Page 11 of Beach B!tch
Esa answered, slow and methodical, "I don't know what to say to that, because you won't share anything about yourself. What warning signs are you talking about? Why don't you have time to have a relationship? Brinley, I want to help you, but I don't even feel like I know the real you!"
Bailey nodded in agreement, their kind expressions not doing much to soften the blow.
My heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty, and I felt like an indoor volleyball player at her first beach tournament: completely lost and out of her element. My head was screaming at me to get up and leave. But there was another voice, calm and quiet, that was telling me this was my moment. This was my moment to share a piece of me with good friends. It was time to become a new Brinley, one who would open up to people and let them see all of her.
Panicked thoughts ran through my head. What if they didn't like me? What if they thought I was trash? What if they saw how pathetic I really was?
"Whatever you're thinking in that head of yours...we got you. Do you understand me?" Bailey asked me and both she and Esa reached out and took one of my hands in theirs.
Tears filled my eyes at their kindness and I knew I would do it. I was an adult now. Time to act like it.
My voice dropped to a whisper, and I squeezed their hands tight, making sure they didn't let me go. "My father was an alcoholic and he would sometimes hit me, or forget to buy food for the house, or lock me in my room. I had no friends growing up because I couldn't invite them over or let them see my bruises. He told me I was worthless, even when I was the best in my school in academics or in volleyball. I swore I'd become a professional volleyball player one day and shove it in his face that I was a success despite his abuse. Shasta, along with some volleyball coaches along the way, stepped in and helped me. Because of them, I got a full ride scholarship to USC to play volleyball, and I worked at Strike Ready to support myself. The plan is, when I've become a Pro, I will confront my father one last time, speak my peace, and then walk away for good. So, yeah, I don't have time for a relationship right now, especially one with a guy who drinks and likes to punch people in the face. I will never allow myself to be abused again. If there's even one red flag, I'm out. And there's been two red flags."
I looked up and saw that both Esa and Bailey were staring at me with opposite expressions on their faces. Bailey looked like she wanted to get up and brawl with my father for me, right then and there. Esa looked heartbroken, and a tear had escaped down her cheek. But they were both still holding my hand.
Esa broke the charged silence first by leaning in and wrapping her free arm around my neck. She squeezed me tight and whispered, "Thank you for telling us." She leaned back, her hand still in mine, and told me her story. "I don't pretend to know how that childhood has shaped you. But I do know what abuse feels like and how damaging it can be, even in the short term. I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through all that. Hell, you're still carrying the weight of it. Thank you for telling us about it and letting us help you carry that burden."
"I just need his name. You give me his name, I'll go track him down. I'm not even joking. Any man that treats his daughter like that deserves all I can give him and more. Tell me his name or promise I can be there when you confront him. I have no doubt you'll go pro this year and I will PAY you if it means I can be there when you confront him." Bailey slapped the table top with every other word, her eyes glazing over with the burning hatred I recognized when I looked in the mirror. Something told me she was dead serious.
"We're the Beach Squad, right?" I asked, a slight lift to my mouth as I felt the first deep breath I'd taken since I was a child. The vomit feeling of having to share personal things was leaving my body, thank God.
"Hell yes, we are!" Bailey said with another table smack. Esa vigorously nodded her head.
"I promise you...when I confront him, you will both be by my side. I wouldn't have it any other way." I was now smiling from ear to ear, relishing this new notion of friendship. Of knowing someone was there for you no matter what. Damn, this friendship thing felt good! This must be why people open up to friends. This warmth right here.
We hugged it out, pinky swearing my promise, which I learned was more ironclad than a signed and notarized contract. I'd have to remember that.
It was only as I made it back to Strike Ready for my next class that I realized we never got back to talking about Dean. Oh well, I thought they got my point. I wasn't going there. End of story.
When the gym cleared out and we could sit and enjoy our lunches, Shasta pinned me with her "I mean business" gaze and launched into her mother hen mode.
"You seem better now than you did this morning, but you've been strangely quiet around me the last few days. I wanna know what's going on in that head of yours. Spill, Brinley-girl."
I didn't even attempt to evade or deflect. This woman had known me forever and deserved the truth. I got her up to speed with my encounters with Dean and what happened at the party. She, more than anyone, would understand why I had such a hard line around drinking and violence. Shasta took me under her wing years ago because she recognized the haunted look on my face. From the little she'd told me over the years, she'd endured a nightmare of a marriage when she was in her twenties. She'd escaped that situation, but she'd also never remarried or even dated anyone seriously, instead deciding to live her life on her own terms by opening a self-defense studio geared toward women. I figured she'd be the perfect one to give me advice.
"Oh, sweet girl, you're smart to have firm boundaries, but don't be so quick to judge. If what your friends say is accurate, you may have jumped to conclusions because you were scared. But you're not a helpless, little girl anymore, Brinley. You don't need to be scared." Shasta gripped my hands, imbuing her strength into me. "Keep your eyes wide open...and your heart."
Then she let me go and went back to eating her lunch. As was her way, she'd given impeccable advice, said with love, and then back off to let it all sink in.
All I knew was the three closest friends I had in this life had all told me to give Dean another chance. The question was, would I take their advice or put my head down and plow ahead like I'd always done?
Dean
"Look, I understand you like her, but you need to trust me on this one. Back off. If you want to have any chance with this girl, you gotta step back and give her some room. There's plenty you don't know about her that even I'm just learning about! She's not ready for your full court press flirting." Esa's voice was coming through loud and clear, but it didn't mean I liked what she was saying.
I looked out my truck windshield to the ocean in front of me and took a deep breath to calm myself and think this thing through before I spoke.
"Hello?" Esa asked into the phone.
"Yeah, I'm still here. Just processing what you're saying," I answered her. "Based on how she reacts to me, I guarantee there's attraction there, on her end too. And as much as I hate to agree with you, there's gotta be something going on for her to react so negatively to me with no real reason. So, I promise I'll back off for a bit. But I'm not walking away. Maybe you can convince her I'm not an asshole?"
"I promise nothing. My loyalty is to her, but I'll see what I can do. You owe me one, by the way. I'll let you know when I'm ready to collect." And then she hung up on me.
Jeez, what was up with these women? And what the hell was up with me? I shook my head as I reminded myself I could walk away from all of this. But dammit, something about the hurt, quiet strength I saw in Brinley was impossible to forget.
I'd dated plenty of women who were all too easy to get along with. And honestly, going back to that sounded boring as hell. I firmly believed anything worth having wasn't easy. Life had taught me you always had to work for it.
So I'd take Esa's advice and give Brinley some space...for now. And then I'd work for it. Work for her trust, work for her affection. It would make it so much sweeter when she was mine.
