Page 19 of Christmas Eve Do-Over
9
Shasta
"Just breathe, okay?" Esa was rubbing my back while Hessa held a damn paper bag to my mouth. If I wasn't in the throws of a full-blown panic attack, I would be ashamed that I'd taken the spotlight on the bride and groom's day.
The room finally came back in focus: the hangers and makeup strewn across every available surface, the curling irons left out to cool off, the bags packed for a tropical honeymoon. I looked over at Esa and swatted the bag away from my face.
"I'm so sorry, honey. You should—"
"Be right here with my girl, keeping her from passing out." Esa cut me off and gave me a firm look, which was comical mixed in with her fancy, white wedding dress and hair pinned back in soft waves.
She was the most radiant bride I'd ever seen, and here she was babysitting me while I had my freak-out. She should be downstairs dancing the night away with her new husband.
I looked around at everyone's faces, peering back at me with concern.
A deep sense of shame jabbed me in the gut. This isn't who I wanted to be: having a panic attack on my friend's big day simply because a man loved me and got past my defenses. "I need to unfuck myself," I whispered to no one in particular.
"You can say that again. Not to add insult to injury here, but...what are you thinking??" Brinley was practically shouting at me, her sweet voice echoing loudly in the room, her hands on her hips. If this was the game face she gave her competitors, I never wanted to face her across the volleyball net. She was scary.
"I'm sorry, what?" Maybe I should go back to passing out. They were much nicer to me then. And if I kept feigning ignorance, maybe they wouldn't see what was really going on here and everything could just go back to the way it was.
"Yeah, you should be sorry." Brinley shook her head at me and the shame crawled up my spine. "I never thought I'd see the day, but I gotta tell you, Shasta. I'm disappointed in you."
My breath caught and my eyes filled with tears. Brinley was the closest thing I had to a daughter. I took her under my wing when she was still in high school. I taught her to be strong, how to defend herself, and how to handle living with an abusive father. "Disappointed in you" kept ringing through my head, spreading my self-loathing and making it leak out my eyes.
Brinley kept going, her voice steadier now and the tone kinder, but the words cutting just as sharp. "You preach to all of us about being strong and facing your fears and kicking ass in life. But here you are, with an opportunity of a lifetime. A chance to be loved by a man who's kind and good. And you're so scared you're running away. Did you forget? The only way out is through."
I sucked in a breath, the truth of her words fanning the flame of the fighter inside me, reminding me of what I already knew and had forgotten. When I left my abusive ex-husband, I'd had to fight. For several years to be specific. I didn't run away at all. I'd stood my ground, and I fought him. And I got free of him.
"I think we've all been scared to take that step. To allow someone to take our whole heart. To give them the power to hurt us." Esa smiled softly at me while everyone else nodded in understanding, thinking of their boyfriends and fiancés. "But what you may not know is that the other person gives you their whole heart for safekeeping in return. That's the way it's supposed to work. Your ex didn't do that. He just took yours and stomped on it. But Duke? He's out there handing you his heart for a second time. Twice now he's offered it to you! And you're running away, letting your ex still control you."
I wiped more tears away, needing more than a minute or two to absorb everything. So I diffused the moment with humor. "What is this? Bad cop/good cop?"
The girls chuckled since that truly was the way we operated, but I sobered quickly.
"I hear you. All of you. And I love you for telling it to me straight." I blew out a big breath, shaking my hands out, gearing up for what I had to do, what Ineededto do. "I gotta go make this right."
"Thatta girl!" Bailey cheered me on.
Sage gave me a tight hug, whispering in my ear, "Be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your light. We've got your back, missy."
I pulled back and saw her confident look, the urge to not let her down surging through me. Not wanting to let any of them down.
"You know, this baby would love to have an aunt AND an uncle...just throwing that out there." Hessa had tears running down her round cheeks, a tender smile telling me she loved me. That poor girl needed to have that baby before she became dehydrated from all the tears these last nine months.
"Ah well, no pressure..." I chuckled.
"Now get outta here and go get your silver fox!" Bailey pulled me up and pushed me to the door.
I turned around and surveyed my beautiful girls all together and fancy in their wedding clothes. "I couldn't love you girls any more than I do right now. I'm so proud of each of you."
Then they rushed me and we group hugged and cried just a few moments longer.
"Now get off me! I got a man to catch. And you"—I pointed to Esa—"got a new husband to seduce."
* * *
I was in a rush to find Duke, to take his offered heart and give it a safe place to rest with me, but first, I had to check my makeup in the downstairs bathroom. You don't run after the love of your life with mascara spreading across your cheeks looking like a hot mess. Let that be a life tip for you young ones.
