Page 61 of Where We Found Our Home
“So what was your plan exactly? You get farther away from us and then what? What would you have done if he found you here?”
“My plan was to fly under the radar here, alone. That way either he wouldn’t find me or he would and he would just kill me and you’d be safe because you were far enough away that you couldn’t stop him. He didn’t really care about hurting any of you, so long as you stayed out of his way. You’re plenty out of the way with me here and you there. Then everyone could move on with their lives.”
“Just that easy, huh?” I can feel the anger and hurt in Simone’s voice. “You think you’d die and we’d just move on with our lives? Like we don’t love you with our entire souls? Like a part of us wouldn’t die when you did? Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“Calm down, Simone,” Brittany pleads.
She brushes her off and whirls on me. I’ve earned her resentment, so I welcome it like an old friend. “No, fuck that. No one asked you to be a goddam martyr, Ci. We are a team. We have always been a team. You are not the only one in this weird-ass sisterhood willing to risk her life to protect the ones she cares about, and I don’t appreciate you taking away our choice to make whatever sacrifices we want.”
Well, shit. I feel like a child who was just reprimanded by a parent, but I deserve it. I’ve been so obsessed with having some semblance of control over something in my life—because I didn’t have it anywhere else—that I took away theirs in the process. I’ve been plagued by the guilt I would feel if something happened to them. I didn’t even consider the guilt they would have to live with if I died and they found out what I had kept from them.
I thought it would be selfish of me to ask for love and acceptance when what I was going through could threaten to bring them all down with me. But the real selfishness is cutting off the ones who have always loved me unconditionally and leaving them to figure out why.
“Okay. I’d like to amend my statement.”
“Well, get to amending, bitch,” Simone demands with a weak laugh, trying to mask her hurt.
“I’m not sorry for moving here, because I’ve found people who I cannot imagine my life without. I can’t bring myself to be sorry for that. But you guys were my family first, and I will always love you. I’m sorry for the way I’ve handled things, and I promise to do better.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“Aww, yay. I was worried Simone was going to kill you herself for a minute there.” Sarah claps as she brings us in for a group hug.
“Yeah, it was getting dicey there for a minute. I know we always said we’d be there for each other if we ever had to bury a body, but I was not prepared to actually follow through on that.” Brittany chuckles as she joins the hug.
“Yeah, and I was gonna feel guilty for cutting your life short when you were finally getting consistent dick,” Simone says as she wipes away a tear and lets out a genuine laugh.
“I’m so glad we can joke about my impending death now.” Sarah slaps my arm. I motion for Sasha and Nina to join the group hug, and the ladies welcome them with open arms.
“Okay, but for real, what’s our plan if his bitch ass really is here in town?” Nina asks. With that question, reality comes crashing back down on us. Because what is the fucking plan? I sure as hell don’t have one.
The ladies have all decided to spend the day shopping while I’ve decided to spend some quality time with my mom. Being raised by a single mom wasn’t always easy, but I never wanted for anything because of that woman. She’s my rock, and I didn’t realize how much I missed having her nearby to draw strength from until she was here visiting.
“You’re too much like me,” she says after our lunch entrees are set in front of us.
I take a huge bite of my burger and chew before I even bother to respond. “Is that a bad thing?”
“In this case it is. Because you always feel like you have to take care of everything by yourself,” she says, taking a more ladylike bite of her chicken sandwich than I would have.
I don’t even know what to do with that statement. Growing up, my mom did everything for us. She didn’t have anyone she could call on. She worked relentlessly every night to put food on our table but still managed to be at every dance recital, every parents’ day at school, every game. I was never one to ask for overly expensive Christmas gifts, but what I did ask for, I always got. She made that happen. Her. By herself. When I needed a shoulder to cry on over the first boy to break my heart and every idiot after that, she was the one to put me back together. When I needed help with homework or life advice, she was always there for me. She single-handedly shaped me into the woman I am today, and I’m just trying to be a quarter of the woman she is. “I mean, Mom, you literally had to take care of everything by yourself.”
“But you don’t. You have a support system. Use them.”
“I’m trying.”
“I was a one-woman show because I didn’t have any other options. If I’d had a support system I would’ve used it. Don’t put me on some unattainable pedestal. The same strength I have inside of me, you have inside of you. Never forget that.” She takes a brief pause, and it’s a good thing she keeps going because I’m about to start sobbing uncontrollably at this table. “I like Lincoln. He’s a nice boy.”
That brings a smile to my face. “I like him too.”
“Do you love him?” I almost spit out my drink. I was not expecting that question.
“Umm. It’s just too early to think that way.”
She tilts her head and wrinkles her brows. “I didn’t ask that. I asked if you love him.”
I cannot even go there with her right now. Leave it to my mom to force me to have a conversation with her that I haven’t even had with myself or Lincoln yet. “Umm, well. I, umm. I just don’t think we’re ready to say—”
“Ciara,” she cuts me off. “Don’t talk in circles. I know your deflection game. Spit it out.”
