Page 48 of Barefoot Chaos
"I know, baby. I know you're scared. But I want you to take a moment, okay?" At my frightened nod, he continued. "Close your eyes. I want you to picture Gabe in that hospital bed. How frightened he and his mother must have been. Now picture Ms. Martinez' face when you hand her the check from tonight. See how her eyes light up and the weight is lifted off her shoulders? You did that, Hessa."
Kai gives me a slight shake and I can feel the energy shift. I can feel the scared being tamped down by the joy I'll have doing something that would mean so much to my student. Instead of my failure in the form of a student now in jail, I had the opportunity to do good, to set things right. His words strengthened my resolve and my spine straightened with renewed purpose.
"You are a beautiful, smart, courageous, strong woman. And your students get to see that tonight. Let us see you, Ono. Give us the gift of your music."
Then he leaned down and kissed me lightly. I kept my eyes closed a few moments longer to bottle up this empowered feeling, knowing I'd need it as the night went on. I didn't ever want to lose this feeling right here. That moment when you know you have to do something that scares you to your core, but once it's over, you know you'll never be the same. What was life without risk?
I finally blinked my eyes open, seeing Kai smiling at me like I was all he needed in this world. The white lights above cast a romantic light on a beautiful evening. Waves crashed nearby and the palm trees swayed in the gentle breeze. Perfection.
I gave Kai a saucy wink and headed to my stage.
As I reached up to grab the microphone, with the worst timing ever, my feet sent up a red flag warning. They were dying a thousand deaths in these damn heels and I suddenly understood Kai's dogged determination to remain barefoot no matter the dress code. Tonight, of all nights, was about getting out of my comfort zone so I figured I'd go whole hog. The heels went flying as I kicked them off, and the crowd whistled and hollered, probably wondering what this performance was gearing up to be.
I tilted the mic, placed my fingers on the keyboard, and looked up, putting all thoughts of wardrobe behind me. A sea of faces looked back at me, but all I focused on was Ms. Martinez in the first row, next to Esa and Ivan. I looked to the right and saw Kai seated next to my sister. The full Squad was here, along with a sea of lifeguards who were probably recruited by Kai.
"Welcome friends!" I hollered into the microphone. "I'm Hessa Woodland, an English teacher at Surf City High. We're all here to listen to some great music...let's hope." The crowd laughed right on cue. Self-deprecation was always a crowd pleaser. "We're also here to raise money to help support one of my students who was in an unfortunate accident. So focus your audio, don't be parsimonious, and you can Google what that all means later. Enjoy!"
I launched right into my first cover, making a few errors on the keys, but knowing most wouldn't even notice. And if they did, oh well. I was doing my best. I closed my eyes and melted into the music, losing myself to the words and the melody. I found myself more at home on the stage than I ever thought.
After three songs, I took my fingers off the keys and took a sip of water. Time to rip my heart open and let my guts spill out onto the floor.
"Up until a few months ago, no one, absolutely no one knew that I wrote songs in my spare time. It was a creative release for me. I loved stringing words together and putting them to music. So much of my writing had to be academic, but with songwriting, I could break all the rules. Sing about all the emotions. When I was dared to sing in public, I believe it was meant to be a way to humiliate me. But I won't be shamed about my music any longer. In fact, I wholeheartedly thank the misguided soul who dared me. It was the push I needed to do what I should have done a long time ago." I took a long cleansing breath. "So without further ado, I give you three of my own songs."
I played the opening bars on the keyboard to the first one when my fingers locked up and my heart seized. I couldn't do it. Singing other people's songs was one thing. Singing the songs I wrote from the heart, not thinking at the time that anyone would ever hear them? That was insanity.
I lifted my head and frantically searched out Kai in the crowd. I couldn't find him. His seat was empty.
Abandoned.
My heart dropped, a dead hunk of muscle of no use in my body without my music and my man.
I had one second of sheer terror and profound, crippling loss before the first strum of the ukulele hit my ears. I whipped my head around and saw Kai strolling onto the stage, playing the intro to my song. He had it memorized because I'd written it and gone over it endlessly while we sat on the beach and watched the waves a few weeks ago. It was a song about the ocean and the flow of life. The dichotomy of the frenzy of crashing waves and their calming rhythm to the observer.
My heart kickstarted and my fingers came back to life. I picked up the tune on my keyboard and joined him. His eyes never left my face, his warm smile grounding me and reminding me of what I was really doing here. This was about facing my fears and helping my students. My songs could suck and I'd still survive. But together, we'd finish what I'd started.
I launched into the lyrics, my voice stronger than before, my island boy playing a duet with me, the ocean our backdrop.
I wondered briefly how I got here. Whose life was this? How could so much change in so short a period of time?
Perhaps the answer was in my song: each crazy event of late felt like chaos while I was in it. Waves tumbled rocks, no rhyme or reason to the way they crashed. Sand shifted, shells scraped unsuspecting ankles, and riptides pulled people in. The water splashing, the relentless pounding, and the hiss of the foam dispersing. The ocean waves all perfectly described the chaos of my life at the moment. Yet through a different lens, each wave was just a soothing rhythm that calmed the mind and acted as a balm for the spirit.
So here I was.
Instead of sitting idly by, I was going to jump the waves, splash around, and enjoy the water.
19
Kai
Hessa's performance was epic. Not only did she look and sound like a dream, but you could feel the audience getting into her songs. Her lyrics had a way of pulling you in and relaying a feeling. Some songs were introspective, others were about the great unifying emotion of love.
By the end of her three songs, the crowd jumped to their feet applauding. From my corner of the stage, I sat back and just watched her light up. It was like I could physically see her self-confidence jumping by leaps and bounds as the applause extended out. Her face was split in a radiant smile. She threw kisses to her Beach Squad girls in the first row. She bowed and then came over to me.
I felt like my chest would burst with how proud of her I was. I wasn't a brainiac English teacher, and therefore didn't have the words to express how I felt. So I gave her what I could: my love. I kissed her beautiful red lips, took her hand in mine, and walked her off stage.
I wanted to tell her I loved her, but bit my lip to keep the words from spilling out. This was not the time, nor the place. She deserved to be in the spotlight and I wasn't going to distract her from this moment.
The moment we got to the chairs, people swarmed around her, wanting to congratulate her and talk to her. I got pulled away in the rush and went back to the stage to pack her things up for her. If I couldn't be by her side, I'd be in the background supporting her.
