Page 47 of Ten Years and Then…
“That’s exactly how it is with Nora.”
His advisor nodded. “I thought so. Things between us were—I assume you can imagine. Until one night in April, when Emma came to my apartment in a panic. She was afraid she was pregnant.”
Daniel hadn’t once thought about that with Nora.
Except he had, hadn’t he? Over Christmas, the idea had popped into his head out of nowhere. But not the way his professor was talking about. He and Nora hadn’t had that kind of scare; they’d always been careful.
But now he wondered, what would he do if it happened anyway? Careful wasn’t always enough. Accidents happened.
“What did you do?”
Professor Maddox—Scott—sighed. “Nothing, as it turned out. It was a false alarm. But it scared both of us. Myself more than her, to tell the truth. I thought long and hard about what I would have done if it had gone the other way.” He was lost in thought for a minute, and Daniel didn’t dare interrupt. “If it had, I would have dropped out of school, and gotten whatever job I could, to support her and the baby. I’d have married her, if she would’ve had me. And it would have ended in disaster.”
He couldn’t believe his advisor was telling him all this. He’d never had any adult talk this personally, or this frankly, to him. “Why a disaster?”
“Because, Daniel, like you, I am a man who cannot do anything but give my full effort to the things that are important to me. I could not have supported Emma and a baby as a student, and I would not have stood for her working while she was pregnant.” Daniel just stared blankly at that, and his professor nodded. “It was a different time. It did not help that she was on poor terms with her parents, and they would not have supported her having a baby. My own parents would have given moral support, but that’s all they had.”
“But she wasn’t pregnant.”
“She could have been. And it could have happened again. Without being indelicate, I doubt you could simply cut out the physical aspect of your relationship with Nora, any more than I could have with Emma.” No. He was absolutely right.
“But you could have gone back to school, once the baby was three or four, couldn’t you?”
“As I said, it was a different time. Perhaps if it had been a decade later, or even five years, that might have been possible. But as it was, I knew I would give up my education for her. And—perhaps it would have taken a few years, or only a few months, but I would have come to resent her, and the child, for what I had given up. I could not do that to Emma. And I knew what I had to do. Better to break her heart then and there, and mine, cleanly and quickly, than to come to hate her, and she me, for years to come.”
Was he suggesting what Daniel thought he was? That it wasn’t enough just to love someone? That you could love someone completely and still have to walk away? “You’re not telling me to break up with Nora?”
His advisor shook his head. “I am not telling you anything. Except that you do have a choice to make. You love this girl, it’s plain as day. You cannot do less than commit completely to her. It’s in your nature, and that is to be commended. But you are also committed to your education, and the last six weeks notwithstanding, you have been an exemplary student and a tireless worker. So we come to a fork in the road. To quote a movie I’m sure you have seen a dozen times, ‘Do, or do not. There is no try.’ It is not me telling you that a choice is required. It is your heart, and I think you know it.”
“That’s a lot to think about, Scott.” And yet, he knew already that the man was right. Daniel hadn’t ever thought about it in those terms but there was no way to deny it.
“Indeed. And that is all I will say on the subject. Now, onto practical matters. You have been, as I said, an exemplary student and I have no wish to put a C, or, God forbid, a D on your transcript. So regardless of what you decide in a larger sense, I will offer you a bargain. Come to every class these last two weeks of term with your full attention. Come to every shift in the lab—unless classwork conflicts, and you give advance notice. Study diligently for my final exam, and score at least 85%. If you do all that, I will give you a B for the semester, and I will keep you on at the lab for the fall. Do we have a deal?”
Despite his crummy—he couldn’t call it anything else—work the last few weeks, his advisor was offering him a way out with a decent grade. “Yes, Scott—I mean, Professor.” He extended a hand for his advisor to shake. The man grinned again. It really was weird to see.
“Excellent, Mr. Keller. I shall expect you in the lab tomorrow morning.” The grin faded away, and Professor Maddox appeared lost in thought for a moment. “One more thing, and I am not sure I should tell you this. But I am your advisor, and as much as you probably won’t like hearing it, it is the truth. Whatever choice you make, it will be difficult. And you will always question whether you were right, regardless of how you decide.” He gestured towards the photos on the bookshelf behind him—presumably his wife and children. “I love my family with all my heart. I would like to believe that I have been a good husband and a good father. I have never been disloyal or unfaithful. And yet, after all these years, if Emma were to show up in my doorway right now and ask me to run away with her, I cannot honestly say what I would do.”
Nora, April 11
How had she fallen so far behind?
Nora knew she wasn’t feeling 100%—and hadn’t been for a week—but a stupid little cold was no excuse for sleeping through her eight o’clock. class this morning, or forgetting about two different assignments, or collapsing into bed before nine o’clock every night this week.
Schoolwork wasn’t the only thing she was missing. Rachel had called twice this week and she’d meant to call back but something had always interrupted her before she could. And she hadn’t seen—or even spoken to—Daniel since last Thursday.
She knew he’d called, because Kim gave her the messages. And she knew he’d come by, because Kim left his handwritten notes, and the container of chicken soup he’d brought by yesterday, on her side of the desk.
She hadn’t even recognized her own voice when she heard herself last night yelling about the soup. “I can take care of myself! I don’t need anybody to tell me what to eat or when to go to bed or how to blow my nose!”
Kim had stared at her like she was a Martian or something, but she didn’t actually say anything. Nora could only imagine the freakish look she must have given her roommate. It was only now, a day later, thinking about it, that she realized she’d heard that exact rant before. It was her mother’s words coming out of her mouth, with a combination of her mother’s vicious sarcasm and her father’s anger. And it was even worse because she didn’t know why she was feeling any of it.
Thank God Daniel wasn’t there to hear it. All he was doing was trying to help. That’s all he ever did, and she had lost her mind over it. If she didn’t pull herself together, she was going to drive him away—maybe for good.
It was a small mercy that she hadn’t thrown the soup container against the wall. Kim must have been afraid of that, because the soup had disappeared right after Nora went into the bathroom to cough up brownish-green gunk for fifteen minutes.
All this craziness—ignoring her boyfriend, blowing off her aunt, neglecting schoolwork—for a little head cold? How was that possible?
Daniel, April 16
