Page 42 of Beach B!tch
"That's exactly what I was thinking. I'm comfortable with athletic attempts on dry land, but in the middle of the ocean? Not so much. Will you think less of me if I wear a life jacket?" I cringed anticipating his answer.
Dean tilted his head back and let out a huge laugh, followed by his adorable giggle. "Only if you let me take a picture of that. Blackmail, you know."
"Hey! You said you'd support me with this list. Which, if you didn't know, does not include making fun of me or any of the items on my list!" I gave him my most serious face, which had absolutely no effect on getting him to shut down that giggle. In fact, I think it prolonged it. But whatever, I had a life to build. I could handle some good-natured giggling. Plus, hello, that giggle did funny things to my insides.
"Okay, let's move on to number two. Seriously? You're just going to giggle the whole way through this?" Dean swiped at one of his eyes and then did his best to swallow the laughs threatening to escape. I figured that was the best I could hope for, so I continued in a louder voice. "Number two is one of those painting classes with wine."
"What? Why is that scary?" His shock got rid of any trace of residual laughter, so I had something to be grateful for. "Did you have a bad finger painting incident as a kid?"
I rolled my eyes and explained, rather patiently, I might add. "No. But I had an alcoholic for a father, remember? I don't exactly do well with alcohol because of that. But I can't keep letting that affect me. So, I'd like to try my hand at something creative and feel calm about drinking a glass of wine in a social situation. You know, like prove to myself that alcohol isn't evil."
Dean was nodding his head. "Yeah, I see what you mean. You did kind of freak out over the beer I was drinking at Esa and Ivan's place that night. I think you're right to be cautious in situations when people are over-imbibing but just a glass or two shouldn't be cause for concern. Okay, so what's number three?"
"Number three is throwing a party here at my place for all my volleyball friends. And calling them friends is a big stretch, but that's the whole point. I want to be more social with the group since we practice together almost daily. Time for me to be more open and friendlier."
"Nice. Am I invited?" Dean put his arm around me and nibbled on my ear, like that would somehow get him a special invitation.
Okay, fine, it would.
"Stop! I can't think when you do that." I playfully gave him a push.
"Oh, really. You can't think when I'm kissing you? Why is that, Brin?" Dean's eyes were focused on my lips, his lids at half-mast. His hands were starting to roam my body, which was a very good and a very bad thing. It felt ridiculously good, like goose bumps on top of goose bumps, but I wouldn't be able to finish my list if he kept this up. And he really needed to hear number four.
"Number four!" I announced, breaking free from his handsy exploration by leaning forward to write it out. "Have sex with Dean."
"For the first time."
"Ever." I held my breath and waited.
If a spaceship had arrived at my front door and sucked all the air out of the apartment, thus creating a complete vacuum, devoid of all movement and sound, there still would have been more noise than what was going on right now.
I was a total chicken and refused to look at Dean. I was terrified to see the pity or the condescension that was on the faces of my college roommates when they found out I was a virgin. As if even saying the word was too shocking, they would shorten it to just 'V'. As in, don't bother with Brinley, she's a V. Cue the gasp, the dropped jaws and then the laughing as they walked away to greener pastures and looser chastity belts.
The thing is, I wasn't a virgin by choice, whether moral or religious. It was straight up due to circumstance. And if Dean was game, my circumstances were gonna change. Pronto.
Dean
I'd swear there was a buzzing sound taking over my brain. I was trying to process what Brinley had just told me and I was trying to take her admission seriously, but all I could think about was how damn happy I was that she'd not been with anyone else. I'd swear I was a damn caveman the way I was puffing up with pride that she'd chosen me. That she would only know my body.
And then my heart plummeted as I realized I couldn't offer her the same. I'd never regretted any of the girls I'd been with, but now, I felt a sense of loss. I'd given a piece of myself to each of those women, and I just hoped I had enough left to give to Brinley. The one woman who I wanted to give it all to.
Brinley was looking at the far wall, clicking the pen on and off repeatedly, waiting for me to respond.
"Sweetheart, look at me." I waited for her to collect enough confidence to look me in the eye.
"First, I don't think any differently about you because you haven't had sex. If anything, I'm honored that you've chosen me as the one you want to be with. It's pretty uncommon for a twenty-eight-year-old woman to still be a virgin, but there's no shame in that at all. Can you explain to me why you've waited?"
She only looked slightly relieved, but she took a breath and started talking, which was better than her silence before.
"With my childhood, I didn't date, didn't have friends. So I was the weirdo at school. No boy ever gambled their popularity to talk to me, let alone sleep with me. Then in college, I was focused on my volleyball goals and didn't dig the party scene which is where most hook-ups happen. And by then, I was already a weirdo for being a virgin. It was something I never brought up and tried to avoid simply because I was uncomfortable and so far behind in experience. Hell, I still am! You sure you want to deal with all that?"
I grabbed both her arms and pulled her closer, making sure she saw the fire in my eyes and the truth that was behind my words. "I don't know how many times I gotta tell you this, or how many ways you need to hear it, but straight out. I'm. All. In. It's not a sacrifice to take it slow with you and explore what brings you pleasure. I'm so fucking happy that you're letting me in, letting me be with you. Stop doubting how fantastic you are. Remember what Stefan told you? Recognize your worth, sweetheart. Hell, you should be questioning ifI'mgood enough foryou."
Her eyes filled with tears, but she nodded her head. "Okay. I get it. How about we agree that we're both worthy and deserve to be happy together?"
"That is by far, the best thing I've heard all day. Well, except you in a life jacket on a paddle board. That was pretty funny." I smiled at her, fully expecting the playful punch when it came.
Then I remembered what I did to her the other day and all my laughter dried up. The new information on her experience made me rethink everything. Our conversations, why she hesitated or withdrew. Hell, I'd probably freaked her out by throwing her on a table and diving in!
