Page 19 of Where We Found Our Home
This can’t be fucking happening.
“Erica!” I yell, heading straight for the bedroom. When I open the bedroom door, Erica has her back to me. She’s packing, but I know she heard me come in because her back is stiff as a board. “Erica.” As if my voice jolted her back to reality, her posture relaxes, but she continues packing without acknowledging me. I move closer to her and reach out to touch her arm, but she shrugs away from me. Fuck, that hurts. “Erica, come on. Please. Talk to me.”
“I think we’ve done enough talking, Linc,” she rasps. She’s trying to keep her voice calm, but I can hear the emotion behind her words. Maybe I haven’t lost the fight yet.
“We haven’t finished talking, babe. This isn’t fair and you know it.”
She turns and glares at me, and I know that was the wrong thing to say.
“No. What isn’t fair is that you love your job more than you love me.”
“That’s not true.”
She scoffs. “Isn’t it? Jesus, Linc. You almost died five weeks ago. Do you know how terrifying that was for me?”
For her? I know it was terrifying for her, but I was the one it happened to. I know I made the choice to do this for a living, but did she think it was easy for me to run into danger and think I may never see her again?
“I’m a fucking firefighter. It’s not the first time I’ve almost died and it won’t be the last.” I take a deep breath because I know I shouldn’t be irritated with her.
“Exactly! You want us to get married and start a family, but you really expect me to want to do that when I have to wonder every time you walk out that door if it will be your last time?”
Fuck.
“This job is all I’ve ever wanted to do. I’ve been on the crew since I was eighteen, and you knew this when you met me and now what? You want me to quit and find a desk job somewhere?”
She rolls her eyes, but a tear falls out too. I reach out to wipe it off her cheek, but she moves away from me again. I am really losing her.
“Don’t be so dramatic. I’m not saying a desk job. I know you’d go crazy with that.” I absolutely would. “But damn, Linc. I mean, would it be so bad to go work in construction with your dad? Something that’s not life or death all the time?”
“It’s not life or death all the time.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now? I’m sitting here telling you I’m unhappy, and you’re just worried about defending your job?” I mean she’s right. I should be groveling, telling her I know being with a man in my profession isn’t easy but begging her to love me anyway.
But I just…can’t. The words are not coming. Everything is coming out wrong.
“So you’re unhappy with me in general now? It’s not just the job?” See? Wrong. All wrong.
Erica crosses her arms, and the look she levels me with cuts me to the quick. “Unbelievable. I just want you to choose me.”
Turn this around, Linc. Open your damn mouth and fix this. “I love you. I chose you the day I met you. I want to marry you. I want to watch you walk toward me in your white dress. I want to buy the house we love and fill it with little Ericas and Lincolns.” Her gaze softens a bit but it still looks guarded, and I pray that what I’m about to say won’t send the wall sky high. “It’s just…I want to have all that and my dream job too. Erica, I’d never ask you to give up your dream job for me. I would support you no matter what. And I know you’ve been supporting me all this time, but I’m begging you to just stick by me. I’ll put my hat in the ring for a promotion. Eventually, when I get to be Chief I won’t be out in the field as much. I’ll hate that. But I’ll do that. For you. But I cannot leave the force. I can’t, babe. These guys are my family. AFD is my home.”
Erica looks away from me, and when her eyes find me again I know it’s over. She looks…defeated.
“That’s the problem, Linc. They’re your family. I’m nothing.”
“You are not nothing. You’re everything.”
“I can’t do this anymore.” My chest aches. My heart is about to walk out the door, and I can’t bring myself to say the one thing that will make her stay. What does that say about me?
“Don’t do this. Please.”
“I’m tired, Linc. Go. Have your family. But you can count me out. I won’t stick around and wait for you to die some hero’s death. Fuck that.” She puts one more shirt in her suitcase and then zips it shut. “You say you love me and that may be true, but you love being a hero even more. I hope when you look back at your life you’re happy with the choices you made. I hope your uniform keeps you warm at night because you will never love any woman enough to truly put her first, and no woman will ever love coming second to a goddamn engine.”
If her goal was to completely destroy me, she’s doing a bang-up job.
My heart tells me to try one more time, but is she right? I thought I could have it all. The woman of my dreams and my dream job. But I was too damn blind to see it was all falling apart right in front of me.
“Don’t do this to us. Please don’t make me choose.”
