Page 79 of Returning Your Love
My heart beat heavy in my chest, every thump for him. He owned me, body and soul. Always would.
“What about you, Chaz?” I whispered, needing verbalization of what I swore I saw in his gaze.
“What about me?”
I sat in silence, watching him until he glanced away.
Weak sunlight filtering through the bay window behind him caressed his strong profile like my fingers itched to do. Snowflakes fell beyond, their pristine white covering the muck and dirty slush from previous storms.
Dad had told me that if I was gifted the opportunity, that I needed to share the rest of my heart with Chaz. While sitting in a public space with other townsfolk close enough to listen wasn’tideal, time ran short. Berlin’s town officials expected me to start after the first of the year, and a lot of details needed taken care of between now and then if I accepted their offer.
That decision rested on the man across the table from me.
“I told Josh that if you love someone, you put them first,” I said, keeping my voice low. “Sacrifice for them. That’s the kind of love I desire, Chaz, and you’re who I want it with. But being here in this town with distance between us… Fuck.” I ran a hand over my face, my throat aching. I was no Babs. “Seeing you and not being able to have you hurts more than anything.” I went on. “Goddamn knives pierce my chest over and over until I bleed out. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but it’s what I want. What Ineed. And if you can’t give me any of that, what’s the point of sticking around where there’s more pain than happiness with every breath I take?”
Chaz didn’t respond, simply went back to studying his goddamned coffee cup.
Answer enough.
An audible exhale emptied my lungs and slouched my shoulders. My eyes stung, but I couldn’t tear my focus off his thinned, pale lips I would never taste again.
Loneliness for life appeared to be my future, and there was nothing I could do to change that fact no matter what pep talk I offered myself. There was no winning in this moment, only a chance to escape the pain and attempt to survive.
“I’m the one who needs space now,” I managed to whisper before sliding out of my seat.
Every step putting distance between Chaz and I was agony. A slow peeling of skin away from muscle and bone, wounding me in ways that would never fully heal.
He didn’t call out to stop my leaving, and the door shut firmly behind me.
The cold outdoors slapped me in the face, its bitter chill stealing what little air I had left in me. I stood alone on the walkway, Christmas music filtering in from somewhere along Main Street, twinkling lights in the fire station’s windows across from Scone Haven attempting to make the atmosphere festive.
As a kid, I would have tipped my head back and caught snowflakes on my tongue, but I couldn’t be bothered to search out even one second of happiness thanks to the heaviness in my heart. I wanted to curl up in a ball and throw a massive pity party for one.
Head down, I trudged through the thickening snow toward my SUV, fighting to focus on the immediate future.
Accepting the job offer, making it through the holidays, then packing up my shit and moving out of Pippen Creek for good.
Chapter 28
Chaz
My therapist had suggested a lot of things in the weeks I’d been seeing her, and while I’d implemented a few recommendations, the one to confront my loved ones and share my feelings was a hard limit.
I cleared the house of Shelly’s belongings, donating everything to Consider Consignment over on the far end of Pippen Street. I painted the entirety of my house’s interior, rearranged the furniture, and even splurged on a new bed and linens since I hadn’t needed to pay a weekly tab at Frenchie’s.
While proud of myself for continued advancement in moving on by creating a new space that was solely my own—and a lot more comfortable—I couldn’t bring myself to speak to my parents.
Or Jamie.
I wanted him more than anything, loved him regardless of his betrayal of the friend we’d shared, but I wasn’t ready. Something inside me stalled out when it came to him. Perhaps I still felt I didn’t deserve happiness. Or maybe that seed of bitterness deep inside me needed to be completely rooted out before I could stomach facing him again.
Sitting alone in my living room on Christmas morning, I stared at the small tree I’d bought for myself, a sense of thankfulness snaking through my chest for the first time in months. The scent of fir filled the air, a smell Shelly had hated along with the pine needles littering the floor as the tree eventually gave up the ghost no matter how much one watered it.
I’d used multi-colored lights rather than the white she’d always insisted on for our fake fir. The branches of what I called my Charlie Brown tree were sad in their scarcity but beautiful to me because it was exactly what I’d always wanted and hadn’t been allowed during the years of my marriage.
While I had created a new beginning in my immediate surroundings, a weight still held me back, and I’d begun to hate it. Being around townsfolk again, seeing the world continue to revolve and how people found happiness in the small things made me yearn for the same.
I wanted to be free to live my life.
