Page 60 of Needing Your Love
Chapter 24
Jimmy
Sutton texted to check on me. Again.
Tossing my cell onto the mattress beside me, I stared up at my rented room’s ceiling, thankful as fuck the Coles had soundproofed the walls at The Moose’s Muse. Silence surrounded me, same as it had Thursday when I’d returned from Dig-In and lost my shit.
I had cried myself dry, my nose a runny mess, my screams muffled by the pillow beneath my head. My reaction to Kurt at the diner had embarrassed the fuck out of me. Revealed to every single person in Pippen Creek’s diner how broken I was inside.
I couldn’t imagine the gossip about my weakness spreading up and down Main Street.
Poor little boy didn’t know how to deal with his emotions. Couldn’t stand up for himself in the face of a bully’s verbal attack. Froze in the face of danger. Took off without thanking their beloved chief for stepping in to save the day.
Couldn’t even find the gumption to look out for DJ when his dad had gotten handsy and hurt the boy either.
Worthless coward.
My face burned and throat tightened over what Sutton must think of me. I’d proven how much of a child I still was, and I hated myself for it.
Since returning, I had been triggered a handful of times, which had nearly flattened me, reminding me that I wasn’t any more cured of my childhood trauma than I’d thought while living in Boston.
Being away from where I’d endured unimaginable pain had made it easy to distract myself, set my emotions to the side where they wouldn’t be bothersome. With every passing year, I’d thought I was healing—days passing, distance, and all that shit.
But nope.
I continued to be controlled by fear responses deeply ingrained in my psyche.
Coming back here had been a mistake. A whim that had landed me in a pile of shit I’d been desperate to leave behind, revealing my deepest insecurities to people—someone in particular—I’d hoped to prove my worth to.
The open house later this morning had better end with a bid so I could get the hell out of this town and focus on finding a sense of peace I’d experienced in Massachusetts. But, I expected my reawakened nightmares would follow me no matter how much distance I put between myself and the past.
Maybe I would move to Washington, the farthest west I could go.
Spend a few months abroad, even. Tour Europe and immerse myself in history of those who had suffered before me.
Would running away again be the answer I searched for though?
I could hear Dad in my mind calling me a fool, and growling, I tossed the blankets off and climbed from the bed. A hot shower and little bit of pampering were in order since I had about two hours before the open house began. While I hadn’t been invitedto hang around and witness the hordes of people checking out the house—dreaming about the numbers—I was going to park a bit down the road and watch, fingers crossed.
I’d originally planned to hang with DJ at Grams, but after Kurt’s homophobic slurs, I agreed with Gram’s suggestion I stay away for a bit. We’d spoken on the phone Friday night, and I’d bawled my eyes out, her attempts to soothe me appreciated but ineffective.
She’d had it out with her son earlier in the day while DJ had been at school, and she threatened to cut him off and out of her life completely if he didn’t agree to get some help. He’d supposedly started AA meetings after the DUI and some other program that would allow him to get his license back sooner, but she’d told him he needed therapy too.
Didn’t we all?
But no way in hell would I subject myself to reliving what I’d been desperate to escape for more than half my life. I wondered if Kurt was in the same headspace as me, which allowed a bit of empathy for the man.
Didn’t make the thought of running into him again any more tolerable, that was for damned sure.
My cell dinged as I descended the stairs to the lounge.
Daddy McDreamy:Good luck today.
I huffed under my breath, grumbling. Why couldn’t Sutton leave me the hell alone?
Because he cared, just like he did every other goddamned person in Pippen Creek. It would be best to remember I wasn’t special.
“Good morning, Jimmy!” Kendra called from the front desk as I hit the landing.
