Page 8 of Christmas Eve Do-Over
"Maybe we can do this again. Like tomorrow."
Her eyes narrowed. "Like we're dating?"
I shrugged. "I wouldn't be opposed."
The pause that followed held entire days of conversation. My gaze never left hers, telling her I wasn't blasé at all about wanting to date her. Needing her to understand how much I wanted to be with her. Her answering gaze told me she knew all too well how I felt and she wasn't keen on the dating idea.
Or was she? I wouldn't say I was a ladies' man, but I'd been on my fair share of dates over the years and the subtle signs were there. Looking up at me through her lashes, the flirty responses, the eager way she'd lean forward while we talked, the slight blush on her cheeks. She was enjoying our conversation as much as I was. I was sure of it.
She finally dropped her gaze to the table and spelled it out, like she was having a conversation with the tablecloth. "Lots of things have changed since you knew me last. I don't date. But if you'd like a friends-with-benefits situation, I'm open to that."
Friends with benefits? What the hell?
The kernel of hope in my lonely heart died a slow death. Anger flared there instead, not that she'd refused me, but that she'd tried to cheapen what I knew we both felt between us.
"While I appreciate the offer and am tempted beyond belief to take the scraps you're offering, I must refuse." I reached across the table and grabbed her hand. Anything to have her looking at me again. "I'm not getting any younger, Shasta. I'm a lonely man. Being with you for short periods of time just isn't going to work for me."
She gave my hand a squeeze before pulling it back, a sad smile on her face. "Then I'd say we're at an impasse. I'm not willing to date anyone, not even you."
Silence filled the air again. I didn't want to give up so easily, not when I knew without a doubt I wanted to explore a relationship with Shasta. But I also wanted to respect her boundaries. Indecision warred in my head.
"Would you please tell me what happened? So I understand why you're saying no? Would you at least give me that?" I was reduced to begging. I wasn't proud of it, but I couldn't help it. Not with Shasta. I needed to understand why she wouldn't date me.
She looked to the ceiling, like the answers were held there, suspended above us. Then she heaved out a big sigh and sat back in her chair. "Fine. I'll give you the Cliffs Notes version. I broke up with you to be with Jason. You know that part. Well, Jason...he said all the right things, drove a flashy car, and pretty much showed me a wild time. Exactly what a nineteen-yea-old girl is looking for. Except, he never grew up. He was possessive at first, which I thought was flattering. Then he convinced me to marry him. Then he started separating me from my friends. You know, classic abusive behavior. But as a newlywed woman-child, that's not what you want to hear. Not what you want to admit has happened to you. So I stayed and made excuses and the abuse escalated. When I decided I couldn't take it anymore, I left. On Christmas Eve actually. Packed a bag with whatever would fit and walked away. Sounds easy, but it was anything but. I had to fight him in the courts and eventually fight him physically. I won. I'm here. And I will never get emotionally involved with another man. End of story."
She looked at me, the steel in her eyes letting me know her independence had been hard-fought. There I'd been, pining over our breakup with sappy love songs and she'd been fighting to get away from an asshole that never should have had his hands on her.
I spoke softly, hoping she could hear what came straight from my heart. "Thank you for telling me. I admire your strength and I understand your stance. I adored you twenty years ago and I respect you even more today."
Then I stood up and held out my hand. There wouldn't be any further discussion or persuasion on my part. She needed space, and quite frankly, I needed to wrap my head around everything I was feeling.
She placed her hand in mine and let me help her to her feet. I held her hand until we exited the restaurant, letting it go when we got outside and put on our coats. I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever get the chance to hold her hand again. Or if this was officially goodbye.
