Page 85 of The Art of Loving Lacy
“Oh, no? I wish you had been around to tell me that when I was a teenager and fought to be able to date your mother. You could have saved me weeks of headache, and come to think of it, a black eye, too.”
Dane sat back down and leaned his elbows on his knees. “A black eye?”
“Sometimes love hurts, son. There’s no two ways around it. But it was worth every painful second, and I’d do it all over again if I could have her back in my arms,” his father said.
“I know you miss Mom.”
“Every minute of every day, but that’s because she was stolen from me. I’d never have sent her away. Like I said, I’d have done anything to be with her.”
Dane sat back again and looked out at the waves rolling in against the shore. His father knew what he had done.Thanks, Treat.He might as well face it head-on.
“I did the right thing, Dad, and I think that’s one reason I never allowed myself to get too close to anyone before. I never knew if I’d return after leaving. Think about it. Think about my job,” Dane said.
“You told me it’s safer than driving down the street and, son, if you tell me that, no matter how much bull I think it is, I’ll accept it as true, because you wouldn’t lie to your father.”
Dane closed his eyes again, trying to escape the truth and knowing he couldn’t. “Statistically, it is safer. But now…”
“Now you think otherwise?” his father asked.
“Now I see it from a different perspective. Seeing Rob’s family hanging on a ledge while he teetered between life and death, that’s perspective, Dad. I don’t ever want to be the cause of that kind of pain.”
“You’re a smart man, Dane, and I’ve been the one hanging on the ledge. Heck, I spent years hanging on the ledge,” his father began.
Mom.
“You know, if I could have loved someone else, maybe I would have. If I could have had some notice…You know that’s the thing that stinks the most. There’s no advance notice to stuff like what happened to your mom or to Rob. It just happens. If we could have had notice and avoided it, that would have been great. Then I could have…I don’t know…divorced her? Sheila could have run away from the pain of it? Right, son? Is that the answer?” Hal’s voice rose as he spoke.
“That’s not what I meant,” Dane said.
“That’s exactly what you meant. Why love someone if something might happen to you and you’ll be the cause of their pain?”
Do you always have to point out the obvious?“I made my decision.”
“I know you did. But is it one you can live with?” his father asked.
Dane didn’t answer.
“Dane, we all come with an expiration date. We just don’t know when our number’s gonna come up. But I can tell you this, and you can bet your butt it’s true. Loving your mother was the best darn thing that ever happened to me aside from you children. And maybe she’s even better than each of you, because without her, you wouldn’t be alive. And even though we had years of too many hospital stays and teetering on ledges, in those few years we had together, that woman filled my heart enough to hold me over for my whole life. Heck, she filled my heart until it overflowed. How do you think I found the strength to carry on and raise all of you nitwits?”
Dane smiled at the term. His father had called them that as kids when they did stupid things like trying to sled off of the barn roof. Tears pressed forth again. He was so lonely for Lacy, and so sad without her, he was beginning to get used to the brutal emotions that plagued him.
He mustered the courage to speak through the longing that ripped at his soul. “Remember when Mom died?” he asked.
“That’s a time I’ll never forget.” His father’s solemn voice coalesced with the memory of his mother’s passing and the first few weeks of getting used to a house where when he yelled,Mom, no one would answer.
“It hurt so bad.” Dane sobbed silently into the night, swiping at hot tears and wishing his father were there to wrap him in his strong arms, as he had so many years ago.
“I know, son,” his father said softly. “You needed time alone then, too. Do you remember running away?”
“Yes,” Dane whispered through his tears.
“That’s always been your way. Climb into your shell until you think it’s safe to come out. I’m sorry, Dane,” his father said. “You know your mother would want me to push you one way or the other, but I’m not going to do that.”
Dane ran his hand over his face, remembering the dream he’d had about his mother doing just that. Pushing him forward.
“I wish life were easier, and I wish love came with guarantees. But sometimes the only right answer is the one with the most risks. It’s the one that scares the stuffing out of you but won’t let you go.”
“I love her so much, Dad. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love Lacy. She’s always right there on my mind. I can feel her beside me when she’s not there, and I can hear her voice in the middle of the night. Dad, am I losing my mind?”
