Page 54 of Silent Deception
“Does it? Or does it just make everything more painful and real? You have no idea. No idea at all.” He stepped out of her embrace and moved into one of the chairs by the fireplace. Propping an elbow on the arm, he rested his head against his palm and stared into the flames.
“Would you like some coffee? I have decaf. Or...” Kristin felt suddenly awkward and unsure. “If you want to catch a couple hours of sleep, you’re welcome to either Cody’s room upstairs or the daybed in the den. I’m a little too wired right now to sleep, so I’ll stay down here with Garrett.”
“No. He’s my responsibility.”
“Point taken, regarding your brother.” Kristin settled into the chair opposite his. “But you can’t be responsible for everyone. Maybe you need to forget some of the things you can’t change. Forgive yourself.”
“Nice try, Cantrell, but you tell me.” He met her gaze with a weary one of his own. “If your actions meant a dozen children were badly injured or killed—just how easy would it be to let that go?”
* * * *
HE WAS THERE AGAIN.
Mortar fire shook the earth, raining pulverized concrete into the narrow street. Heavy clouds of pale gray dust obliterated everything but the rubble a few feet ahead of him and the faces of the locals running past him in fear of their lives.
Mothers held their small children, clutched tightly in their arms. Old men hobbled awkwardly, a thousand years of turmoil etched on their deeply lined faces.
Corporal Dietrich yelled something from a point just a few yards ahead, his voice lost in the constant staccato of automatic rifle fire.
A frightened young woman came running at him with terrified children at her heels—one with a bandaged head, some with crutches. Ryan stepped aside to let them pass and said a silent prayer.Please, God, save them. Help them all get out. Please.
He ran for the building ahead, shouting for Dietrich and the others to follow him inside—his lungs burning, his mouth filled with the choking dust. The others hung back but he kept running.There’s still time...still time...
Only later, days later, was he conscious enough to hear that he’d been too late.
The insurgents had made no empty threats before, and they’d not made one then, in their demand for the release of two of their leaders.
Four well-placed packages of C-4 had detonated at the corners of the children’s hospital. A suicide bomber hit the front doors a split second later...and no one even knew how many of the children died.
A section of wall had fallen on Ryan as he ran inside, crushing his knee and shoulder and knocking him unconscious, but it had also protected him from the explosive force of the jagged glass and metal fragments that landed a hundred yards away.
Maybe he’d been lucky to survive, but he hadn’t deserved it.
“Ryan.Ryan...wake up. It’s okay, it’s okay.”
He struggled to climb from the depths of the nightmare, even as warm, soft hands cradled his face. Soothing. Loving.
He opened his eyes and found Kristin kneeling in front of him, her eyes filled with tears.
“You were dreaming,” she whispered. “I heard you cry out for someone.”
“It’s nothing.” He needed distance and would’ve stood and moved away, but the touch of her hands held him more securely than any shackles could have.
She rocked back on her heels and took his hands in hers. “That isn’t true, Ryan. I understand that you don’t want to talk about it—maybe youcan’t.But if there’s anything I can do...”
He looked into her eyes and found such complete acceptance, such understanding, that something inside him cracked just a little...the wall of sorrow and guilt that he’d built so long ago. The anger at himself for failing.
But there were no words.
There was no way to tell her...or to explain that he’d welcomed his multiple surgeries and long rehabilitation. The pain had felt like penance for the death of those nameless, faceless children.Because he’d been too late.
“Garrett is fine. I just checked on him,” she whispered. She nodded toward a door at the far corner of the room. “Don’t forget there’s a daybed in the den, so you can go in there and lie down. I’ll stay out here to keep tabs on Garrett.”
He shook his head. He already knew he wouldn’t find restful sleep...just the continuation of the nightmares filled with guilt and grief that always dragged him back into the past.
* * * *
“ADELFA TELLS ME YOUand Garrett were off at some rodeo last night,” Leland said. He raised an eyebrow. “You look beat, and I haven’t even seen your brother around yet this morning. How’d it go?”
