Page 63 of Flyboy's Nightingale
“Yes, you can have more!” I smile wide at her, giving her another one.
“Ank you,” she garbles around the puff.
“Alright, what do we want to do while we wait for Momma and Daddy to get out of their meeting?” I ask her, leaning on my elbows in front of her.
“BluBlu!” she shouts, throwing her hands in the air, forgetting about her cheese puff.
Wrinkling my brow because I’m not sure what she’s talking about, I say, “You’re going to have to help me with that, little one.”
“BluBlu on TVD!” she shouts, standing on the counter.
Reaching up, I grab her before she falls. Placing her on my hip, I take her over to the sink to wash her hands. Once we have all the cheese dust washed off, I go to the fridge and grab her juice cup. When I make it out of the kitchen, I see several brothers are hanging around playing pool and video games. With the space occupied, I decide to make my way to mine and Flyboy’s room to hang with this sweet girl. I’ll give Razor and Edge a little break from the mini tornado since we’re on lockdown still.
When I make it into the bedroom, I grab the remote and sit on the bed with Starla in my lap. “Alright, let's see if we can figure out what BluBlu is.”
It takes about five minutes for me to figure out she’s wanting to watch Bluey. I turn it on, and for the first episode we dance and laugh. By the third, she’s passed out in my lap. I lay her down on the bed and collapse on the bed beside her to make sure she doesn’t fall off the bed. I don’t get through a whole episode before I pass out.
The feeling of someone running their fingers across my face wakes me from sleep. Reaching out for the tiny body that’s supposed to be beside me, my heart drops when I find it empty. I bolt upright in the bed, panic washing over me as I search wildly for Starla.
“Hey, hey. Edge came and got her about thirty minutes ago.” Flyboy has a hold of my upper arms. “Riley, baby, breathe. Edge already came and got Starla.”
I suck in a large gulp of air before leaning into Flyboy. “Holy hell. I thought I had lost her. This is why I’m not cut out to be a mom.”
Flyboy runs his hand down the back of my head, laughing. “You’re kiddin’ me right?”
“No, I’m not! I literally just almost lost a toddler because I passed out like a damn idiot!” I snap, not understanding why he doesn’t get it.
“First of all, anyone who has had kids, or has hung out with kids, has napped with them. Second of all, the fact that you reached for her in your sleep and went straight to looking for her when she wasn’t there, means you’d make an amazing mother,” Flyboys says as he kisses my neck.
Shaking my head, I try not to fall into the lust that’s always simmering under the surface. Flyboy runs his right hand up my thigh leaving a trail of gooseflesh behind it. My knees part on their own accord pulling me further into the fiery need. I fight to keep a clear mind knowing that we need to have this conversation. This man needs to know that I’m not able to give him what he’s talking about.
“Second, the thought of you growing with our baby makes all the dreams I’ve been too scared to have possible. I didn’t have the best life starting out. So I ran right into the arms of Uncle Sam who then threw me away when I was no longer needed. I fell into Hell’s Sacrifice never imagining I could have it all. Only the universe had other plans and made sure that I wouldn’t be able to deny its plan.” His words create small cuts to my soul.
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I can’t give you all of that.” I take a ragged breath to try and stop the tears. “I’ve been told by more than one doctor that kids are out of the question for me. I want with every fiber of myself to give you it all. My body just can’t do it and if by some miracle that it happens it could kill me.”
The true realization of it causes a sob to tear from me. Flyboy sits back watching me with a look of pure shock and disbelief written on his face. Unable to look at him any longer I burymy face in my hands letting the emotions and tragedy of the truth pour out. Strong arms wrap around me pulling me into the strongest and fiercest hug I’ve had since my dad lost his shit after my momma died.
“Please don’t cry. Your tears tear at my soul,” Flyboy whispers into my hair.
I don’t try to speak, I just let the emotions continue to rise within me, finally processing the true pain of never being able to have my own children. We sit wrapped in each other until I no longer have any tears left to cry. Finally feeling like I have enough control of my emotions to continue our conversation, I pull out of Flyboy’s embrace.
“I know I’ve put myself in this position. I’ve practically begged you to be with me, and now, here I am telling you that I can’t be the person you want or need. I’ve been enamored with you, never imagining the day that you would actually take a chance on this,” I blurt out before he can say anything in response.
I stand from the bed needing to put some space between us as I figure out how to tell this man what’s going on in my head. “It’s more than being enamored with you. I’ve loved you more than what is considered to be sane since the night you invited me to drinks after our first catastrophic loss in the E.R. I was able to hide it by keeping it buried deep inside, not letting it come out to the surface and ruin our friendship. That is until the night they rolled you into the E.R., barely hanging onto life. Now, here we are so close to that forever I desperately wanted, and yet, I can’t be the woman to give you that.”
Flyboy jumps up, his face tinged with fear. “Riley, what the hell are you talking about? Would you please just stop and let me speak?”
I take two steps away from him at his quick movements, unable to stop the knee-jerk reaction at having a large, upsetman move hastily toward me. I drop my eyes to the floor in submission, allowing my hair to fall like a curtain over my face, hiding behind it as I begin to shake in fear, and dreading the broken heart that is sure to come, the organ already beginning to shrivel up in my chest from the thought of losing him. Refusing to allow my lungs to accept any oxygen by holding my breath, I anxiously wait for Flyboy to shatter me into a million pieces.
He reaches out, gripping my chin and tilting my head upward. I refuse to move my eyes away from the floor, too afraid of what I’ll find in his eyes. As we stand there, the air around us grows tense with our combined fear.
“Eyes on mine Riley.” The rumble of Flyboy’s voice brooks no room for argument, causing my eyes to snap up to meet his.
For the first time, I can’t read the emotions in his eyes. I go to take a step back from him, feeling like a small animal caught in a trap. Flyboy says nothing, just gives me a small shake of his head. The hold on my chin releases as his thumb brushes over my jaw and up into my hair, landing at the base of my scalp. I stand there, trapped in the snare of this man’s fiery look.
“I’m not a good man. I’ve done things that have left stains so dark on my soul, the devil himself wants nothing to do with me. I am not the prince or hero in your story, Riles. There will never be a moment that I deserve you.” Flyboy steps up so his mouth hovers so close to mine that I can feel the heat of his breath on my lips, yet we’re not touching. “The thing is, I know this, and I’m too much of a self-centered asshole to let you go and allow you to have the life you deserve. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
Do I understand what this man is telling me? I know that I don’t want him to give me up. I know that this man is not the monster he believes himself to be. He might be an ass on occasion, but behind that mask is a man that’ll fight, even after death, for the ones he loves.
