Page 45 of My Orc Contract Husband
He stared at me, shoulders heaving with his heavy breaths, eyes flashing. But I held my ground, unafraid. He would never do anything to hurt me.
“Tell me, Tarkhan,” I whispered. “Why don’t you want?—”
“Because I’m ashamed, alright?” he blurted, his face turned away from me. “I want you, Sami—the gods below know it. But…”
My shame.He’d hinted about it that day in the barn, but it was related to his cock? No, to sex in general?
“Whatever happened to you,” I whispered, pulling his hand against my stomach, curling around it as if I could comfort him. “The reason you had to leave. It was because of sex, wasn’t it?”
He didn’t answer, but I could tell from the rapid rise and fall of his chest that he was fighting with himself. So I pushed again.
“I can be happy with what you’re willing to give me, Tarkhan. Really, I can be—Iam. I love the way you bring me pleasure. But you’re not giving me the truth. I don’t need your cock in me to be complete?—”
The way he groaned and dropped his head back, almost in surrender, made me pause.
“Please, Tarkhan,” I whispered.
With his head in that position, I saw him swallow. Saw the moment he gave in.
“Where I grew up, young males experimented with each other.”
Experiemented? “Sexually?” It made sense, if there were limited females, but was that what he was ashamed of? I gripped his hand. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
His lips curled wryly, and he didn’t open his eyes. “I wasgoodat it, Sami.Verygood. I liked it, I liked bringing others pleasure. I liked the way they thought of me, like I was someone special.”
You are special. I wanted to blurt it, but instead I tried to be reasonable.
“That’s not a reason to be ashamed.”
“No, it’s not.”
He suddenly stood, pulling his hand from my hold, and crossing to the window that looked out over our backyard. As if he still couldn’t meet my eyes.
“When I reached my seventh year, my mother had a daughter. Torrah was her second daughter—my older sister was Mated when I was still a boy—and cause for great celebration. My mother was honored for helping to secure the future of our clan. So few females had been born these last centuries that two in one family must be a gift from the gods.”
It was the hollowness of his tone which told me what was going to happen.
Oh no.
I pulled my heels up on the mattress and wrapped my arms around my knees, gaze locked on his back.
“She was ten,” he finally said, beginning again. “Torrah was ten, and I was a young man, assigned to watch her. I would’ve rather spent time with my friends. Abydos and I…” He shook his head, his hands lifting to grip the window jamb, knuckles white. “I didn’t realize Torrah was playing in the river while I was coming in his hand.”
His head tipped forward to press against the windowpane, and his voice lowered to a harsh rasp. “It wasn’t until we found her body downstream that I realized I’d betrayed my family—betrayed my little sister—for pleasure.” His shoulders hunched. “My mother made it clear she could barely stand to be around me after that, since Iwas responsible not just for the death of Torrah but the future of the clan.”
Dear God in Heaven. “That’s horrible,” I whispered, slowly unfolding my legs to stand. “Tarkhan, it wasn’t your fault that she drowned.”
Without hesitation, he shot back, “Yes it was. I should have been paying attention.”
Maybe if he’d been watching her, Torrah wouldn’t have died, but I didn’t know the situation. All I knew was that my husband—this wonderful male who’d done so much for me—was still torturing himself more than a decade later.
Chin up, I padded naked across the room. I saw him tense as I got closer, and reminded myself how much better orc senses were than mine.
My hands slid around his middle, and I pressed myself against his back. “And if it was?” I whispered as my fingers splayed across his chest.
I felt him shudder. “If it’s my fault?”
“You think you don’t deserve happiness?” I kissed the tense muscles in his back. “You don’t think you deserve pleasure, because the last time you allowed yourself to feel it, tragedy struck?” Another kiss. “You’ve spent your entire life bringing pleasure to others, haven’t you, as a sort of punishment?”
