Page 69 of Returning Your Love
A tear slid down my cheek, and I let it drip onto my old T-shirt while slouched on the couch. There hadn’t been a big breakdown or agonizing sobs over my own loss as I’d done while hugging the toilet when feeling sorry for Shelly, and that was okay too according to my therapist. People dealt with loss in different ways. I needed to allow myself to feel the emotions, let them happen, and accept them.
The guilt was just as real, understandably so considering my failing to fulfill Shelly’s dreams and how I’d fucked around with Jamie behind her back, but I was learning not to let it rule my life. A slow process for sure, but I would get there eventually.
I’d been to therapy three times, and it actually felt good to unload to a complete stranger who wasn’t from Pippen Creek and didn’t know me or other townsfolk. She would never judge me or tell my parents about my shit. Or about how I wasdesperately in love with my best friend and wasn’t ready to pursue a relationship because I needed to love myself first.
My fourth online meeting was the day after Halloween, and I left the shop early again, actually anticipating talking with her.
We discussed the self-confidence I’d been building, and she recommended stretching myself a bit more. Start opening up again to friends and loved ones. Sharing my grief rather than hiding from or stifling it because I didn’t want to be vulnerable with others and show that supposed weakness as Dad had called it.
The first person I thought allowing back in—as a friend for now—had his final home game on Friday night.
I showed up early and sat on the fifty-yard line.
Babs was there, same as she always was in support of our Bobcats. She smiled, hugged me, and welcomed me to the land of the living. Nothing was said after that about Shelly or questions about how I was doing. She simply chewed my ear off about the town’s latest gossip, keeping my brain occupied until our team tore through the banner held by the cheerleaders.
Jamie and Coach Dave trotted behind the players, the energy not nearly what it’d been the last game I’d attended with Shelly. Still, grim determination lined both coaches’ faces when they rounded the boys up on the sidelines for a quick pep talk.
I couldn’t tear my eyes off Jamie.
He once more wore khakis that fit his ass snugly and made my mouth water. A thick fleece, red and sporting the school’s logo, covered the bulk of his upper body, but I’d memorized every inch beneath. Lusted to touch and sample the dips and swells of his muscles. Maybe even shove my nose in his armpit again. Lick over his skin and get a proper taste of him.
It’d been weeks since I’d gotten myself off out of sheer need to empty my balls, but he’d been front and center in my fantasy while doing so.
Guilt had accompanied my spunk shooting from my dick and hadn’t disappeared down the drain like my cum had.
Technically, I was free, but my head wouldn’t allow my heart what it wanted. Remorse and a desire for betterment constrained me, but I wasn’t sure how to let go of the self-imposed shackles that were stronger than any ball and chain I’d imagined being imprisoned by before.
The heaviness of those thoughts carried on throughout the game the more I looked at Jamie. And with every touchdown from the opposing team, Jamie’s shoulders slumped further. I wished I could hug him.
A shutout ended the season, but with it being senior night, the crowd didn’t disperse right away.
One-by-one, the graduating players strode across the field on the arms of their parents or loved ones, waving or fist-pumping the air as their name announced over the tinny speaker. Kyle, the starting quarterback, got the biggest round of applause, his backup, Josh, a close second and hot on his heels.
The guys lined up along the edge of the field in front of the stands, and the whole town offered thanks and the edification the kids deserved for fighting so hard. They hadn’t once given up, and according to Babs, had the best season team-wise in years. They had only won one game, but their comradery soared.
Jamie stood behind his quarterbacks, a smile on his face, pride in his eyes as he watched the two boys in front of him.
Kyle and Josh turned toward each other, laughing. Josh said something in Kyle’s ear—and they were suddenly kissing. Full-on lip-lock, Kyle holding the back of Josh’s neck in a firm grip as though desperate to keep him in place. Not that Josh appeared to have any intentions of backing away. He clung to Kyle’s jersey with both hands.
I stared, my heart pumping as their mouths moved over each other’s in view of everyone.
That bit of news hadn’t gone ‘round the town. Even Babs gasped beside me before whistling shrilly along with dozens of other folks.
My gaze went to Jamie behind the kissing boys.
His smile had faded, and he watched with such longing in his gaze that pain knifed at my heart. He lifted his focus, eyes settling on me without surprise, as though he’d been aware of my presence the entire game.
Ears muffling, I could only hear the whoosh of blood rushing through my body as our gazes locked. Want carried on the cold air between us, intensifying the puffed white exhales from both of our lips. My body leaned forward to erase the distance, but the team suddenly crowded around their coach, hiding him from my sight and returning me to the reality of the cold biting my nose and the chilled metal beneath my backside.
I swallowed hard and turned away to find Babs peering up at me.
Her kind eyes said it all—not to wait, to take what happiness I could while I still had the chance.
While half the town headed to Frenchie’s, I was too amped up, too hyped on desire and fear to be in a crowd. Temptation to text Jamie and…I didn’t know what else, made my fingers itchy to pull my cell from my pocket, but I didn’t.
I drove home in silence and entered the tomb-like house that no longer felt like a home.
At least I’d been taking better care of the place the previous couple of weeks, vacuuming and doing dishes rather than allowing them to pile up. I’d even scrubbed the bathrooms the day before, so the place smelled somewhat lemon-like.
