Page 3 of The Viscount in her Bedroom
Victoria was holding her hand so tightly it was almost painful.
From the other side, Meriel spoke in a low, tight voice. “Did a man…hurt you?”
She shook her head quickly. “Only my feelings. I resigned my position before things could become worse. Lady Ralston’s grandsons and nephews regularly approached with lascivious invitations, as if I would be glad to accept whatever they offered me. I learned to pretend shyness to keep away from them, and I even learned to disguise my features.”
“I had to do that,” Meriel said grimly. “After my first employer’s wife became too jealous—for no reason, I might add! Before we married, I even thought my husband was a predatory man. Because of Father, I had begun to believe that all men lied to women, but it’s not true.”
Louisa thought of the last time she’d seen her father, when she’d sat alone with him in his study one dark evening. He hadn’t wanted to talk, as he usually did. He’d only seemed distant and sad. And then the next night he’d killed himself, leaving his daughters and wife penniless. Victoria had been shocked and confused, Meriel angry and bitter, but Louisa had felt…sorry for Father. She still bore a terrible guilt that she should have seen his despair.
But even that tragedy did not make her feel badly toward men. It took learning the vulnerability of being a companion to do that.
“I still couldn’t trust Richard,” Meriel said with a sigh. “I was careful from then on, just like you, Lou.”
“I guess I wasn’t careful enough,” Louisa continued. “They had a house party one weekend, and the men kept trying to corner me alone. Never before had I felt so lost—even the women looked on me with disapproval, as if the men’s behavior was my fault. I was hurt and humiliated, and I finally had to leave Lady Ralston’s employ.” She blinked back tears. “I feel like I abandoned her.”
Victoria put her arm around Louisa’s shoulders and hugged her. “Don’t feel that way. You had to protect yourself. And now you’re staying here with me, where you can meet nice men and have a good life.”
“Victoria, don’t take this the wrong way, but I thought I’d be happy here.” Her voice trailed off in a whisper.
“You’re not?”
At Victoria’s crushed expression, Louisa felt like the worst sister in the world. “Of course I’m happy!”
“But you’re not, not really,” Meriel said thoughtfully. “I had thought I noticed something when I arrived, but I couldn’t quite understand what I was feeling.”
“These strange feelings have nothing to do with you, Vic,” Louisa said, her voice earnest. “It’s me. I thought being back in London, with all my old friends, would solve my problems. But things didn’t go back to the way they used to be. When we became poor, the women I thought of as my friends deserted me.”
“We all experienced that,” Meriel said, her face grim.
“But I’ve introduced you to new people,” Victoria said.
“Yes, and they’ve been wonderful. But I’ve been so…restless and distracted.”
“And we’ve been too busy with our own lives to notice your distress,” Meriel said.
“No, oh please don’t think that. I’ve been so happy for you both. It has been a relief for me to meet the two good men you married, to know that there really are heroes in the world.”
“Surely the men you’ve met since you’ve been back in London have been kind,” Victoria ventured hesitantly.
“Of course. And because of your husband generously insisting that I accept a dowry from him, I’ve even had two marriage proposals.”
Her sisters gasped but held their silence.
“But I couldn’t seriously consider them. I didn’t love them, and I knew it was only the money they were after.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Victoria asked softly.
“Because I’m embarrassed!” she said, getting to her feet and beginning to pace. The cold, stone bench had made her body as numb as her heart had been feeling. “They wanted me for the dowry money, but I was once just like them. I thought money was important to my happiness, too. And then when Papa died—”
“Killed himself,” Meriel said sadly. “We can’t let ourselves forget what he—”
“Do you think we can forget?” Louisa cried in a soft voice, whirling to face them. They stared at her in shock, but she could no longer hide from them. “His death changed everything about each of us, and I didn’t like what was revealed about me. I had thought Society was all that mattered. I loved having women friends and male admirers, and the dinners and balls that went along with all of it. When the money and the friends went away, I realized how shallow it all was, that I only truly had my family.”
When Victoria tried to hide the fact that she was wiping away tears, Louisa groaned. She didn’t dare tell her sister that she’d even felt in the way of her new marriage.
“Now you see why I didn’t talk to you both about this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I didn’t want to hurt you. I only know that when I was helping Lady Ralston and her granddaughter, I found the first true peace I’d ever known. I had a purpose, and I don’t have one here. I sometimes feel so old, so useless.”
They enfolded her in hugs, and she welcomed their comfort.
