Page 68 of Returning Your Love
Mom had always been independent as fuck. Probably wouldn’t have married Dad if she hadn’t gotten pregnant her senior year of high school.
Dad had tried with a woman, so why not dick? Maybe even a younger guy in need of a daddy.
I grimaced at the thought that had come out of nowhere.
“What?”
“Just thinking that a younger guy might be a good bet for you.” I went with honesty as always.
Dad hesitated a second but nodded, seemingly unsurprised.
“Someone needy, but that’s…yeah, no.” I shook my head even though it looked like he’d given some thought to what I’d suggested already.
Dad finished off his beer and got up to retrieve another one.
I went back to my food, putting Dad’s sexual future way the fuck in the back of my brain where it belonged. Better to be rid of it altogether, but shit had been spoken out loud, so yeah. Not happening. Still—where my mind had gone for Dad? Gross.
“There’s a position down at city hall in Berlin that might be of interest to you,” Dad said, letting me know he was done discussing his own sex life too. “I could put in a good word if you’re unsure about what to do when the season is over.”
I’d talked to Dad about looking for something to keep me busy, but Pippen Creek didn’t have anything to offer someone with my degree. Hell, they were only hiring waitstaff or shelf stockers over at The Market. And the apple orchard where I’d worked two summers while in high school wasn’t in need of seasonal helpers since the place pretty much shut down until spring.
“It’s only a half hour away,” Dad said. “Easy commute.”
I nodded while continuing to eat.
“Might be good to get some space.”
“Sick of me already?” I joked.
“You know what I mean.”
Yeah, I did. Being close to Chaz but not having any access to him was wearying. I’d been the one pursuing him, so maybe it was time for me to step back fully—and not do it out of manipulation but honoring his wishes.
Hopefully, Chaz would work through his grief and eventually reach out to me again when he was ready.
And if he wasn’t?
That was something else I would have to learn to deal with alongside all the other disappointments I’d experienced in my twenty-four years.
Chapter 24
Chaz
Ikept my front porch light off on Halloween. Didn’t even put up any decorations in the front lawn like Shelly used to do every year trying to outdo the neighbors around us who went overboard, in my opinion.
Whiskey was my sole company, but I limited myself to two drinks that night. Dry-eyed, I sat and listened to neighborhood children’s laughter outside for two hours, recalling the happier memories we’d had when trick-or-treaters came to our door.
Jamie, Shelly, and I had spent every Halloween night together from fifth through twelfth grade, flitting from porch to porch and filling pillowcases with candy. The best year had been when we’d all turned sixteen and went as the Three Stooges. We acted like morons, snort-laughing while running down Pippen Creek’s roads.
I did miss Shelly in some ways. The friendship we’d had prior to our relationship becoming more had meant a lot to me. Even though she’d basically tagged along with Jamie and I wherever we’d gone, she’d been a welcomed breath of fresh air. Sunshiny and upbeat alongside my best friend. They had been a double dose of happiness for me once upon a time.
Our tears had mingled when we’d had to put her mom in the long-term care facility. She’d clutched my hand that afternoon when we’d driven away from the only family member she had remaining. I’d been determined to knock her up after that Friday afternoon.
Heaving a sigh, I set my empty glass aside and focused on the tightness in my chest.
Grief was a fucking funny thing but far from amusing. Different reasons for it weaved throughout my brain, but I realized not all of what I experienced stemmed from being upset for her and the life she’d missed out on.
I might have fucked up, but I was starting to believe the therapist I’d been seeing for a couple of weeks when she said I wasn’t at fault. I was coming to understand that it was okay to grieve for myself over the loss of my wife too. Doing so wasn’t selfish like I’d thought it would be considering my infidelity I’d yet to discuss with anyone but her.
