Page 32 of Where We Found Our Home
“You didn’t bring him into your life, though. This all started as a random accident. And even if you had known Eddie on a personal level before this all started, you in no way deserved for any of this to happen.”
“He chose me for a reason. I just wish I knew what it was.”
She shakes her head vehemently. “You can’t dive into the mental psyche of someone else. You can only focus on yourself.” That’s exactly what I need to do though. I dive into the psyche of murderers and criminals for the sake of entertainment. Yet I can’t see into the psyche of my own tormentor.
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Tell me about the nightmares. Are you still having them?”
“Not as frequently,” I lie. Why did I lie? I told myself I wouldn’t do that during my sessions since I’m lying to everyone else, but here I am. “They um, actually changed a bit.”
“How so?”
“Well, it still starts with the morning of the stabbing. And sometimes I still see my mom, or Brittany, or Sarah, or Simone staring back at me when I turn the body over, but now sometimes it’ll be Lincoln I see. Sometimes it’s his sister Sasha, or his niece Nevaeh, or my friend/boss, Nina, too. But Lincoln’s always the worst. It’s always the most gruesome when I see him.”
“I see. Who is Lincoln?”
I dive into the mystery that is Lincoln and tell her all about him and the circle of friends I’ve reluctantly built here.
“So why do you think Lincoln’s is the most brutal?”
Because my feelings for him are on a level I am in no way prepared for.Shut up. “I really don’t know. I actually called him after the nightmare I had last night.”
“Seeking comfort?”
“I guess. And also I thought someone was in my apartment after I woke up, but I confirmed there wasn’t on my own.”
“And what did Lincoln say or do?”
He became the hero I needed and refused to have all in the same breath.“He offered to come over but when I insisted I was fine, he stayed on the phone with me until I went back to sleep.”
“Do your feelings for Lincoln make you uncomfortable?”
Get out of my head, Dr. Goodwin. I mean, I know I literally pay you to get inside my head, but I want you out right now.
“Who said I have feelings for him?”
“Do you?”
“Ugh, yes.”
“But you’re not ready to explore them.”
“You said that like a statement, not a question, so should I answer?”
Her lips purse into a line, and I feel bad for snapping, but I know she doesn’t take it personally. “You have to do what feels right to you, but I would encourage you not to put yourself in isolation, because that’s what Eddie wants you to do. You’ve built a circle of friends in your new city that seem to genuinely care about you, and your friends and family back here are in your corner. I know you want to protect everyone but your head and your heart are in battle over it, and you need your full strength to conquer the real battle.”
She’s got that right. My head and my heart are in full out war with each other, and my soul is losing because of it.
I’m in a funk after today’s therapy session, and I don’t want to talk to anyone, but Sasha’s name flashes on my screen and I force myself to answer.
“Hello.”
“Ciara, it’s Nevaeh!” My smile immediately grows tenfold. I guess the universe sensed I needed a pick-me-up in the form of a tiny caramel diva.
“Well, hello, cutie. What are you doing with your mommy’s phone?”
“I borrowed it to watch YouTube.”
