Page 36 of Unraveling the Truth About Love
“I don’t really remember much about her other than what I’ve been told throughout the years. I was too young, I guess, but between Treat and my dad, I feel like I know everything about her, like she was there for all those years, even though she wasn’t.”
“That’s nice, right? I mean, it would seem worse if you didn’t know what she was like. This wayyou have a picture of her, an idea of her personality,” Riley said.
“Yeah. Treat spent years talking about her like she was right there. He’d tell me stories she’d told him, and he’d try to talk like she did. I’m really lucky that he did that, because while my dad filled me in some, too, I was always afraid to ask him too many specifics about her. He’s always missed her so much.” One of the earliestmemories Josh had was at his tenth birthday party, when he turned to his father and said he wished his mother could have been there. His father’s eyes filled with tears and his voice with emotion when he said, “She’s right here with us, son.”
“My dad has never strayed from the memory of my mother, at least as far as any of us knows, and that’s so honorable. To me, that’s what love is. It’s acommitment for a person that goes beyond their being physically present, and maybe it’s even beyond being defined.”
“So you believe in true love?” Riley asked. “Real, heart-pounding, breath-stealing, forever and beyond love?” Her eyes lit up.
“I guess I do,” he said.
“And what about lust?” She wrapped her arms around her knees, pulled them in to her chest, and crossed her ankles, looking athim expectantly.
“Lust is definitely real.”And very much alive in me for you.
“But what role does it play in love?” She scooted closer to him.
“I think there’s lust in love. I mean, how boring would it be without a bit of tawdry lust?”
“And desire? Different from lust?” she asked.
“You are full of questions. I think so. Desire is a want, a craving, an urge, and it can be felt for anything.I can desire ice cream or I can desire you.” He touched her cheek. “While lust goes way beyond, and to me, lust encompasses only a sexual urge. I don’t lust for a run in the park, but I lust for your naked body beneath me.”Even now, in the park.
“And”—she lowered her voice to almost a whisper—“do you think what your parents had included those attributes, or were they just in love? I think there’sa difference. Like with my parents, I know they’re in love. I can see it in the way they look at each other across the room, but I’m not so sure about desire or lust. I think what they have is comfortable, and maybe that happens after so many years. I don’t know. But I’d like to think that desire and lust can be part of love forever.”
Josh thought of the look in his father’s eyes when he wasdown by the barn, taking care of his mother’s horse, Hope, and he had no doubt that what his parents had included all forms of love. “I think it can be, but I’m not naive. Life gets in the way of lust and desire sometimes, and I can see how after coming home to someone night after night it might be hard to leave the stress of the office behind, but that doesn’t mean that desire or lust is gone.” Helooked at the water and realized that he had never thought about these things until just now. “I think it takes effort to recognize that outside stress can take over if you let it. Couples need to make time to be intimate and maybe do things that are outside of the norm to spice things up every few years, but yeah, I think desire and lust can remain if you help them.”
Riley nodded and leanedher chin on her arms. “You might be right.”
“What’s worrying you?” he asked.
She shrugged.
“Really, Ri, I sincerely want to know. Remember, I’m that guy who likes to talk. I love sex as much as the next guy, but not in place of really knowing someone.”
“It’s just…I see how happy and committed Rex and Jade are, and believe me, neither of us saw that relationship coming.” She smiled. “I justhope I can have that someday.”
“Rex is a very passionate guy, always has been. He protects the things he loves fiercely. He stands up for what he believes in and fights what he doesn’t.” Josh had spent his life feeling less manly than Rex, the brother he saw as the epitome of masculine and heroic, and he wanted to be honest with Riley, even if it was embarrassing. If she wanted aRex, that wasn’thim.
“Ri, I’m not Rex, and I never will be. I don’t have that same outwardly apparent level of anger, or passion, or whatever it is that he has that makes him so…macho. I have the same level of love and passion, and I stand up in my own way, but I’m not someone who will get into a fistfight. I’m the guy who works things out with methodical, rational thought. I’m big and I’m strong, but I justdon’t handle myself in that way. I never have, and I probably never will.”
“That’s one of the things I admire most about you,” she said, cocking her head to the side. “I don’t want someone like Rex. I hope that someday I’ll be loved to the ends of the earth the way Jade is, in whatever form it comes. And I’m not asking you to love me, Josh. I’m just talking. You asked; I answered. I’m not underany weird illusions or trying to pressure our relationship into being anything more than it is.” She shrugged.
“I don’t know how any man could not love you to the ends of the earth.” The words were on the tip of his tongue.I love you.It was too soon. He’d scare her away if he said them aloud. It even scared him a little to think about saying them so soon. Instead, he took her hand in his andtook a deep breath in preparation for sharing part of what had been nagging at him all afternoon. He’d get to Claudia soon enough, but first he needed Riley to understand the type of man he really was.
“Ri, I’m not really like any of my brothers. I’ve been thinking a lot about Treat, and I’m probably more like Treat than Rex, but I know myself, and I could never give up my career the way he didfor Max, no matter how much I loved the person. I enjoy what I do too much, and I know that sounds self-centered. When you fall in love, you’re supposed to be willing to give up everything for the other person. I’m just being honest with you.”
Riley sat up straighter. “Why would you even think to say that? I’d never want you to give up your career, any more than I’d expect you to want me to giveup mine.”
He’d expected her response, which opened the door for him to continue. He knew what he was saying was true, and Riley deserved to know it, too.
“Look at Rex and Jade. They weren’t able to keep their relationship a secret for very long, and I just want to be sure you know what you’re getting into if you get involved with me,” he explained.
“IfI get involved with you?”
“You know whatI mean. Involved for the long term.” The conversation was becoming too heavy, and there was much more to say and much more he wanted to know about Riley. He took a deep breath and said, “I just want you to know where I stand. I’m not trying to scare you off, Riley. That’s the last thing I want. You deserve to know.”
Riley looked away, and tension filled the silence.
