could convince Mr. Shifty to move along.
My phone pinged again before I could scroll to find the chief’s number.
Bain:I just looked. We aren’t releasing any inmates today.
Lucille:I have to call Chief Waldo anyway for another matter. I’m sure he’ll believe me.
With that last lob of guilt, I found the chief’s number and waited for it to ring through.
“Keva, will you go into the sample room and make sure we didn’t misplace it?”
She hopped up and hustled out of the room. I had a feeling she didn’t want to get messed up in the accusation I was about to make. If it wasn’t stolen like we thought, we’d owe poor Nikki quite the apology.
“Y’ello!” The chief’s voice rang out so loud I almost dropped my phone.
“Hey, Chief. This is Lucille Eureka over at Coastal Fertility.”
“Hey there, Lucille. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I seem to have a situation on my hands. Would you be able to come by?” I paced the lobby, still a little shell-shocked someone had stolen from my clinic. You heard about sperm thieves, but you never thought they’d happen to you.
“Sure thing. I got one house visit to make and then I’ll be over. That work for you?”
I nodded, then realized he couldn’t see me. “It sure does. Thank you, Chief.”
The phone was almost back in the pocket of my slacks when the front door behind me clanked open like someone was racing for the last croissant at Coffee. I twirled around and my heart stopped.
Listen, it’s not every day you go from being flirted with by God’s gift to jawlines, had sperm stolen from you, and then had the scary end of a gun pointed directly at your face all within twenty-four hours. My nervous system simply couldn’t handle the overload. So I chose the door number three they don’t tell you about in these situations. I didn’t choose fight or flight. I chose freeze.
Two men rushed in, the one staying in front of me with the gun now pressed to the very spot on my forehead that had ached a minute ago. The other grabbed my arms and held them behind me in a grasp that meant business.
“We don’t want to hurt you. Just give us all the money you have,” the guy behind me demanded.
