Page 26 of Only You
“I don’t kiss.”
“What?” I stare at him in utter shock. “Like ever?”
“Never,” he says firmly.
“Oh.” I know it’s not an intelligent response, but I don’t really know what to do with that information. “So you don’t kiss?”
He looks slightly amused with me now, which I guess is better than the alternative of him thinking I’m an idiot for asking the same question over and over. “No.”
“Oh,” I say again dumbly.
“Stop sayingoh,” he says, his smile growing a little larger, but he does look kind of sad too as he waits for me to process the information.
“Sorry,” I say genuinely. “But you hook up.”
“I do, but that’s just sex. I don’t kiss. I keep it casual, Tatum. I have to.” He’s looking at me like he needs me to just understand. To not push him. And I know that’s what I have to do, but my mind is reeling.
Remy doesn’t kiss. He doesn’t want to ever be in a relationship. I know it has to do with what happened to him when we were young. The thing I allowed to push us apart because I begged him to tell me what happened.
Hoping I could make it better, like I was some sort of superhero or something.
What he needs from me is understanding of his boundaries, even if it means I won’t ever get to taste his sweet lips. I’ll never know what it’s like to kiss him and be with him.
Which I didn’t even realize I wanted until this moment.
It feels like a loss, even though he’s right here with me.
“I understand,” I say, even though I’m not sure I do. Remy deserves the world, and he sure looks like he wanted to kiss me—but he won’t let himself.
So, I guess we’ll just never know what a kiss between us could be. Or anything else. And I just have to figure out a way to be okay with that.
ELEVEN
I wish I could say that things haven’t been off since the night Tatum almost kissed me, but that’s just not how life works. We still made a pie together, and even though it looked a little strange—Tatum’s large hands trying to pinch the crust in a beautiful pattern was kind of hilarious—it still tasted really good.
But there’s just this thing hanging there between us. Maybe I should have just kissed him, but then where would it end? The fact that he wanted to kiss me and seemed to have absolutely no qualms about always thinking he was straight and then suddenly being attracted to a man is enough to blow my mind.
But I know just one kiss with Tatum wouldn’t be enough. And I have the walls up that I do for a very specific reason. I can’t let them fall for anyone, not even him.
So where does that leave us? One ill-advised hookup where we both want more after. We’d both get hurt. That’s what happens. There’s no other outcome other than resentment and pain. Whether I give in and hook up with him again or I don’t, leaving him hurt and confused, it doesn’t matter. It’ll be a disaster.
So I’ve done my best to keep my distance a little bit without pushing him away totally. We still hang out, but I don’t snuggle up to him on the couch. When I do a cooking lesson with him, I keep at least a foot in between us and try to not leave any moments of silence—it seems like those quiet moments are the ones where we both get a little lost there.
I lose direction quickly when I’m looking into his eyes, and I always feel myself drifting into him.
So I keep back.
Tonight, it’s actually a little easier because we’re having dinner with Tatum’s family. Phillip even prepared spaghetti with an option of no meat in the sauce, just for me.
It was so kind and thoughtful—the whole family seeming to just accept me into it right away. Like if Tatum cares about me, they do too. I’ve never had that before. Not once in my life. And I can see why Tatum is so protective of them.
I didn’t even know it could be possible for people like us. I have friends, sure—but even the best friends I’ve had don’t resemble a family like this one does. Though I can’t help but notice that there’s just something a little off about Raegan tonight.
I mean, she’s not normally overly talkative, but tonight, she won’t look anyone in the eye or respond when Phillip and Kellan try to ask her about anything. She just pushes her food around on her plate until she asks to be excused.
I can see the worry on almost everyone’s face when she gets up to leave, taking her still-full plate with her to the kitchen and then heading down the hall to her room.
“Has anything happened with that shithead?” Kellan is asking Cason as soon as Raegan’s door is closed.
