Page 40 of Icy Heart, Empty Chest
“I don’t get why he hated me.” I never actually could figure it out. I had always wondered if my father or mother knew anything about it.
“I don’t either. He just made you out to be ‘lesser.’ The more I fought back about seeing you, the more he cracked down.”
“Did your mom like me at least?” I asked forlornly. I had remembered having good memories with her. She had a very kind and gentle spirit. I had always wondered about their marriage, with him being so bullish, and her so mild.
“She adored you but wouldn’t go against him.” His dark eyes scanned the room. “He made sure I was busy throughout the entire trial. Any after school time was taken up. The one time I snuck out, I made it a few blocks away from your house. The beating I got that night was something else.” He rubbed his neck in remembrance.
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this then? I knew what he was like, or at least I thought I did.”
“It was Mom actually. She convinced me that slowly cutting you off would be easier than fighting back, even if I didn’t want to do it. She begged me. Couldn’t stand hearing him get to me. She couldn’t bear seeing him beat me or hurt me so often. I wanted to reach out. I mean, you were just a kid. We were just dumb kids. You shouldn’t have had to go through any of that shit alone. I mean, kids always want their parents’ approval right? Ishouldn’t have wanted it that hard. I should have…fought harder for you.”
“You shouldn’t have had to push that hard. I sorta had to. There was no one else but me.” I had abandoned my drink at that point. I didn’t feel like drinking. I hated being this vulnerable. All the things I’d had to swallow down for years were just pouring out of me. A downpour of truth. It felt odd in truth. I felt exposed. The raw nerve I’d covered with layers of Band-Aids was now open to air.
“Can you tell me what happened in high school? Include the lake thing. I think it’s obvious now that there were so many pieces I was missing.”
A flash of pain went through me.
“Not tonight. It’s a bit too much tonight,” I replied. My wounded heart was curling like a millipede, trying to protect itself.
“Alright.” He looked forward with sad eyes. “I wish I had known. I owe you every apology under the sun. You always, always deserved more than what you got. Wish I had never had to choose between you two.”
“Maybe I should have been smarter. Maybe I should have figured out that it wasn’tmeand my dad issues, and trusted you...I should have trusted you more. It just hurt at the time.”
“I didn’t make it easy for that, I know.” His beautiful eyes glanced at me.
“Damien, I swear on my father’s grave I will get your heart back. I won’t let you die. I won’t lose you.” As I swore what I hoped was a binding oath, tears started to well up and flow. I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually cried before he came back into my life. He looked up, alarmed. I quickly brought up my sleeve to wipe them away.
“Hey! Cor, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t want you to die,” I admitted through sniffles. I felt a ballooning in my chest.
He hopped off his stool and threw his arms around me. “That’s one of the best things you could have said to me.”
He felt like home. A little piece of home from a long time ago.
I hugged him tightly back. Gods almighty he smelled so good. And all that muscle under my fingers—down girl.
“We should probably close out the tab and go home. I will likely ruin my sterling reputation of being ineffable and I have some ideas about my next steps,” I added sniffling.
He released me and raised an eyebrow. “How much do I want to know about this?
I met his eyes and took a deep breath. “I will likely have an answer for you tomorrow. But I need you to trust me.”
“I always have, Cor. That never changed.”
I gave him a watery smile. My brain was buzzing with ideas. As we headed back out to my car, I contemplated how deep I was in. I don’t know if he realized it but I didn’t care. I would go to the ends of the earth to protect him and I think I always knew I would.
As I saw him get into his car, I sent a smile and wave his way. I was hit by a flood of tears. Sliding down against my door, I stared off into my apartment. Losing Damien would be like losing the sun in the sky. I had forgotten how warm he was and how alive he made me feel. He was one of the few that could ever break me out of the hole I frequently stuck myself in.
I was in so fucking deep.
If I got his heart back then what would change? Would he be the same Damien I’d always known? Would he be able to feel anything?
What if I couldn’t find a way? He was on borrowed time as it was. Would I be able to tolerate him dying in my arms? I’d already lost my father and mother. If I lost his heart, then minemight as well cease to exist. I scrolled up to one of our longer text exchanges from sophomore year:
Cora:What happened today??? All I saw was you fighting and then your dad breaking it up!
Damien:Nico was running his mouth, threw the first punch
