Page 26 of The Art of Loving Lacy
“I get it,” she said more forcefully, pulling her hand from beneath his. “I don’t know what I thought was happening between us or why I thought it was okay that you didn’t see me because of your schedule or whatever, but…”Stop it! I can’t stop. I can’t. I have to break it off, so why not lay it all on the line?
“It’s not what you think, Lace,” he said.
She jumped off of the equipment. “Right.” She turned away, then heard his feet land with a thump behind her and felt his hand on the small of her back.
“Lacy, I don’t have a good answer,” he said.
“That’s what I thought.” She twisted out of his reach.Walk away. Just walk away.
He grabbed her hand. “Lacy, wait. Please.”
He looked into her eyes, and her tears momentarily blurred his image.
“Lace, when we talked, I wanted nothing more than to run to your front door and see you. To date you, take you in my arms and woo you like a queen, but…”
“But?” she huffed.
“But every time I started thinking of doing it, something held me back. I don’t know if it was fear or what, but I knew that once I had you in my arms, I’d never want to let you go, and…” He shrugged.
It wasn’t an I-don’t-care shrug. It was an I-don’t-understand-it shrug. Lacy sighed. Part of her wished he’d have told her something else, even if it were a lie. Something that would make it easier to walk away. Another, bigger part of her melted by the heat of the sincerity in his voice, the hopeful look in his eyes. She knew what he was trying to say, because as much as she wished he’d swooped in like a knight on a white horse, she’d been scared of what would happen if he had.
He reached for her hands, and this time the love she already felt blooming for Dane overrode the anger and confusion that tried to rip them apart, and she let him take her hands in his.
“I was right, Lace. I never want to let you go,” he said.
The memory of the boat returned, bringing with it a searing tightness in her chest. “Neither do I, but…”
“But?” he asked.
“I have to leave in the morning.”I can do this.“And I’m not sure we should continue talking after I leave.” Tears sprang from her eyes.
“What? Lacy, why?” he asked.
“I’m not the right person for you, Dane. I have this…” She smacked her thigh, crying harder. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t even know I was so scared of sharks, but now I know, and you work with sharks.” She laughed through her tears. “It’s ridiculous.”
“It’s a setback,” Dane said.
“Setback? Dane, you probably have a woman at every stop around the world, or two, or three, or whatever. The last thing you need is a setback.” She swiped at the tears that burned her eyes.
“Is that what you think? That you’re just another one of them?” He ran his hand over his face. “I knew we shouldn’t have gotten close last night. You have no idea who I am.”
“I know who you seemed to be over the phone, on Skype, and in all those sweet, romantic texts when you shared your days and told me how much you thought of me.” She turned away and folded her arms across her stomach. “And how every time I heard your voice, you sounded genuinely happy to hear mine.” She spun back around before he could respond, and when she spoke, all of the hurt at her own weakness and all of the pain of knowing she’d waited so long for a man that she now had to walk away from came rushing forward. “And I know that when I was in your arms, I never wanted you to let go, but now…I can’t be your setback.”
“You’re not my setback. I was making a point. I don’t want a woman at every port, Lacy.” He touched her chin and drew her eyes to his. “I won’t lie to you. I know women in the areas I work, but they’re women I see once or twice a year. They’re not women I even think about after I leave. I know how that makes me sound. I’m well aware of my relationship history, and, Lacy, that’s another reason I was afraid to go see you. Come on, Lace, couldn’t you tell when we were together that what we had was so much more than a fling?” He searched her eyes.
“I felt every blessed second of what I thought was so real and so magnificent, that it made me forget everything else, but I’m not a guy. I woke up and I remembered.” Lacy thought she was only trying to pick a fight—but the reality of his answers now simmered beneath her feigned anger.
“What are you implying?” Dane asked.
Lacy gritted her teeth against the urge to run away or curl up in the fetal position and sob. She’d come this far. She had to finish. “While you were out sleeping with women across the world, I was waiting for you to show up at my front door,” Lacy admitted. She hadn’t realized how much those long months had upset her. The calls carried her through the next day, and the next, and weeks turned into months, and every time she’d start to get upset about not seeing him, he’d text or email and she’d remember that he was worth waiting for.And darn it, you were worth waiting for. It’s me who’s messed up.Before she knew it, she was coming to the wedding, and even then she’d panicked. She’d had alongtime to build up expectations, and that was nerve racking. Once together, everything fell into place so seamlessly that she would have married him if he’d asked. But now that the pain of not seeing him for all those months combined with his admission of being with other women had broken through, she was powerless to stop it. She didn’t recognize the voice that came from deep within her aching chest.
“I remembered how lonely I felt waiting to see you and how I tried so hard to lose myself in my work just so I wouldn’t think about you every minute of every day.” She wiped her eyes and brought her voice under control. “I remembered the nights where I lay in bed, wondering if you were with someone else, and if you were, if you were thinking of me.”
“Lace,” he whispered.
She knew she was creating a fissure too deep to fill between them, but that was the point, wasn’t it? The easier she made it for him to walk away, the easier it would be for her to do the same. She put the final nail in their relationship coffin with a whisper, a sole tear streaming from her eye.
“When I go back home, I don’t want any more of those nights. I think we both know that between the panic attack and the reality check, this is one setback neither of us needs.”
