Page 58 of Heart and Soul
“A different person. I get it, but still, I can’t picture Charlotte being like that.”
“She was.” Unfolding his arms, he rubs his palms back and forth over his kneecaps—a nervous tick. “All through middle school. All through high school. She was into art. She was into boys. All that teenager stuff. Totally normal.”
“You…I didn’t realize you knew each other before.”
“Is that a blessing or a curse? What do you say?”
“It’s…” My mind goes blank. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. No witty comeback? I’ve just met this guy—he’s a perfect stranger, and the better half of a woman who’s been nothing but a pain in my ass. And yet…Ifeel. For both of them. What they went through, I can’t imagine…
Wait. No.
Icanimagine. And that’s it, isn’t it? Icanimagine how they must feel, because I would feel the same if something ever happened to Jay. I can imagine, and the thought of it staggers my heart and numbs my brain.
Matt passes me a napkin from the table. I dab it to my eyes. “Psh! Wow, I don’t know where this is coming from.”
“No worries. I get it.”
I try to laugh. “Maybe I’m pregnant.”
Matt’s face crumbles. “Charlotte was pregnant.”
“No! I’m so sorry, I’ll just shut up—”
He flashes Charlotte’s teeth in a wicked grin. “C’mon. Too easy.”
“Oh! Oh, that’s…you!” I wad up the napkin and throw it at his smug face.
“Oh, c’mon, you gotta understand what it’s been like for me. All those times you and Charlotte are going back and forth like ping-pong, and Charlotte’s giving as good as she gets, don’t get me wrong, she’s a ballbuster, but you bring out my A-game, Shayne. I mean, wow, I’m coming up with zings left and right that only you could have appreciated, but she never used any of them! I’m like, ‘Babe, say this’ and ‘Oh! Babe, say that!’ But nothing!”
A sob that had been traveling up my throat comes out as a laugh instead, and that laugh turns into infectious giggles for both of us, like we’re drunk. I wipe more tears from my cheeks.
Matt slumps back in the chair with a sigh. “Their alarms will go off soon. I’ll say it, because Charlotte won’t. You guys be careful out there. The closer you get to Tabitha Durran, the more and more reckless Charlotte gets. I need you to watch her back.”
“For you, I will.”
“Promise me. I need to hear it.”
“I promise. I will.” I’m surprised to feel that I really mean that. Somehow, meeting Matt has made me think differently about Hillerman. Maybe I’ve tried a little too hard to dislike her.
A heavy silence falls between us. I’m tempted—oh, so tempted—to excuse myself and leave it at that. It definitely seems like Matt is willing to let me off the hook, at least for now. But dammit, I already like the guy, so I let out a resigned sigh and say, “C’mon, then, don’t wuss out on me now, after you’ve come this far. Say what you came here to say. Why me?”
Pulling himself up to the edge of the seat, Matt rests his elbows on his knees and picks at his fingernails. “We talked about Brenner, how he used to be one way before, and another way after. Before was ignorance and bliss; after was disturbed. Broken. But then he met you.”
“No, don’t start this again.”
“Hear me out. I think you’ll agree. He met you, and the closer he gets to you, the more he backs away from that broken place. I’m not saying he’ll ever get all the way back to the way he was before—that’s not possible—but he is settling into something in between, isn’t he?”
“Okay, I guess so.”
“You guess so?”
“No, yes, you’re right. What’s he got to do with this?”
“That in-between place, Shayne. Charlotte could have it, too. She could get there. It’s still in her, I know it.”
“I don’t understand. She doesn’t have that already? She’s got you.”
He shakes his head. “No, no, she can’t…” He runs a hand through his hair. His knee bounces nervously. “Not with me, she can’t. All I am is a constant reminder. And look, at first, yeah, she could hear my voice. It was distinct from hers. It was like a conversation. But that was a long time ago. Now? We’ve been together so long—literally together—that our voices…” He shakes his head again. “Sooner or later, she won’t be able to distinguish between us. I’ll still be there, but she won’t know it.”
