Page 19 of Sweet Dreams
"I remember saying things like 'Wait, hold on' but he kept going, not hearing me or not caring. He finally stopped, breathing heavily onto the back of my neck, then rolled over and fell backasleep."
"I laid there till the sun came up the next morning, wondering what just happened and why tears were sliding down my face again. That wasn't making love that I knew. It was rough and painful, completely one sided. And I wondered if that was how it was supposed to be. Did I want that? Was I making too big a deal of it? I'm sure I wasn't the first girl who didn't orgasm during sex. Maybe it was worth putting up with, just to keep him by my side. Because just having someone felt better than being alone. I didn't want that. God, anything but beingalone."
"So, the next day I didn't break up with Rylan like I should have. I didn't even talk to him about what happened. I didn't express how I felt disappointed, or how I deserved to be treated better, or the fact that I was unhappy. I just went along with it all. Steamrolled. No backbonewhatsoever."
I had real tears running down my cheeks by this point. I was sad for the girl I used to be. But I could also feel that I wasn't that girl anymore. And I never would beagain.
"He got controlling. He started ridiculing me, tried to change me. Made me feel so horrible about myself. Didn't respect me at all. And the worst part is, I let him. The downward slide of the relationship after that night was easy for everyone to see, but me. The attentiveness turned into possessiveness. The loving kisses turned selfish and demanding. The sweet remarks turned into backhanded compliments to make me act, dress, and speak like he wanted. His hands still touched me, not to give me pleasure, but to grab my belly and tell me I needed to cut down on the sweets. Study sessions degraded into insults of my study habits, grades, and intelligence. I could do no right in his eyes. The scariest thing was that the abuse escalated so subtly over several months, I couldn't even see it. I knew I didn't feel happy, but I didn't see how badly I was being mistreated. It was Bailey who finally stepped in to make me seestraight."
"She managed to get me alone one night and took me to a battered women's shelter to volunteer. As we served food and helped the women find an open bed for the night, I talked to the women about their situations. Imagine my shock when many of their stories started to sound familiar. Their abuse started out with just the insults and lack of respect too, quickly becoming physical in nature. One woman even told me about how she'd been raped her first night living on the streets. She was so thankful for the shelter to keep her safe atnight."
"By the time we left after our shift, I just sat in the car with Bailey and sobbed. The shock of realizing that I was in an abusive relationship warred with this overpowering sense of shame. I didn't even have the good sense to walk away from my abuser when it first started that night when he all but forced himself on me. How could I have thought being alone was worse than being degraded on a dailybasis?"
"Bailey held me while I explained all that was going on in my relationship with Rylan. She didn't say much except that she suspected that was happening and she was there to help me end things. No judgement or wondering how I could have allowed it to happen. I don't think I could have handled her anger on top of the shame and humiliation I already felt formyself."
"I don't know what changed in my mind but as I sat there with Bailey, I decided I was done. Done with crying. Done with feeling bad. Done with being disrespected. Done with having Bailey save me from my own life. That was not who I wanted to be and if I didn't turn things around, I wouldn't recognize my own life. I loved Bailey for always being there for me, but now I needed to be there for me. It was time to grow abackbone."
My hands shook as I recalled the nightmare I lived with for several months. Ivan scooted closer to me and put his hands on mine, steadying me, bringing me back to the present where I was safe. I gripped his hands like alifeline.
"I dumped him immediately. He didn't take it well. It was an ordeal since we went to school together. He kept trying to contact me and I was spending more time dodging him than studying. I had to get a restraining order and then I heard he transferred colleges. Never saw him again. But it took a long time for me to pull myself out of that horrible place he left me. Build myself back up. Decide who I was without his influence. And I swore to get my life together before dating again. I owed it to myself to make my dreams come true before adding someone else to my life. Graduate college, own my chocolate business. I promised myself that I would never compromise myselfagain."
I ended my story, gathered my courage, and looked into his eyes to see his reaction. To my immense relief, I only saw sympathy and respect shining back at me. No revulsion orblame.
Ivan sat and digested my words, never taking his hands from mine. I gave him time to formulate his response, knowing it was a lot to take in. I already knew how much he hated when I talked badly about myself, so I knew he wouldn't like hearing how bad I let it get withJackass.
He finally lifted his head and caught my eyes. "First, thank you for trusting me and telling me what happened to you. I can't wrap my head around him treating you that horribly. That should never have happened. And I'm also grateful that you allowed me to end that five-year pause. That you took a chance on me. Now I know not to take that choice you made lightly. Your story only makes me respect youmore."
He paused and a small grin formed on his face as he stared at me in wonder. "Your parents died, your boyfriend abused you and you had to take it to the legal system to be rid of him, you've started your own thriving business, you're dealing with a stalker. Esa. You're flat out incredible. So incredibly strong, stronger than anyone I've everknown."
Then he pulled me in for a hug, his words seeping in, warming me up from the inside out. Yeah, I was strong. I rarely took the time to recognize that fact, yet here's Ivan, only knowing me a short while and he spotted it. I was used to just having Bailey in my corner, but it was looking more and more like Ivan was in that corner with me too. And even though it was scary to open up, it felt really goodtoo.
We stayed in our extended hug for a long while, just absorbing each other. I felt a million pounds lighter having told him all that happened, like an invisible weight had been lifted off my chest and I was finally freeagain.
I pulled back from the hug. “All right my hottie lifeguard, you ready to move on to happier topics?" I asked him, smiling. He smiled right back, let me go, and up westood.
I helped him clean up the kitchen and then we went into his living room to snuggle on the couch with the TV on. Ivan pulled a blanket over us as we sat with our feet up on the ottoman. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me flush against him. His other arm rested on my stomach. We watched news for a few minutes before Ivan moved his hand under my shirt to stroke my skin and asked, "Do we really want to watch the news?" His eyes were on my lips so I could guess what he wanted to do instead. Thankfully that aligned perfectly with what I wanted to dotoo.
I reached up to grab his hair at the back of his head, pulled him the last two inches into me, and ran my tongue along his lips before he opened up and I took the kiss further. Then I teased him by backing off and just nipping at his bottom lip. "Mmm, I love this more assertive side of you," Ivan whispered against my lips, his curving up into asmile.
"I think I do too.” I lifted a leg and climbed up onto his lap, straddling his hips so I could snuggle in closer. "I feel safe with you, Ivan," I said looking into his eyes. His warmed by shifting into a deeper blue, his arms tightening aroundme.
"Always safe with me, baby. I gotyou.”
I realized then that I would do just about anything for this guy. He was saying and doing all the right things to calm my bruised heart. I was beginning to rely on him so much, and we'd just met a few days ago! I already trusted him in a way I'd never trusted Jackass. I knew Ivan wouldn't hurt me. In fact, I knew he'd go way above and beyond to make sure I never got hurt. To finally have someone I could trust and rely on to always be there for me, well, that was what I'd dreamed about but didn't think actuallyexisted.
I placed both hands on his face, looked him right in the eye and said, "I know you do, babe." And then I kissed him. Everything I was feeling went into that kiss. I wasn't thinking anymore, this was all feeling, all heat of the moment. I pressed as close as I could get to him, my hips bucking without my awareness. My tongue tangled with his as we both fought to get as close as possible to each other. I was burning up inside and only Ivan could providerelief.
Ivan reached down to grab the bottom of my shirt and whip it over my head, dislodging my hands from his face. Any second without contact with his skin seemed too much. I threw my hands back onto his shoulders to get back to feeling his warmth. Then I slid my hands down his back and lifted his shirt up and off. My hands moved all over his torso, touching as much of him as Icould.
Skin. I wanted all his skin pressed to myskin.
Ivan reached around and undid the clasp of my bra. Then he used his fingers to trace a path, removing my bra straps. Down my shoulders, down my arms, the cups slipping off my breasts. His head soon followed, warm kisses sprinkled over my collarbone, my shoulder, around each of my breasts. Then he lifted me up and latched onto my nipple, causing me to reach up and hold his head to my breast. The way he flicked my nipple with his tongue made me squirm on his lap, wanting more but not wanting to move oneither.
The room was quiet except for the television on low in the background and our groans and my gasps. Suddenly, Ivan flipped me to the right, onto my back on the couch. He adjusted so his hips were resting between my spread legs. His lips found my other nipple and gave it the same attention. I couldn't help but rub up on him as I felt his arousal press into me. I heard a mewling noise and somewhere in the back of my brain I thought he had a pet, then realized it was me making those noises, completely out ofcontrol.
I flushed as I thought about how easily I could come right now. Just his mouth on my nipple and dry humping his jeans. It had been a long time since something other than my vibrator had made me come. And even before that, all two of my previous sexual partners had been seriously lacking, if this experience was anything to goby.
Ivan left my nipples and reached down to unzip my pants, lowering them down my legs and then off entirely. As I laid there on his sofa in nothing but my blue, lacy underwear, Ivan sat back on his legs to admire the view. I resisted the urge to cover up or apologize for my body. I wouldn’t bring that into this relationship. I promised myself then and there to allow him some control in our relationship. I needed to show him, and me, that I trustedhim.
