Page 13 of Sweet Dreams
"It took me a long time to get over the guilt. Hell, I'm probably still not over it. Telling her parents what happened. Telling the police. The rumors at school. It was a freak accident, but I still felt one hundred percent responsible. The 'what-ifs' just about killed me. What if I hadn't led her away from the group? What if we didn't start fighting? What if I went with her into the water?" Ivan continued. His eyes looked haunted and so verysad.
"Leaving for college was a relief. I could get away from all the people that knew, the place where it happened. I worked through the grief to realize that even though I wasn't in love with her, her loss meant something. It changed how I see life, it changed my career path. It made me who I am right now and I'm so damn grateful for her. So, I save lives for a living now, and one day I hope to have saved enough that it makes up for hers," he ended with a falsebrightness.
I knew there wasn't much I could to say back to make him feel any better, so I lifted up, turned fully into him, wrapped him up in my arms, and squeezed tight. Maybe all my sympathy could filter through to him and ease his hurt. I was honored that he told me his story and now I understood why he was so strict with his diet and training. It was all part of being the best damn lifeguard he could be because it would honor Megan'smemory.
But what I did know was that he'd never be able to save enough lives to assuage his guilt over her death. Grief and guilt just didn't work like that. He'd need to work through that shit in his head sooner rather than later. I didn't harbor any guilt over my parents’ death, but I knew grief on a first name basis. If I could help Ivan, if he'd let me do that for him, I'd jump at thechance.
Ivan turned his head and kissed my cheek. I pulled back so I could see his eyes. They had cleared, so I knew he was coming out of his story. He reached up and used his thumb to wipe the tears from the corner of myeyes.
"I didn't mean to make you cry, baby. I'm okay, I promise. But I'm glad you know," Ivan said with a smallsmile.
"Is that why you freaked out earlier today? About my shop being vandalized? You know you couldn't have stopped that, right?" I askedsoftly.
Ivan ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath. "I know I couldn't have stopped it, but I still never could have forgiven myself if something happened to you and I wasn't there to protect you. I was too late to help Megan, but I won't be too late everagain."
"Ivan, that's noble of you, but I don't expect you to be my protector. That's not your job. That's not your responsibility. Can you seethat?"
"I don't know. Seems like, as someone who cares for you, it IS my job." Ivan paused. "We may have to agree to disagree on thisone."
"I can let it go for now, but let it be noted that I disagree, huh?" I gently teased. "Maybe lay here with me? You don't need to sleep on the couch. I'd rather have you here with me," I asked, hopeful we could lighten the mood and find something we did agreeon.
"A beautiful woman wants you in her bed, you don't ask questions." Ivan tossed an inordinate amount of pillows off the bed. "Climb in, woman." The boy looked downright enthusiastic as he whipped the covers back. I'm glad I could distract him from being sad. He was such a happy, positive person normally, hearing how upset he was in high school was hard to takein.
We wiggled under the sheets and he wrapped us up facing each other on our sides. He reached down and lifted my top leg onto his hip, placing our pelvises in very close proximity. My heart rate kicked up a notch at the intimate contact. I placed my hand on his chest as he looked at me and said, "I promise not to push things further than you want to go, Esa. You can trust me and I'll prove it to you by respecting your boundaries. When you're ready to be with me fully, just give me a signal, huh?" Ivan went from serious to silly bringing a smile to my face. "Maybe a bird call...can you make any bird noises? No? Okay, how about you wink at me twice? Let me see you doit."
I started laughing at the bird call suggestion. The winking I could do, which I demonstrated to hissatisfaction.
"I love your laugh. I think my new life goal, along with kicking ass out in the water saving lives, is to get you to laugh every single day. You up for it?" Ivan askedsweetly.
"Oh, I'm up for it. I bet I'll find all kinds of reasons to laugh with you and Bailey around tag teaming me. Speaking of which, I need to text her real quick about you being here so she doesn't freak when she gets home from work. Do you mind?" I asked while reaching backward for my phone on the bed sidetable.
"Mmm." Ivan let out an appreciativemoan.
"What are you-" I started to ask. Then I saw he was checking me out as I stretched out to get my phone. Sounded like he enjoyed the view. I sent him an air kiss, arched my back, and pushed the girls out a little more just for his benefit, while I began to textBailey.
"You're killing me, woman. In bed together, a thin excuse for a shirt on, and you're posing for me," Ivan said with an intense look on his face. He looked ready to pounce. He stroked the length of my thigh with his calloused hand as I finished up mytext.
Crazy thing is, I felt perfectly safe with him. I knew he wouldn't cross any lines unless I told him he could. I don't know how I was trusting him like this after only a couple days, but it felt good and I wouldn’t question it unless I saw a red flag. Though I would like to have Bailey spend some time around him. I'd ignored her opinion when it came to Jackass. I wouldn't do that this timearound.
"Think you could add 'kissing in bed' to that list and still control yourself, hottie lifeguard?" I suggested with a coysmile.
"Hottie Lifeguard, huh? I like that," Ivan growled before pulling me back into his body. I'm not even sure where my phone went, but I didn't particularly care at that point. I was flush against his hard body, feeling every muscle up close and personal. His tongue was exploring my mouth, and he had my hair fisted in one hand. He rolled so I was under him and his other hand began to explore my waist, my hip, and then around to grab my ass over my pajama pants. This pushed my hips into his and I felt his hardness press into my belly. Delicious tingles ran through my body and I couldn't help but rub up against him, seeking more. It was like my body was waking up and it was in a frenzy, wanting morecontact.
Ivan groaned, "Jesus, Esa" before attacking my mouth and thrusting his tongue like I wished he would with his hips. I let my hands do some exploring of his back and then I grabbed onto his ass with both hands trying to grind up into him even more. The boy didn't forget leg day at the gym. That was some nice, tight muscle backthere.
This went on for a while, legs, arms, and tongues tangling, the heat in the room rising. Ivan abruptly let go of me, rolled off, and jumped out of bed. I was still trying to get air back in my lungs, wondering where he went and why the hell he wasn't still on top of me. He stood by the bed, half turned away from me. The front of his pajama pants was tented out, so I knew he was into our make out session, but I wasn't sure why he put a stop toit.
"I gotta send a few texts, baby, then I'll come back to bed. Why don't you try to get some sleep, okay?" he said, still out of breath, but not looking me in the eye. Then he spun around, grabbed his phone out of his bag, and walked out of mybedroom.
I wasn't sure what just happened. Twice now it'd gotten hot and heavy and he'd abruptly disengaged. Was I doing somethingwrong?
I turned over to my side, brought my knees up, and tried to reason out what happened. I didn't come to any conclusions. I just knew my stomach was knotted with worry. I decided to stay awake and wait for him to come back to bed so I could talk to him. It was a great idea, except I didn't anticipate how exhausted I was from the events of theday.
One minute I was laying in my bed looking at my huge portrait of the pier on the wall that I could still see even without the lights on, the next, I'm waking up with what has to be night sweats. Which would be a major bummer, seeing as how I'm working my way out of a five-year sexual freeze and I had hoped for at least a few good, active years before something crazy like menopause put a damper on my plans yetagain.
Then I woke up a bit more and realized my hot flash had a name: Ivan. He was pressed up to my back with an arm thrown over me and his leg was tangled with mine. I looked up at my clock and realized it was three in the morning. I guess that conversation I was hoping for wouldn’t happen, but I was happy he was at least back in bed with me. I wiggled back into a comfortable spot against Ivan, promised myself I'd confront him tomorrow, and fell backasleep.
I woke up again with what felt like twenty kisses peppering my face in rapid-fire succession. I slowly opened my eyes to a dark bedroom and a smiling Ivan propped on his elbow above me. "Hey, sleepyhead. You going to wake up so we can go to the gym before work?" he asked sweetly. His eyes were already bright and awake, but his bed head was adorablyrumpled.
