Page 31 of Heart and Soul
She gives a small shrug. “And I just wiped that counter clean an hour ago, so go ahead and scoop all that powder back into your mug.”
I hesitate, looking for the catch, but the counter really does look clean. Lowering the mug beneath the lip of the counter, I collect all the cocoa powder and channel it over the edge into the hot water. I take the other seat at the table. In front of Hillerman is a bowl of ramen noodles. It hasn’t been touched.
She pulls her hands inside the long sleeves of a fuzzy sweater. “He wake you up?”
Of all the people in the world, Hillerman is the last that I would choose for a good girl talk, but the need to dish burns a hole in my pocket. “He proposed.”
Hillerman’s brows raise, and her head turns slowly toward me. It’s not exactly the squeals and gasps and giggles I would have gotten from Elle, but trust me, for Hillerman, it’s a big reaction.
“I said yes.”
“So that’s why he was floating out the door just now.”
“Floating?”
“Practically whistling. Congratulations. That’s…” She sighs. “Thank you for telling me. It’s good to hear something positive right now. You guys are good for each other.”
I really wish I could grin and be giddy right now, but I’m too weirded out by this interaction. I want to say,Who are you, and what have you done with Agent Hillerman?But at the same time, I don’t want to jinx it. I really need this right now. “So…you don’t think we’re completely insane?”
“Maybe you are. But maybe that’s also what we all need right now. That crazy kind of defiance that breaks through walls. I mean that, Shayne. Hold onto it. You and Brenner could be the difference. Have you thought about that?”
“What? The difference for what?”
She looks down at her hands inside the sleeves. “I don’t know. I was going to say the difference for everything, for the world. But if I’m honest, I probably just mean that it could be the difference for me.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that you two have a way of attracting change—positive change—in others. Brenner’s got his life back because he met you. And look at what you two brought out in Elle Harrington. Look at Brenner’s partner.”
“Russo?”
“Moved all the way out here to work with Brenner again. There’s just something about you guys that others need.”
My face burns red and not because of the hot cocoa. “But…I don’t…I didn’t mean for any of that. Brenner and Elle, I just needed them for my own selfish reasons. Trust me, I wasn’t trying to help anybody but myself.”
“Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Deny praise.”
“That’s not praise. It’s responsibility, which I’m happy to avoid, absolutely.”
“Just look at the facts: Brenner and Elle were one way before you got involved, and they were another way after.”
“Because that’s what happens when monsters try to kill you. I didn’t do anything.”
“It’s not what you do, Shayne. It’swho you arethat changed them. Trust me.”
“Bullshit. What’s even happening right now? Where is all this coming from? You know as well as anybody what a big game I play. The bravado, the attitude—it’s a poker face. It’s my big bluff, because that’s what a little fox has to do in an alpha world.”
“Is that what you think?”
“You know I do! You saw right through it the second we met.”
“Is it always this hard for somebody to give you a compliment?”
“Well, I don’t need handouts, is all. I’m tired of people trying to put me in a place I don’t deserve. Elle and Brenner put me on some sort of superhero pedestal, my mom thinks I’m a basket case, you’re trying to make me out as some sort of guidance counselor, and half the underworld thinks I’m a full-blown traitor. The reality is, I’m none of those things. I’m just…” I shake my open palms in front of me, searching them for the answer. “I’m just…a fox. That’s all.”
