Page 90 of Returning Your Love
Tara. My new, least favorite female name.
“She is—was—Shelly’s best friend,” he continued when I didn’t speak. Fucking couldn’t.
Memories clicked, but the burn of anger inside me didn’t subside. Was he so desperate to hold onto a piece of his wife that he would hook up with her friend? How fucking sick?—
“We agreed to meet for dinner for closure,” Chaz said, cutting off my thoughts.
“Closure,” I repeated, my tone lowering.
Chaz nodded and held my stare without flinching or hinting at needing to hide shit from me. “It was a one-time thing because I was hoping for answers. Nothing more.”
“Fuck.” I rubbed my hands over my face and groaned as some of the tension seeped out of me.
“From your reaction, I’m guessing you still want me?”
“I promised always,” I rasped, my hands falling to my lap, refusing to let that seed of hope inside me spring to life like it was dying to do. “Fucking meant it, Chaz.”
He exhaled long and quiet, once more shoving his hands into his pockets. “As much as I want to dive into you and forget about reality for a while, I have some shit to tell you first.”
There was no stopping that seed from bursting into full bloom regardless of wariness over what else he had to say crept in.
“Shelly was having an affair and was pregnant with another man’s child.”
His blunt words knifed me like a dagger to my chest, and I whispered a few curses as he continued.
“The accident happened when she was on her way to see a lawyer to start the process of divorcing me.”
“Fuck—Chaz, I’m so sorry.”
Chaz shook his head, the lack of pain in his steady gaze baffling when any other man would be bent over with grief. “We hadn’t…been together since last April. She met the guy in July, but I didn’t know that until today.”
“Tara.”
“Yeah.” Chaz exhaled heavily again but didn’t take his focus off my face. “But I wasn’t sure of the timing of their sexual involvement the night I fucked you. I’d been too caught up in my need to think straight. Afterward, the sight of my cum reminded me of how I’d failed her, but I also realized the possible consequences of going bare. I freaked the fuck out because I wasn’t sure I was safe.”
A tingle slid down my spine and not the pleasant sort. “It’s okay,” I whispered, praying like fuck that everythingwasall right.
“I should have told you right away, but I was ashamed and too caught up in my misery. I got tested the following week, and everything came back negative, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
Relief swept through me, causing me to sink further into the couch. I nodded, my brain and heart overloaded with what he’d shared with me. “I wish you’d told me sooner, Chaz. I could have been there for you.”
“This was something I had to work through on my own,” he said, a soft smile on his face even though it felt like he had more to tell me. “I couldn’t have your magic dick distracting me from emotions I had to face, thoughts I needed to process, and steps I had to take. Then your admission to wanting her gone…” He swallowed hard as though my betrayal still hurt.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Chaz. I was a heartless, selfish bastard.”
“I understand loving someone so desperately that moving heaven and hell to be with them oftentimes makes us wish for things we shouldn’t.” Chaz studied my eyes, pain radiating between us.
“I didn’t mean it, Chaz, not really. I was just so goddamned jealous, and seeing the way she treated you?—”
“I know you didn’t really want her dead.” Chaz finally removed his hands from his pockets and rubbed them down his thighs. “Forgivingbothof us proved to be the hardest part of the grieving process so far. I never should have reacted in my anger and kicked you out that night, but I don’t regret having time alone to get my priorities and heart settled on moving forward.”
The wariness dissolved completely as I focused on those two final words. “So now what?”
Chaz opened his mouth then closed it again.
“What?” I pushed, hoping whatever else was on his heart didn’t have the potential to re-rip scabs of healing between us.
He unzipped his coat and set it on over the end of the couch.
