Page 20 of Christmas Eve Do-Over
Fine, I was hiding out for just a few moments longer, taking deep breaths and pep-talking myself. Give me a break. This was monumental, okay?
When I made it out to the backyard, makeup and hair put back to order but knowing there was no hope for my red eyes or my anxious heart, I scanned the crowd, the cool air combining with nerves to give me goose bumps and chattering teeth. I had a jacket somewhere, but I wasn't willing to delay any longer. My heart dropped as I realized Duke may have already left, thinking I wasn't coming back.
I slipped out of my heels, holding them in my hand while I walked across the cold grass, darting between clustered groups of people or couples dancing near the space heaters. I did a double take, finally seeing him sitting in a dark gazebo in the back of the yard, a beer dangling between his hands while he sat forward, examining the floor. My heart jumped back into my chest and pounded out a rhythm I felt to the tips of my toes.
I walked toward him, watching him, really seeing him now that I wasn't running away. I cataloged the differences in his skin, his hair, his body, from when he was nineteen. Wondered what he'd experienced in life, what baggage he brought to the table. I was so busy running scared; I hadn't even asked him. The pounding settled and a deep ache took hold.
I loved this man. He deserved a better version of me.
Without the wall to suffocate it, my heart expanded, beating healthy for the first time in decades. I felt lighter without the wall. Fragile too, but ready to open up.
"It's yours if you still want it." I called out to Duke from ten feet away.
His head whipped up, and he set his bottle of beer on the floor. I kept walking closer, needing to see his eyes. They always looked at me with such kindness and I needed a little of that to drum up more courage to say what I needed to say.
When I reached the gazebo, he hopped up, his hands held awkwardly at his sides, fists clenched. The kindness was still there in his eyes, shadowed by weariness. I'd put that shadow there, constantly pushing him away, refusing to admit what my heart always knew.
I shivered, more from the knowledge I'd hurt the man I loved and less from the lack of space heaters back in this part of the reception area. He stepped down from the gazebo, putting us toe to toe. Without breaking our staredown, he took off his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders, his rough hands rubbing up and down my arms.
I'd thrown his love back in his face and left him—again—and he was giving me the coat off his back the moment I shivered. If I wasn't sure before, I knew now with certainty. Duke was the opposite of my ex. He respected me. Cherished me. I had nothing to fear here.
"My heart. It's had a huge wall around it for so long." I started again, my voice coming out with a tremor, unsure of how to make this right. "Out of necessity, I had to. But I left it up way too long. And I'm sorry. If you still want it, it's yours."
I held my breath, watching for signs he forgave me and wanted to give this thing a try. His eyes cleared slowly. Then the lines between his eyes smoothed, his shoulders dropped.
"You know the ABBA song they play in that movie Mamma Mia? The one about 'time slipping through my fingers'?" I nodded, wanting him to explain. "That's how I've felt for several years now. Like everything I've ever wanted has just been slipping through my fingers. It started when I lost you the first time. Continued when I couldn't have kids with my ex-wife. Then it was my marriage falling apart. Everything I've ever truly wanted in this life has slipped through my grasp. I can't have a fling with you and not have you, you know what I'm saying?"
Those blue eyes of his were wet, his voice a little rough. Here he stood, a grown man who rode a Harley, had a beard I desperately wanted to tug on while he kissed me, muscles built over decades of saving people's lives. And he was crying. Pouring his heart out and hoping I wouldn't stomp on it.
So I nodded, my own eyes tearing up, finally willing to accept his offer. "I do know what you're saying. And I'm not slipping through your fingers." I gulped, the tears nearly closing off my throat. "I love you."
His lips were on mine before I’d even finished those three little words, his fingers threading through my hair, holding me close while he pillaged my mouth. The cold disappeared, the heat of us together keeping us toasty in our little corner of the backyard. His body pressed tight to mine, his muscles firm and unyielding, a shelter in the storm. A solid reassurance we'd withstand this. That we'd find our way together.
He pressed kisses to my jaw, my closed eyes, my nose. "I love you so much, Shasta. I think I always have," he whispered between nips at my skin. The declaration felt like a balm, soothing every hurt, every tender spot that still festered.
"I don't know how to do this, but I want you to understand I'm not running away. Know that I will do my best, which will be a disaster, I'm sure, but then you already know that about me." I huffed out a laugh, not sure how many more emotions I could feel all in one moment.
"That's all I ask. And I'll do my best as well. I want to know how to help you, what you need. I want us to build a future together. I want everything with you. And if that scares you, I'm sorry, but I'll always be honest with you." His hands slid down my body, familiarizing my curves, lighting places on fire with each stroke of callused skin over silk.
"Let's do everything then," I whispered, wondering how long it would take to get out of here.
His head shook a quick no, his lips still not leaving my face. "Nah, we'llbeeverything. Just wait and see."
